Hi Folks, Well I went to the hospital and got myself checked out. I am fucked in a nutshell. My kidneys are failing at an exponential rate. Both of them. I am terrified, I am so scared and lonely. To all those who are contemplating suicide, let this be an object lesson. I am in pain and cant even take a painkiller. I am terrified of judgement, they were not nice in the hospital said that I have little hope of transplant. I am sitting here tears streaming down my face. I no longer wish to die but it has become a stark reality for me......I dont know if they can do anything now and I wish they could, the look they gave me when I confessed was beneath contempt, they looked at me like I was less than nothing. And now I am. Oh dear Jesus I am so sorry, I want to live now so much.....I want my babe to hold me but she will look at me the same way they did if I tell her.... To all you people who desire death as I did, think low and hard on what you really want. This could be it now, they dot really now what they can do....and now, when it looks like I might get my 'wish' I want to live sooo much. I AM TERRIFIED. I DO NOT WANT THIS ANYMORE. I CHOOSE LIFE NOW. I CHOOSE TO BE FREE FROM PAIN. But I dont think I can choose now. Pray for me, my name is Ian and I am scared and lonely and terrified of the beyond. God forgive me for what I have done. May my Nina forgive me too. I never wanted to hurt her or anyone else. The pain is severe and sharp. I cant even drink alcohol. They tried to keep me in, but as soon as they left me alone I left. I imagine they are looking or me now, but I want to stay here close to my babe if its true.... Oh God. I am sorry, so sorry. So, so, so sorry. Please forgive me I didnt really want this, not really. No. No. No. No.