OTT means over the top by the way. Anyway, last night, I rampaged through the bin trying to find a razor since I found one yesterday morning, but reluctantly, gave it to my mum, I don't know where she put it, either in the bin, or hid it, so I assumed in the bin, threw the bin on the floor, rampaged through the rubbish, and to my surprise, I found nothing. Quite disappointing. But now, I know that a razor is in this house, knowing that makes me suspicious, paranoid(weird, I know), anxious and curious as to where it is. I used to always rampage my sisters/mums room for a razor, half the time I found one, but I know for a fact that they have a razor this time, and knowing that makes me go insane, I dunno what to do because I am going insane with it now, I am literley loosing it, I haven't used a blade in a few months now, just glass and knives, but they don't do the damage I want it too, so I am trying so hard to find the blade, but I can't, and probably won't since I have to return to school on sunday evening, so I have 2 1/2 days to find it, and I haven't a clue what my mind will do next, knowing me, it'll probably loose its marbles again and trash my mums/sisters room until I find the bloody thing. I don't know what to do, I want to stop this, I want to be able to have a razor in the house without wanting to find it and cut myself with it, but I can't, I just want to stop this and I don't know how, I have tried stopping, failed more than enough times, I have tried techniques, I always go back to the usual technique - cutting, but just, now, my selfharm has esclated into overdosing, and that ain't a pretty thing for my body at the moment, considering I have probably fucked my body up a bit from the previous overdoses, but I know if I come across tablets, I will gulp them down, and that will be the only resort I can go to because I can't cut. I dunno why I am posting this, but what does everyone think of this? Because quite frankley, I think I have lost it.