Serves me right....

[Tarthenol]

Hi Folks,
Well I went to the hospital and got myself checked out.

I am fucked in a nutshell. My kidneys are failing at an exponential rate.

Both of them. I am terrified, I am so scared and lonely. To all those who are contemplating suicide, let this be an object lesson. I am in pain and cant even take a painkiller. I am terrified of judgement, they were not nice in the hospital said that I have little hope of transplant.

I am sitting here tears streaming down my face. I no longer wish to die but it has become a stark reality for me......I dont know if they can do anything now and I wish they could, the look they gave me when I confessed was beneath contempt, they looked at me like I was less than nothing. And now I am.

Oh dear Jesus I am so sorry, I want to live now so much.....I want my babe to hold me but she will look at me the same way they did if I tell her....

To all you people who desire death as I did, think low and hard on what you really want. This could be it now, they dot really now what they can do....and now, when it looks like I might get my 'wish' I want to live sooo much.

I AM TERRIFIED. I DO NOT WANT THIS ANYMORE. I CHOOSE LIFE NOW. I CHOOSE TO BE FREE FROM PAIN.

But I dont think I can choose now.

Pray for me, my name is Ian and I am scared and lonely and terrified of the beyond. God forgive me for what I have done. May my Nina forgive me too. I never wanted to hurt her or anyone else.

The pain is severe and sharp. I cant even drink alcohol. They tried to keep me in, but as soon as they left me alone I left. I imagine they are looking or me now, but I want to stay here close to my babe if its true....

Oh God. I am sorry, so sorry. So, so, so sorry.

Please forgive me I didnt really want this, not really.

No. No. No. No.

 

[BlackPegasus]

Certainly I'll send some prayers for you and keep you in my thoughts as well. :arms:

Mia

 

[Jenny]

Oh Ian.. i read your other thread and have been thinking of you since. I'm so sorry to hear the news.. is there anything that the hospital can do to help you? Did they discharge you already? I wish there was something we could do to help..

.. I wish you all the very best and you will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Please know we're here for you.. and if you wanna talk you can always PM me

Please take care of yourself.. and please tell your partner of what you're going through so you dont have to be totally alone

:hug:
Jenny x

 

[Saoirse]

Ian, there is always hope, don't give up. You're in the ROI? Get on the train, try Belfast, try Derry. Try anywhere. Just don't give up, there is still hope.

 

[Casey.]

Oh, Sweetie. I wish I could tell you that things are going to be okay, and give you ehugs, or something. But I can't. You sound far too wise for that type of reply. I don't know what to say. You are a rare type of member that I havent seen around in a long time. Take care.
Ashton

 

[Tarthenol]

I just want this thread to stand as example of when you feel suicidal, you are not really, you just want release from the pain.

I am supposed to be in the hospital now but I left. What is the point? They said they have to monitor me and all that crap, but I am so scared. So scared. And lonely. I talked my Nina but she is distant and seems uncaring so didnt bother telling her. I just told her I am sorry for hurting her and hope that she will be OK now. She gave me a puzzled look and asked was I suicidal or something. I laughed and said that I am a lot of things but suicidal is not one of them. She doesnt care anymore it seems so why tell her?

I am looking over the net and from what I read it doesnt look good.

TO ALL THOSE WHO WANT AN END. THINK WHAT YOU WANT AN END TO. IS IT LIFE OR IS IT PAIN?

THINK ON IT AND THEN DECIDE. I BET IT IS PAIN AND NOT LIFE. THINK ON IT AND THEN REALLY THINK SOME MORE.

Thanks to all those who have been kind to me. I dont know what to do anymore, I want to go back to the hospital but they were not at all nice to me and I want to just sit in the bed me and Nina used to share together until the time comes. I keep expecting a knock at the door. Someone to fetch me back to the hospital or something. Maybe the police or an ambulance.

I have an old book we both read and I am going to read it now. Its by David Gemmell and it is called 'Legend'. It is a book about hope against impossible odds and I think its fitting.

God, if you are there, forgive me. I am the architect of my own agony.

I am sorry to put this on you good people. I really am, but I feel now that my own friends and family are sick of the dramas and the heartache so I feel I have no one else to turn to.

With love and fear.

Ian

 

[Tarthenol]

Oh, Sweetie. I wish I could tell you that things are going to be okay, and give you ehugs, or something. But I can't. You sound far too wise for that type of reply. I don't know what to say. You are a rare type of member that I havent seen around in a long time. Take care.
Ashton

Sorry Ashton, but wise is one thing I am not. I am stupid and foolish and selfish. I pray for you all and hope we all find happiness one way or another.

How much tears can a human cry? I cannot stop now. I even considered makig a pact with Satan until I realised I dont believe in him. I do believe in God and am ashamed I would consider such a thing. I want to be OK and I want to be better but it doesnt look possible anymore.

Going to cry for a long time......

Bye,

Ian

 

[Saoirse]

The ROI hospital might not get a transplant, you have a better chance with the N.I hospital in Belfast. They would have donors from Wales, Scotland, N.Ireland and England. There is no point in giving up yet.

You want to live? The go and get the help. You won't live reading the book, goto the hospital, be it in South or North of the border. Don't give up yet.

 

[Jenny]

I'm with IrishPaddy.. please don't give up hope yet.. can you not try Belfast? I don't know how things work between Ireland and Northern Ireland, but we can worry about that once you've gotten the help you need.

Please consider it.. you don't deserve to be in this pain
:hug:

 

[gentlelady]

Ian please don't give up. You say you want to live, but you talk about reading and doing things that appear you have given up. Get up and fight until the very last minute. Exhaust all your options. You may have to do the work, but if life is that important to you, do it. Irish and Jenny are right. I am thinking of you and adding your name to my prayer list. Take care hun. Don't give up. :hug:

 

[Tarthenol]

Ian please don't give up. Yopu say you want to live, butyou yalk about reading and doing things that appear you have given up. Get up and fight until the very last minute. Exhaust all your options. You may have to do the work, but if life is that important to you, do it. Irish and Jennu are right. I am thinking of you and adding your name to my prayer list. Take care hun. Don't give up. :hug:

I'm going back to the hospital in a little while. I told my parents and they are coming to get me. I'm 31 but feel like I am 10 yo again.

They are seriously upset - another blot on my copybook. But your right. I do want to live, just scared of the consequences. I intend to fight and by God I have been shown the 'light' as they say. Thanks for the concern, its very touching and has made me get up out of bed and stop snivelling. I also rang my best mate and told him. He was pissed off that I only told him now, but only for a second.

His words (and I paraphrase) ''No matter what, your my best mate. I am with you no matter what''

How could I die with friendship like that? I am starting to believe all the things that people said to me over the years about me. Maybe I am better than I thought?

My Dad has actually offered a Kidney and that was the hardest thing I ever had to hear. At his age he doesnt need this shit, he's retired and should be living life to the fullest.

People are kind and the world can be a good place at times.
You just have to stop searching for the bad and the good is right in front of you. I wont be on for a couple of days so dont stress if you havent heard from me. I will try to see if I can access the net from the hospital. I am going to do my best to survive this.

Thanks for all the support. Know that you are all on my prayer list too. If I could make the world happy with my death I would do it, but I cant so I'll try to make my immediate world a little happier and not to bring suffering and tragedy on the inocent.

May the Lord take and you keep you, may he lift you up and show you light of his divine love, may all the heavens cease and listen to you cries of pain and the light that is his holy presence comfort you and guide you all. In a very sort space of time I have received such an abundance of comfort from complete strangers that I have to wonder why some see little but the badness in the world. There is hope and there is good. As I said, seek not the evil and the good is apparent. Everyday countless children die unheeded uncared for and unloved. Well, I love them all, every person who suffered, who has heartache and tragedy and pain, I wish I could do something for them. But to accept that I couldnt is hard but necessary. If this thread touches but one soul, then it was worth the pain I am in.

I havent told my Nina and dont intend to. whilst I want her love I dont want her sympathy and thats all she could offer me.

Some roads a man must walk alone, but I feel the presence of that which is undreamt of your philosophy now. My it always be so.

No matter how bad any of you feel, you do not want to be as I am at the moment. Trust me on this. You want a salve for your hurt not vinegar for your wounds......

As said it will be a while before I am back on. I can be got through sending me a mail as I can pick up mails through my phone but I cant access the board on it. Dont worry, I intend to fight.

Go with my thanks and my blessing and my love.

From a changed man....

Ian

 

[Jenny]

It's a shame that it took such extreme events to show that people do care about you and that the world is not such a terrible place at times.. but i'm glad that you have seen this now. I'm so glad that you have reached out to those who care and i hope they are able to support you through this.

Please know that you're in our/my thoughts through this and i for one am looking forward to you coming back and posting again.

Sending you hugs and strength
Jenny x

 

[gentlelady]

Ian i am so glad that you are taking the steps you need to get better. It seems that you have many people in your life that love and care for you. Please keep us informed on how things are going for you. You are an inspiration to others hun. Get well soon. :hug:

 

[Tarthenol]

Hi all,

cant stay on too long, have loads of people to reply to via mail, so thanks before I get back to each one individually.

Right, some good news, they have managed to arrest the failure in one kidney although the other is looking like it will have to be removed. Its funny how much things look from this side of it, things look so much different.

I'd love to sit and chat a while with some of you and possibly pass on the epiphany I have received. life is so precious no matter what you may think of it. I have been thinking on people like those in Auschwitz and Belson who hung on in the face of horror we will NEVER know....Why? It is the human spirit, that essential force. It is quashed in some of us and we cannot see the light that is our there for us, for some, the pain is inflicted and cannot be helped but for some others we can choose to embrace the pain or we can turn our back on it. I will always suffer depression, I will always miss my babe, but you know what? these things are not everything, there is more to life. Only when you believe you have lost everything are you free to do anything. I can be happy if I choose, I can be depressed if I want to, even if at times its hard to not slip into the funk.

Well going to sign off soon so thanks again to all those who contacted me, will get back with you all soon, it meant so much.....