I posted in crisis because I’m making plans to end it all, but I don’t know when or how. I do know that my year and, subsequently, most of my life has sucked. The only good things that came from me are my kids. Things are looking real bad and I may be able to turn a few things around, but I will always have the feeling of wanting to die. It’s embarrassing for me, cause I read on this site the people and their problems and I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I know I shouldn’t compare situations, but I’ve read here where people have had real issues growing up and now. I haven’t had any of those type of issues. My childhood could be considered normal and my life probably should have been. Instead, I live through my days in misery, plagued by way too many things that have hit me this year and it’s hard to bear. I’ve been told that I’m always miserable and I’m starting to see it. I often think about dying, and usually I die being some type of hero (which is kinda weird. So, now, I’m going to start making plans in case I decide to do so. Things to leave my kids. Projects to finish. Messages for my kids. I can’t get help for this. Everything (counseling, etc) costs money, which I don’t have and I’m not willing to take any type of medication. I am quite trapped by everything. My father’s day was not great. At least my kids called (after I had to remind the ex to have them call. They are very young). My birthday is turning out to be the most miserable birthday I’ve had in a long time.