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Seriously considering suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by suicidalfish, Aug 8, 2015.

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  1. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Since nobody will continue to respond to me from this thread http://www.suicideforum.com/threads/140777-I-want-to-kill-myself I decided to open up a new one. That thread explains my current situation. Now, I am going to get out of sober living by the end of this month. However, I am going to be drug tested randomly by places that my dad knows about and he will have a key and will visit any time. I am working on the 12 steps of AA I am on my 9th step (which is by far the worst one by far) I keep being told that if I work thoroughly and honestly with my steps then I will be happy sober. However, I don't know if I can wait that long. I am considering suicide because if I get caught using again by my father he will cut me off completely. I have no money, no job, and 2 years left of completing a college degree.

    My four options is this

    1. Be sober. Stay sober. Try and be happy while working the 12 steps and if it works awesome. If not, stay sober anyway.

    2. Be sober until I finish the 12 steps and if it doesn't work then go use, end up homeless and stay on friends couches and try and find a job doing who knows what. Prob working at a fast food place or something until I make enough money to get my own place somewhere cheap outside of california. Like somewhere super cheap where I can get an apt for 600 a month.

    3. Leave my sober living immediately, end up homeless and stay on friends couches and try and find a job doing who knows what. Prob working at a fast food place or something until I make enough money to get my own place somewhere cheap outside of california. Like somewhere super cheap where I can get an apt for 600 a month.

    4. Leave, get high and drunk until I am completely out of money, use my credit card and get a really bad credit score using money I don't have to keep getting drunk and high and then kill myself<mod edit - methods>.

    Help me please!!!!! I'm so miserable all the time. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm super depressed. I just found out that I was born with 50% less dopamine, seretonin and noreperepherin (or however you spell it) and all the reward system chemical than the average person and am extremely prone to depression and bi polar disorder. I am taking medication to try and treat this but just started today.

    Help me I don't think I can go on much longer =(.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2015
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You may or may not hav ebeen born with less of the "reward chemicals" in your brain- the fact is drugs and alcohol suppress them - that i show physical addiction comes about- because "nothing else can make happy" due to the drugs having made it impossible.

    Anti depressants and most psyche drugs work on that exact premise - so if you have started taking thme no wit should help withing a few weeks. So far as the issues with sobriety- you have to not only stop taking drugs/alcohol- you need to find something to do with that time that has meaning to you. Stop taking drugs/ alcohol but simply staring at walls on those hours used to be fucked up i snot going to be rewarding. After reading your previous thread through plus this post , if you are actually managing to stay sober drug/alcohol free I am surprised because you have not committed to it mentally in any way at all and i have never seen anybody manage even as long as you have without being fully committed to it-in which case you have self discipline and being sober wil be very easy for you if you simply try to find some things to keep you busy and provide recreation and entertainment so being sober does not mean ceasing to have a life or quality of life which is how you have been treating it. So start living and enjoying- just do it without the drugs and alcohol. I would offer examples bu ti have no clue what type of things interest you. If you hav eno other interest then find some- go white water rafting , hiking, mountain climbing, play music , sing , dance, build things, do artwork, photography, join clubs- more options than could list in a day just choose something to try and if do nto like it choose different tomorrow.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I hear you buddy. I'm working the steps also and it is a painful process, I'm having to go through my whole life and look at what a sad, pathetic person I am. My life isn't any easier being sober but I'm in less pain, and I know that if I keep with the program I might have a chance to recover. Had a really rough patch the past few weeks but I'm trying again, having a bit of hope that it could get better.

    I don't think you have really understood the 12 steps, they are not something you can rush through and call it done. In fact you are never done with them (steps 10-12). They are hard and painful to go through if you do it with complete and brutal honesty but they do work. Every time I've managed to come a little out of my shell I feel a bit better afterwards and something has definitely happened inside.

    The worst enemy for an alcoholic is self deception. I'm not talking about not admitting you have a problem, that's easy. Have you truthfully admitted to yourself you're an alcoholic? I mean have you accepted that you simply can't drink as it will only cause you more pain and harm? Did you do the 4th step correctly? It is easy to understand wrong, it is not about anything you have done but WHY you did them. You need to learn the real motive behind your actions so you can learn to know yourself.

    An example from my own life: I cheated on my girlfriend (drunk of course). At the time I was very good at finding blame everywhere why I did it. Sure there was a lot of things that was true (her behaviour) but in reality I was driven by my underlying sex addiction to get some thrills and used the circumstances to sanction my behaviour. In reality I did wrong no matter what she had done, I was wrong. I couldn't simply handle the situation and so I did what I have always done: seek self gratification so I don't have to face uncomfortable things.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Yes , I am aware of the 12 steps and the not being able to rush through- that is why I said does not seem like you are committed to it because you were speaking of it like it is a process with a start date and end date "when i finish 12 steps".

    My experience with it comes from my sister in law that we helped and supported for 2 1/12 years trying get sober, and the self deception as well as just plain lying caused by the desire to please people around her while still drinking was something that was impossible to to believe until seen first hand. Two 30 day rehabs at a quality clinic, a 4 month rehab at a first rate private facility, AA for 4 years , lost her job, husband kids,... los everything and was miserable all the time and yet could never get herself to believe that would be easier/less painful to stop drinking. I do not believe she was sure when was lying and telling truth many times. Fact is she had full support of her sister (my wife) and other family members, an very good sponsor at AA , all the right boxes checked for how to get sober and be successful with sobriety except for one. She never actually wanted to stop drinking.

    She died a week before Christmas 2 years ago, got drunk and passed out on porch at 10f , looked like had dropped keys possibly unlocking her door and froze to death despite all the help and supports because all the help and support in the world means nothing if the person is not convinced they want to be sober themselves. That is what I meant about being fully committed, it is not a matter of doing the steps - it is a matter of wanting to be sober that actually counts.
  5. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    I have been taking anti depressants for 2 months now and they don't work. I have even tried taking them for 8 months and they didn't work. I have gotten a saliva test done and it showed that since I have 50% less of the reward chemicals in the brain then the anti depressants are not going to work and it is a fact that they are not working and is not a misconception on my part. I am now taking cerafolin which is suppose to make the anti depressants work and boost up the reward system. However, I have been taking them for 5 days now and notice no difference and my psychiatrist said I should notice it within 3 days. I am seeing her on day 12 though.

    I don't know what interests me. Music. Sex. That's it really. Nothing more. Oh and drugs. Yeah. Idk what else to do with my time. Sucks really. I wanna learn how to dj but fuck the equipment is so expensive.

    I have done the 4th step thoroughly and brutally honest. It showed that I have a fear of being alone and other insightful information. However, this info although informative is not enough to keep me sober. I am struggling with the 9th step though. I have to make amends from taking a shit onto school late at night when I was in like fucking middle school and was drunk. I am just not sure if I can do it. Fucking scary and embarrassing to talk to a school administrator about that. Also the other amends I do just sucks. I fuckin hate it and its not fun at all.

    Yes I know I am an alcoholic and a drug addict but I don't think i'll die from it I mean who gives a shit I'm going to an elite university and making good grades.

    Yeah I know the steps are not a finish process and they are lifetime but apparently when halfway through the amends you experience a new freedom and happiness and I am halfway through and nothing. Although I guess it never does exactly say when.

    You say that the program won't work if you don't want to stop drinking?! It says in the book that working the 12 steps will make you not want to drink or do drugs. So what you say makes no sense. However, maybe what it says in the book is false and you are right. IDK?!

    Help me please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Day 72 and still suicidal. Not sure how much longer I can go. Need help!!! Please!!
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Talk to your counselors about being suidical. That is a step you can take when talking to professionals
  7. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Hell no, they'll put me in a psyche ward which will only make me more suicidal.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Believe it or not. Not many of suicidal idealizations discussions with doctors end in the hospital
  9. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    I thought you were referring to the counselors at my sober living. So you mean like tell my psychiatrist? I won't end up in a psyche ward?
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Any professionals.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    They wont chuck you in one unless you specify you intend to end your life within 24 hours. They are there to listen to your feelings and help you
  12. ShatteredDreams

    ShatteredDreams New Member

    I understand. Feeling like everything is hopeless sucks right. I am so tired of feeling like crap and being alone. I'm so tired of crying and wanting to die. I just don't understand why being happy is so easy for other people.
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