Severe gender dysphoria

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Mar 1, 2010.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    This is my first post here, not counting a request for activation (thanks Cherry).

    I hate my life. I'm a 28-year-old "man" that is trying to become a woman. Because of my size and what I look like, I don't think that with current medical technology I could ever "pass" as female. I've been on hormones for ~2 years, but they haven't affected my appearance much. I never get called "miss" or "ma'am". So I live as male.

    Every day it gets harder to cope with being male. Being on estrogen makes it worse: I get more emotional, and I feel more girly and therefore even more mismatched with my body.

    My friends are really, really tired of hearing my whining and crying. I can see why they hate it from their perspective. They can't put this level of energy into trying to help me, especially when I never try to help myself.

    When I see women shopping, or in a group giggling, or who are pretty, I feel really hurt. I end up barely holding in how I feel until I can get to a room alone to cry.

    I don't see a point to living anymore, since I have to cope with terrible pain from something I can't change. I wish I were dead most of the time. I've never gotten close to attempting suicide, since I'm both too scared and too lazy.

    I post on a transsexual forum as well. However, because of my suicidal thoughts, they said they couldn't help me and referred me to this site. That was about 2 weeks ago.

    I see a therapist once per week, but I feel like that isn't enough. I cry several times per week, not once. I've been locked up for suicidal thoughts before, but the hospital did not help at all. I simply went into "must-find-a-way-out" panic mode, and feigned happiness. It worked, and I was out in 2 days. I don't want to go back - the boredom got to me so quickly.

    I'm not a man.....
  2. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    It's terrible that you have to go through this. I won't lie, I have no idea what it's like, but it must be truely awful.

    I have no idea what to say to help you. I guess I could suggest to stop taking the estrogen, if it's making you feel worse.

    Maybe talking here will help. The community is very supportive.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    How truly horrible for you. Like Things, I have no idea what it must be like for you, but hear it feels truly awful. I rarely say this (or even think it), but I can understand why suicide feels like the only option to you; you sound so trapped. However, that's not to say I think suicide is the right course or action, because I don't. There are ALWAYS other options, even if you do feel so trapped.

    Firstly I would suggest seeing your doctor. I did the exact same thing in hospital (sometimes the staff there are so stupid), but hospital is a very extreme result of asking for help, and I wonder if something like medication or a different kind of therapy or more intensive support may help.

    I also hear about the fact you feel you can't pass as a woman visually. I am wondering what you like to dress in when you are a woman, and if maybe, with the right help, you could potentially achieve a more feminine look with some adjustments and changes to things like what you wear, how you accessorize, make-up, hair, etc.

    I sure do hope that you can find some support here. I do definitely hear how trapped you feel, but hopefully we can help you find a way forward in life that makes you happier and allows you to feel you can be who you truly are.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you were dealt such a difficult who you are...I know this sound cliche, but your physical appearance is just one part of who you present to the world...find someone/ppl who understand and the rest does not matter...I have physical challanges, but I am working to not be my limitations...join my journey and PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  5. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I hope that you find a way to love your self the way you are. I am not sure what else to say, and reading this that might have sounded like a dig of some sort or a subtle way of trying to say that you should accept that you are a man. However this is not my intention at all, so all of this was just to clarify that possible miscommunication. Good luck and keep sharing.
  6. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist has me on anti-depressants, but really, they don't do a whole lot. He's taken me through some 10 different medications. They make me less irritable, but don't help me feel better. I'm pretty much equally depressed regardless of what I'm on.

    My New Year's resolution for the last ~6 years was to not live to see the next year. Since I'm posting, you can see how that went =/

    Kill me...
  7. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I don't wear women's clothes at all because if I do, I cry from how horrible I look. It's caused me to become really afraid of it. I also have nobody to help me.

    I doubt I will find support here. I'm better off dead, but it's hard for me to get the courage / desperation to kill myself.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You won't find support to kill yourself here, but you've already found emotional support here because you have post replies.

    Has your psych discussed any other types of therapy with you or anything? Or any other type of meds other than anti-depressants?

    It's very sad that you can't dress and allow yourself to be the person on the outside that you are on the inside. Have you tried getting dressed in clothes you want to wear and working to make yourself feel good, but not checked in the mirror?

    Sometimes it can be hard to show the outside world who you truly are, especially when you feel so bad about it inside. Have you looked into any support groups in your area that you could go to?
  9. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    What other types of therapy are there? I've been around the block with medication though.

    Even without looking in the mirror, I hate it because nothing fits right. It's not that it's the right size, but rather my body proportions don't work with the clothes at all.

    I've been to several support groups so far. I cry when I see or hear those who have been able to transition and now look female. Well, I mostly just feel terrible and cry a lot in general. I feel really bad that I ruin the experience for others by how depressed I am.

    I've been through 4 therapists, and none of them have really helped me.

    The relationships I have with friends are slowly dying. I see them outside of work less and less. I think they are tired of how I do nothing other than be depressed and I never do anything about my depression. I end up being such a burden on them, so I can understand why.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I'm running out of options now.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It can take a long time to find the right therapist and one that works for you. There are a huge variety of different types of therapy. You have a variety of different types of counselling (person centred, transactional analysis, etc) and you also have different types of therapy (counselling being a type of therapy), so things like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Cognitive Analytical Therapy, Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, and many, many others, so there are lots of different things to try see if they work. Something like CBT may help because it looks at thought processes.

    Could you maybe buy clothes and then take them to a dressmaker to be altered so that they fit your body? Or maybe start to learn how to sew and adjust things yourself, so that you can alter your clothing? To be honest, women's clothing is a nightmare for many people because its an average and very few people actually have average bodies, so many people need to make adjustments to clothes.

    Its incredibly hard when you see people who have completed their journey, but maybe they can be a sign of hope that you can complete yours.

    Could you force yourself to go out with your friends at all? I know it can be hard when you feel so low, but isolating yourself often leads to feeling worse and like no one cares, but really, they do care, but often the illness pushes them away.
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