Serious help needed!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Miss Pixy, Feb 10, 2015.

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  1. Miss Pixy

    Miss Pixy New Member

    Hello! My name is Sylvia, a homeless transgender individual seeking some huge help. First off, I want to say this is my first thread, and will very most likely be my last. I've came here to seek some sort of help, and then I'm on my way. Mainly because I don't have internet all that often. Also bear in mind, this is a LONG post. I've had this laptop on me for a while now, one of my only possessions. Most of this post is a copy/paste of a secret cry for help I've written in a notepad thingy that I've been saving up until I had to chance to share it. It has a lot of details, and gets a little TMI perhaps (I've written it for my irl friends to see, however I can't bring myself to open this all up to them), but the more you understand, perhaps the better advice I can get. I've added some minor details in parentheses to help avoid confusion as best as I could.

    Starting things off, I think you should know who (or what?) Jenna is. Since around the beginning of freshman year of high school, I have had a "secret imaginary friend", I often consider her my best. She takes many forms, usually of girls that I have a physical influence of (I don't want any misconceptions of me having some kind of creepy crush on these girls. Most of them I don't even really know, and although I think they're pretty, I look at girls with jealousy rather than lust. Not to say I can't see myself being with a lady; I consider myself more on the Pansexual side of things). She's evolved into this whole character, and she has been my online persona ever since my mind sprung her up. She even has her own voice; I bought a voice modding program that works very well, and I've yet to be even questioned. She's made me many "close" friends, and actually has become a little popular due to her continuous existence (Take that with a grain of salt; She's popular by my low ass standards).

    Also, I wanna say that I have never "catfished" anyone, nor ever plan to. I do feel really guilty about lying to my group of online friends, and I think it plays a contributing factor to my depression. I'll get into that later as well.

    Although Jen is my imaginary friend and doesn't truely exist, she is very real to me. I often talk to her, and she's somewhat of an adviser. A lot of the times that I'm silently staring off to the side, I'm conversing with her. You could say that she's a catalyst; I use her to never feel alone. Being alone is a great fear of mine. Coupled with being shy and socially awkward, it's probably one of my biggest. I know I have friends outside of Jenna and I'm not really alone in life thanks to the "Boop Troop" (A close group of friends I've had since high school, getting into why we're named that is a whole other story itself.), but when I'm physically alone and separated from everyone (which is most of the time now), Jenna is always there to save me, or at least try. I know it sounds really childish, and it probably is, haha.

    In the same way that I use Jenna to combat a fear of mine, Jenna uses me as well. This all will probably sound dumb in the supernatural way, but she's using me to become a real person, if that makes any sense. She's a very big reason as to why I'm transgender. I almost used her name as mine since I've sort of became her in a way over time, but I felt that it was a generic name that a lot of ladies have and I wanted to stand out and have a unique name. I also didn't want there to be any possible way to be associated with my online persona, because I feel very shameful and embarrassed about it. I guess in a way, Jenna is what you know now as Sylvia is very simple terms (Or rather Sylvia is becoming Jenna, or maybe Jenna is taking over me. I've always looked at it in various silly ways.). To make me sound a little less insane, you could just say that I'm jealous of Jenna and her success as a girl versus "Dustin" (my legal name), just like every other girl, and I'm trying to replicate this character in hopes that I live a more happier life; a life that suits me better and one to represent me as a person more accurately. I guess that's what it means to be transgender.

    Jenna has certainly not been all smiles and sunshine for me however. It's actually become very dangerous having her around. Jenna is a very bright, pretty young lass in image, but since I'm not very attractive, she's caused me to have a VERY low self esteem. To explain it in my goofy supernatural way again, she's not happy with my body. She doesn't want to be known as a transsexual girl, she identifies herself as a real girl, just like all the others. You could say she's a little vain, in a way. I wish I knew how to word some of these thoughts without sounding offensive to the transgender community, but I feel like I'll never amount to this image of Jenna that has been with me for a long time, and it eats me up. I know it's a little selfish/vain to say I want to be pretty and all model like, but I guess it's kind of true. I want to be desired; I wanna strut the strut that Jenna can, and I wanna be able to go places with confidence but I feel like I never will with the body I'm given, no matter what I do. I'm afraid I'll always be to obvious, always given weird looks or cast aside for all the "real girls" that will forever be considered sexier than I. Don't get me wrong, Jenna is no slut, nor will she (or me, whatever word I should use. For the purpose of not sounding totally fucking insane, I'll refer to myself as me and Jenna as herself/itself from now on) ever be. Quite simply: I'm vain and I hate how ugly I am, and how much self esteem I'm missing.

    Since I've started Hormone Replacement Therapy (I've been self medicating, sold my Wii for cash to buy the pills since I won't be able to ever play it again), I've become much more in-tune with my emotions. In turn, Jenna has shown through me on a much stronger level than just a wish. I almost feel awkward doing the things I do now, I have girly tendencies and views without even thinking about it. Naturally, this makes me really happy when I do notice them, but I feel like my some of my friends/all of my family that have known me for so long aren't ready to see these changes. I feel like I make a lot of situations to weird for them to handle, and they make some kind of remark or something that upsets me without even knowing it. For an example, all my friends that call me "Dustin" still. I never call them out on it, and I don't expect them to break that habit instantaneously, but I do feel a little disrespect when they don't even try. I even have several friends say that they straight up just won't call me by my soon-to-be name. "Dustin" is the very reason I hate myself so much, and to purposefully call me that hurts a lot more than I show it. I've often considered telling them that I'm gunna start calling them a feminine version(or masculine, but the only ones that still call me Dustin are dudes) of their name every time they call me that, but I've refrained since I don't wanna bring up a conversation neither of us would want. I'm the least likely person to confront any person ever and wouldn't know how to bring these kinds of things up anyways. I guess that one of the points I'm trying to imply here, is that I can't ever seem to get away from being Dustin, and I'm constantly reminded that I'm not who I wanna be, not even close. I almost wonder if it even is possible sometimes, and if it is, it's one steep ass snowy mountain with an ever ending avalanche coming down.

    To get back to that whole guilt trip about fooling everyone with Jenna, The main reason for her existence is to never feel alone. All those people that I have contact with all over the world may think Jenna is real, and she is. It may be totally wrong of me using their time (and in some odd situations, emotions) to satisfy my fear, but I hope that if they ever find out (To be honest, I hope they never do, I dunno how I'd ever be able to kill Jenna if I had to....), I hope they still look at me as good ol' Jen. Perhaps when I finally get all dolled up after climbing that steep hill, I'l finally be able to close that door....but until then, I need that extra coping resource. Jenna will always be with me, and we'll be climbing together (This sounds cliche as all hell, I know.) till either I give up on everything, or I walk into that hospital.

    I'm so sick of being Dustin. I'm at my breaking point, and I can't just take much more of it. I'm so far from what I've always wanted, and it's just a really bleak, depressing feeling. I wanna be that desired girl, I wanna have my hair stroked, be confident to hold someone's hand, go on a cheesy movie date, have a drink bought for me, someone to cuddle and watch Netflix with, just really basic things that I hear every other cute girl getting that I don't feel like I'll ever get. Call me vain, but I wanna be that cutey model that gets whistled at. My friends used to say I'm already a model, but it almost felt like mockery when I heard that. I know I'm not pretty, I'm ugly as fuck, an there is no need to sugar coat that. If I was a model, I'd not be 22 and never had a first kiss or been in any kind of relationship. I can't even remember a time since 5th grade where someone has expressed any interest to me, and I don't really blame anyone. Will I'll ever not be bum fuck Dustin?

    I feel like life doesn't have much of a purpose for me, I am nothing, and don't see things getting better. I've contributed next to nothing to the world, I feel to small of a part of the puzzle than I'd like to be. Life is pretty hellish in my eyes, and the day I become Sylvia will be the real first day of my life. I've just been doing nothing since I left the Air Force like two years ago. I can't get a job, I'm lucky to sleep in a bed, and I feel like there isn't any hope.

    I can't stand walking through the mall, and I can't stand sneaking into movies anymore. Quite simply, I can't stand going out as much anymore. This whole "jealousy over girls" thing is becoming a real problem lately. They make me feel so inferior. All these commercials and ads using the "sex sells" method hurts to watch. Like, "Yeah, this isn't what you are". All those pretty girls holding some hot dude's hand feels like a constant reminder.

    I feel like there are so many problems that add up, and I can't get around them. I'm just to depressed and unmotivated to do anything about it. No shelters that offer transitional housing will take me (I'm just a year over the age limit). Getting a job is hard without any phone or stable place to stay. I don't know what my next move should be, or how I can ever get over these terrible feelings. The only thing I got is Jen, but it doesn't help me get anywhere or ultimately feel any better. I need help, what should I do?
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Miss Pixy, Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Are there any friends or family you could speak with about finding shelter? Alternatively, there may be shelters who might be able to recommend other places at the very least. I know it's difficult at the moment with your emotions but I think finding housing is really important at the moment.

    Also, if you're feeling down, I would call a crisis line and they may also be able to help you with your feelings and more than likely with shelter as well. This thread by WildCherry may help on acquiring such help:

    I hope that things get better and take care of yourself. You're not a nobody, because everybody is a somebody to someone. You have so much of your life still ahead of you and while it may seem glum now, it can get better. Please take care. Husky
  3. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    Hello, and welcome to the forum! Are you still there? Hopefully you are. Thank you for joining this forum and share you story.

    Your story truly hit my heart, because I'm also a type of guy who really love to talk with something "imaginary". I don't have an imaginary friend, but I love doing imaginary stuff like imagining myself being a psychiatrist and help many people, fighting a monster (I'm 19 years old by the way), and so many other stuff. I know the feeling of that enjoyment whenever I can achieve something, let go of something, or simply made things up inside my head. Maybe I spent half of my life with my imagination.

    This is the only thing that I can help you: you are not nobody. Maybe sometimes it's hard to understand or to realize that you are precious. I know that your mind is struggling on something that made you think that you are useless, but that doesn't make you useless. We, every single one of us in this forum, care about you. Maybe believing that statement isn't something easy, but you have to realize that it's not you who are making those thoughts, it's your depression. Please find some shelter, because you really need that to make yourself feel safe. You can share every struggle that you have in this forum, maybe we can help.

    Please seek mental health if necessary, we love you, and we always will. Have a great day!
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