Serious thoughts for the first time.

I'm new to this thread. I've suffered from anxiety on and off for about 5 years and depression within the past 4 months or so. I'd say right now is the worst I've felt in my whole struggle. The past 48 hours or so I've been seriously contemplating ending it. I guess I don't need advice or anything just wondering how you handle these thoughts. I have so much stuff coming up I am so nervous about and just want it to end before it even begins.

 

Hello boundlessfreedom, and welcome to the forums. I'm glad you decided to join us.

If you're not on any medications, there are some good ones out there to help with anxiety and depression.

As far as how to handle these thoughts, I just try to sleep through them if I'm tired enough. Oftentimes I'll feel better when I wake up later. Also, coming on here and reading posts, helping others (at least attempting to), and posting about what's bothering me helps too. Sometimes I think just take it one day at a time, and that helps get me through.

If you want to talk about it, what's coming up that has you so worried?

 

Hi boundlessfreedom,

What a wonderful name!! :biggrin:

You know you have so much to live for. You have worked so hard for college. You can still travel around the world some time later if you still wish… What is your true passion? You know you can get a chance to do what you truly love. Please hang in there to let the opportunities appear in time… Have you gone out to the nature lately? As you said, going outside can be helpful… You know you care about people. What about your loved ones??

Maybe you can tell yourself: All anyone can do is to do his/her best. Whatever comes, I’ll just do what I can and not worry about the rest… Whatever the results, they cannot be worse than “ending it“…

Everyone has some kind of fear about not being able to get things done the way they need to be sometimes. No matter how confident some people may appear to be. It’s completely human when things do not get done the way they have been expected to be. We just need to acknowledge our humanness and not let the thoughts fool or overwhelm us. It's usually the ego (the mind projected fictitious self) that is causing us to suffer. We can free ourselves from the ego…

The book below talks more about ego and how to handle the mind, which is available for free download:

http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/...khartTolle.pdf

The author of the book “The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle, was finishing his PHD study when he found himself having the thought “I cannot live with myself any longer”. (see page 8 for the story) Here is part of the story:

Maybe you can also decline some of the “stuff” that is coming up? Please be gentle and kind to yourself…

Wish you well! :hug:

 

Problems come and go in life, while some stick around because of the trauma they have caused, but it's always best to try and stay away from such thought as much as possible by engaging in an activity that you enjoy, even if it only makes you forget about your problems for a few hours.
Remember, death is forever, but problems are only temporary. And once you kill yourself, you will miss out on all of the chances, the opportunities you could have had in life to really lead a full and exciting life.

 

Thank you all for your responses. I'm very happy I found this forum. I've just been having a difficult time that has heightened over the past 6 months or so.

To answer some of your questions:
I am not on any medication, I had previously been on citalopram which helped me for maybe a year or so (I don't know if it helped or just distracted my mind, but I noticed a difference), until August when I was completely off it. It really messed with the way my mind works I think and I know medication would maybe temporarily help but I really did not like the feelings I had when on them. I just didn't like the way it made me feel after that one positive year, physically and mentally.
For things coming up, I guess it isn't as big a deal as I made it. There is a family reunion 1000 miles away in 2 weeks that I committed to going to. Being around that many people and having to fly and be away from home for so long freaks me out. But I am afraid to stay home while everyone close to me goes away, lately I've just felt I'm not as comfortable being alone because I don't trust myself to not harm myself even though I never have before and hadn't thought of it until recently. I just don't think I can do it.

And LoveBeing, I know passion is really important. I graduated college last year and have been unemployed since, I think that's nearly killed all confidence I had and set me into a slump. I had been doing so well, living on my own, outgoing, confident, happy, even travelled out of the country the past two years and this year I am like another person. I guess it is kind of an identity crisis with some other stuff I've realized about myself leaving me more confused and causing more anxiety.
I do get out in nature, luckily where I live now there's a pool and I can sit out and think. But the anxiety has kind of had me somewhat scared to leave the house which is such a strange thing for me. Like I said I was such a different person the past couple years now I just can't even stand myself.
I do have people that care about me, my family but I feel like I'm a burden to them and a disappointment. And my friends have kind of pushed away ever since I've been down which has affected me negatively.

BUT, sorry about the rant this has turned into. Thank you so much for your kind words. And thank you especially Leif, "Death is forever, but problems are only temporary" is something that moved me so much while reading your responses. I think I can make it through, I just don't even know where to start.

 

You're welcome, I speak only but the truth and I think I speak for everyone else here that when I ay you can rant as much as like, we all have our demons to face, and here, we help fight those demons together, so no one ever needs be alone when they face them.

 

Hi again, boundlessfreedom,

It’s good to hear you say that you can make it through. We know you can! :biggrin:

Maybe start from sitting out at the pool…?

You know the economy has been such and many people even lost their jobs. Please do not put yourself down for not having been able to secure a job. Some things are beyond our control…

Re identity crisis, maybe it’s calling you to find out what is your true identity or who you truly are? Who we truly are is not the content of our mind… Maybe you are already aware that your thoughts about yourself can change. You can probably also see that the awareness is more real than the thoughts… Can you see that the awareness is actually who you truly are? If not, be open to it…because it’s where our true limitless freedom is…

Here is a related video clip:

Mentally Made Sense of Self Dissolves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX095n_1nf0

You know that you are not a burden to your family. It’s nice if your family can help you when you need it. I believe your family can understand the situation. Please hang in there…the opportunities will appear…so long as you keep at it…do what you can now…be open to all possibilities…maybe even any kind of job to get you out of the house to start with? Are you using a job agency? Some companies may prefer graduates without experiences for some reason, but they usually hire through job agencies…

Anyway, you know our occupation cannot define our identity or who we are, either. Allow yourself to be okay with the present moment no matter what happens…

With loving wishes…

 

Welcome ashore my friend,i truly hope you can find someone to help you before its too late!!

God bless,peace and love to you