I have taken seven overdoses in the last year and half (I do also cut). Most of them serious enough to leave me unconscious in hospital for a few days. I do see mental health services and have done since I was 14 now 22. My therapist believes I am reinacting childhood sexual abuse. I know they not suicide attempts as I always expect to wake up or though people keep telling me this may not always be the case esp. when I continue to try and make them more and more life-threatening. But even though with the risk of death being a very possible outcome if I continue I can't seem to stop or stop wanting to make them more and more life-threatening. I research the drugs picking things that are much less likely to cause organ damage. I very close to taking another massive OD (even worse than the time before), I keep telling myself I'll probably be in a coma and stop breathing but they can save me and put me on a ventilator in ICU and I'll come out of the coma after a few days (judging on last time and how long my GCS was 8). I keep wanting to make worse than last time, I feel so out of control. My self-harm is my responsibility my mental health team can only guide me (they tried sectioning me over and over years ago made things worse) but I just don't feel able to stop myself even though I'm physically very anxious about what I'm about to do. I can't seem to clearly see the risk, I dismiss it and tell myself I'll wake up fine.