Thank you all for your responses. I'm very happy I found this forum. I've just been having a difficult time that has heightened over the past 6 months or so.
To answer some of your questions:
I am not on any medication, I had previously been on citalopram which helped me for maybe a year or so (I don't know if it helped or just distracted my mind, but I noticed a difference), until August when I was completely off it. It really messed with the way my mind works I think and I know medication would maybe temporarily help but I really did not like the feelings I had when on them. I just didn't like the way it made me feel after that one positive year, physically and mentally.
For things coming up, I guess it isn't as big a deal as I made it. There is a family reunion 1000 miles away in 2 weeks that I committed to going to. Being around that many people and having to fly and be away from home for so long freaks me out. But I am afraid to stay home while everyone close to me goes away, lately I've just felt I'm not as comfortable being alone because I don't trust myself to not harm myself even though I never have before and hadn't thought of it until recently. I just don't think I can do it.
And LoveBeing, I know passion is really important. I graduated college last year and have been unemployed since, I think that's nearly killed all confidence I had and set me into a slump. I had been doing so well, living on my own, outgoing, confident, happy, even travelled out of the country the past two years and this year I am like another person. I guess it is kind of an identity crisis with some other stuff I've realized about myself leaving me more confused and causing more anxiety.
I do get out in nature, luckily where I live now there's a pool and I can sit out and think. But the anxiety has kind of had me somewhat scared to leave the house which is such a strange thing for me. Like I said I was such a different person the past couple years now I just can't even stand myself.
I do have people that care about me, my family but I feel like I'm a burden to them and a disappointment. And my friends have kind of pushed away ever since I've been down which has affected me negatively.
BUT, sorry about the rant this has turned into. Thank you so much for your kind words. And thank you especially Leif, "Death is forever, but problems are only temporary" is something that moved me so much while reading your responses. I think I can make it through, I just don't even know where to start.