Severe crisis...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DeVon72176, Jun 21, 2010.

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  1. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I posted in crisis because I’m making plans to end it all, but I don’t know when or how. I do know that my year and, subsequently, most of my life has sucked. The only good things that came from me are my kids.

    Things are looking real bad and I may be able to turn a few things around, but I will always have the feeling of wanting to die. It’s embarrassing for me, cause I read on this site the people and their problems and I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I know I shouldn’t compare situations, but I’ve read here where people have had real issues growing up and now. I haven’t had any of those type of issues. My childhood could be considered normal and my life probably should have been. Instead, I live through my days in misery, plagued by way too many things that have hit me this year and it’s hard to bear.

    I’ve been told that I’m always miserable and I’m starting to see it. I often think about dying, and usually I die being some type of hero (which is kinda weird. So, now, I’m going to start making plans in case I decide to do so. Things to leave my kids. Projects to finish. Messages for my kids.

    I can’t get help for this. Everything (counseling, etc) costs money, which I don’t have and I’m not willing to take any type of medication. I am quite trapped by everything.

    My father’s day was not great. At least my kids called (after I had to remind the ex to have them call. They are very young).

    My birthday is turning out to be the most miserable birthday I’ve had in a long time.
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: You have kids counting on you hun...you have to stay...please stay and talk...im here if you need to talk just pm me ok?? :hug:
     
  3. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Sorry. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how they can be counting on me. The kids are a very strong anchor for me and I know that it's only been a few months since I haven't been able to provide for them like I should, which really sucks. It makes me wonder how long they will be an anchor.

    I love them dearly, which makes me hurt more. I try very hard, but I figure I need more than that as motivation to live sometimes, I guess. I mean, if my life were measured in highs and lows, there would be a lot of lows, but my kids are definitely my high.

    My ex and her family make me out to be the bad guy, I'm sure, and I'm sure there are members of my ex's family that would be happy to see me go. I can guarantee that.

    Why not grant their wish? I'm really not doing any good as things are now...
     
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Your children are more important than your ex and her family. They don't want you to die.

    Hell, I'd even bet that your Ex doesn't want you dead, but just doesn't approve.
     
  5. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    Your ex probably doesn't want you dead, but I guess you would know that better than any of us.

    Hey man, at least you have kids and they're young. Of course, what's the use of seeing them grow up and potentially flourish if you yourself have given up on yourself.

    Suicide is usually the route that unusually strong and logically consistent people take. Maybe if you could channel that energy into something else?
     
  6. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Thanks for the support everyone. I don't know what brings on these bouts. I'm sure this won't be the last time. I swear there's something wrong with me.

    I know my kids would miss me, if not now then eventually (sometimes outta sight is outta mind for kids). I do know my oldest pitches a fit if I don't spend enough time with her and have to leave. This usually breaks my heart.

    Even when we were together, my ex tells me that I didn't want to talk to her. But I did. I tried and she didn't want to hear it. Like the world was made of rainbows and puppy dog tails. What's sad is that I wanted to talk about what we needed to do in case something happened to one of us. So if she couldn't listen to that...

    Although, that may prove that she wouldn't want to dead... and at the same time, would provide me a reason to do something. However, like you said, my kids outweigh my ex and they are the ones that allow me to live, even though I'm miserable sometimes.

    I had to quote this because I've never seen this put this way. I actually found this to be a little insightful and may actually fit to me (actually, I've recently read over Despairguy's post and think it fits to him too). I think because of my situation, I've been idle too long. I'm going to try channeling it, especially since I'm working now. Definitely into my writing...

    Although, when I write certain stories, I can upset myself...
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Devon,

    I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I will pray for you right now. I hope with all my heart you realize that you are an important child of the universe and the whole of creation took part in making you! PLEASE never hurt yourself. My childhood was very sad and my life has been hard,but I am here to tell you things get better. Open your sprirt through prayer and watch your life get better I promise!

    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
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