...And I'm very sorry to keep making these kinds of posts. Thank you to those who have responded kindly in reassuring me that everything will be OK and to continue to fighting the good fight. For those of you who are in a crisis I wish the best for you as well. What I mean though of course is to just be posting whenever I'm seriously stressed out, feeling suicidal or having a nervous breakdown. I'm like this offline to where unless I'm completely unhinged I tend to keep silent, when I do become unhinged though I let it all out to whoever is willing to listen then immediately apologize afterwards. Now I'm about to do it again. As the title says I'm seriously stressed out here, not full-on suicidal yet but the ruminations are definitely there, so much so that I almost started crying (that would be a first in ten years). I've been 'served' a notice to move in sixty-days on December 31st. This has caught me entirely off-guard and at the worst possible time where my finances while poor are definitely recovering. The owners of my apartment complex simply aren't going to be participating in Section Eight starting in 2014. I'm trying though failing to be positive about the move, the change is good, shake things up a bit you know? It's hard to as I said the timing is definitely bad, there's a lot of competition for rental units right now and not many people are moving with the onset of Winter. So there's a lack of units to begin with made worse by the lack of apartments that accept Section Eight. I did tour a complex and I'm faced with another hurdle a minimum rent income which is double that of monthly rent. Where did this come from? When I first became a renter it was usually a background check a credit check or someone to co-sign if you had bad or no credit and the only income check was a stable means of income. In my case I'm on disability at the lowest possible level but it's still income and with Section Eight I most definitely have the money to pay my rent. And I do and I always pay my rent on-time. I just hate this stigma that goes with mentally disabled people. I feel awful for taking the hard-working people's money. I made an attempt at vocational rehabilitation and while I found that I COULD do the work I just wasn't ready, mentally or physically for that matter (my physical shape has deteriorated due to many years of idleness). Among many things I'm pretty much a recluse being I become extremely anxious around people. This is made worse by how unfriendly it is to transition from living on government assistance to being gainfully employed. Even though I didn't make THAT much in the work evaluation both Social Security and Department of Economic Assistance thought I was working and it took three months and a lot of headaches and paperwork to let them know that NO I wasn't working it was just a work evaluation. This to me makes me more angry than anything, how do you expect people to get OFF the system when one it's very difficult (it's 7-15 years to get a Section Eight Voucher now) to get on the system in the first place and getting off is tantamount to a 'sink or swim' philosophy. I've also been in urgent need to see a new therapist because for a long time my current one wasn't helping so I wasn't getting treatment in working on my issues that blocks me from rejoining the workforce. Now I finally have an evaluation appointment after FIVE MONTHS! And I do need help. For a long time I convinced myself that hell-no I don't have any mental illness but after what happened with my work evaluation I was forced to face the truth that yes, yes I do have mental illness and yes it does need to be treated. Not necessarily medication wise as medication has largely been ineffective with me, I mean in progressing with a therapist in intense weekly sessions. Now I'm faced with the possibility of becoming homeless, I don't even have a car to live out of and it gets pretty cold here in Minnesota during the winter time. Also I have a cat and I worry what might happen to him, he's kind of like me in a way and my stress is definitely taking it's toll on him. If we were to be separated I don't think he would live very long in another home. At the lowest of course there's my concern over what's going to happen to my stuff these are my things that make my home, do I just have a free-for-all sale? Sure, I have family in the area but I don't think they're willing or have the capacity to provide me with shelter however temporary. With my sister it's pulling teeth to get her to contact me and she doesn't like mess in life and I think having her mentally disabled brother living in her home is PRETTY messy, she has her house JUST the way she likes it. No room for me there. And my Dad who would PROBABLY take me in but as it is he's already living in the basement with his wife while his wife's mother lives upstairs, there isn't a room to spare. I'm still looking of course for a new home, I'm going to call and see if by not having the minimum income requirements means an automatic denial with the application. I have a couple of other places to call but if neither have a place then I don't know what I'm going to do. You see this with animals sometimes where it just seems like they were born under a bad sign and are put down quickly, I wonder if I'm in that same boat and rather than freeze to death I might consider another way to end my life. I really don't want to though, I feel as though I might have some purpose or something to give back to society. Plus all the ways to die seem either painful or bloody and I'd want one that's quick and painless. Of course I wonder what will happen afterwards and there's the regret of the things I never did in life. Then there would be those who I leave behind and I wonder how they'd cope with my choice to suicide. What does concern me is how this stress is affecting me, I find it difficult to sleep and when I do it isn't for very long and I'm not really eating. There's also my extremely violent outbursts and that scares me the most, it's like I snap at the slightest irritation and fly into a rage at whatever inanimate object is nearest. Under normal circumstances I'm not a violent person and I don't like being violent or angry and I feel incredibly down on myself that I'm not more calm. So there's the stress of not knowing what I'm going to do and being incredibly uncertain how everything is going to turn out and then not knowing what to do with myself. I guess that's all, thank you for your reading.