How does the transmission start acting funny now? I can't afford to fix it. I can't work if I can't drive. It just always seems to come back to money. And collapse. And failures. It's like I can't climb past this certain point. Like I will never not be fighting to keep my head above water. Like I'm worthless. Sometimes I think about the person I would be if I hadn't wracked up thousands of dollars in debt in a shitty relationship. If I had gone after a degree in which I could make money instead of a degree in which I "help". If I had decided to marry a boyfriend... instead of falling in love with a woman for ten years. If I had parents who touched me.. told me I was loved or worthy.. maybe someone else would have seen that in me, too, or maybe I would have learned to believe it myself. If ....there are so many if only's. I know you can't go back. I know I can't change the choices I've already made. But I'm also ultra-aware of how those choices have blocked me forever from other opportunities. And that makes me feel so completely hopeless. I have this bucket list, that I started in 1992. So many things that I can't do unless I have financial security... which I've never had. So many opportunities gone by because I didn't have the money to take part in them. It feels I have so many dreams. So many goals. But without financial opportunity, they will forever remain out of reach. And I'm really tired. Really tired of waiting for the next disaster. The next financial pit. The next downward spiral. The constant suicidal thoughts ard bad enough without the world consistently slapping me in the face. I know I'm ugly. I know I'm fat. I know I'm hopeless. I know I fear love and cringe when touched. I know these things... but I've always believed the fact that I have a brain would save me. Would be my buoy in this world. The past few months have proven that theory wrong. I can't keep fighting when I don't have the tools to fight.