I think I've cried about three times today. The pain I feel is overwhelming at times. I spent most of my days in my bed with all the lights out in total darkness listening to crazy dark ambient music. I have bipolar disorder type 1. I'm 28 and was hospitalized and diagnosed when I was 15. I've been hospitalized 4 times in total. I have not been outside in years except for maybe two appointments a year or something like that. I'm severely agoraphobic. A few months ago I had a psychologist appointment that was arranged by the government because I've been trying to get disability, which I've been denied 5 times for. That appointment caused me to go way off course and by then my meds had already stopped working. I haven't been on any medications for months. I was in a deep manic episode for a couple months, then into a dysphoric mania filled with rage and psychotic thoughts, now for the past few weeks I have sunk into a deep, deep depression. I've been on and off psychiatric medications for the past 13 years of my life. And no, I'm not going back on them ever again. Yes, I've been without medication many times, and have paid for it. Yes I can take medication and this depression will go away, but it comes at a price, while on the meds I feel numb and so fucked up like I am giving myself a mild lobotomy by taking them. And they always, always stop working eventually. I have bipolar from both sides of family, I feel that I am truly fucked in this way. I've tried every medication there is, it's all the same. I've been in and out of therapy too for over 10 years and that hasn't helped me either. I don't know why I'm posting here. I'm not expecting anyone to really understand what it's like to be in my position and to go through what I'm going through, but I know that you all understand what it's like to feel real pain, to suffer, to want to die so much that it scares you. I'm not looking for sympathy. Not looking for someone to preach about how I should give meds another shot or seek help etc. I'm actually not looking for any sort of encouragement or false hopes of things getting better. I guess I'm just trying to reach out. For days I've been trying to find people to talk to who are suicidal as well. It helps me to talk to other people who are going through the same thing. It makes me feel less alone. So I guess I'm just trying to reach out. To find someone who can hear me and just wants to talk about life, about whatever. This is probably a lot to ask for, and I'll most likely regret writing this message, I'm not interested in a community of encouragement and positivity and I have nothing against it either. It's just not for me. This forum said it's for anyone who has suicidal thoughts. Well I have them. Everyday. I just have a brain that's fucked up. There is no cause for it. There is no reason for it. I was never abused. I had a great childhood. Great parents. I'm not saying this to boast or anything, I'm actually grateful I had a nice childhood, I mean yeah my dad yelled at me a lot, but that's nothing compared to all the stories I've heard from people about the physical, emotional or sexual abuse they've had growing up. I just suffer a lot everyday because my brain chemistry is simply fucked. Even in the manic times that are supposed to be filled with happiness are always mixed with depression and rage. I'm just tired of it all. I don't want to discuss anything further about my suicidal thoughts because I will probably break a couple rules doing so, which I read before I decided to post on here. Suffice to say, I really want to die. I do have a plan but it would take time and money to do and to be honest I'm still on the fence about it. I have not decided to end my life but I feel that I'm really heading in that direction now. I have never attempted suicide because I know that if I ever chose to do it I would make absolutely sure I would not survive. I've been close many times though to doing it. At any rate, this is my last attempt to reach out. So I hope that someone out there really hears me, and if not, then that's ok, because I'm not expecting anything special save for the usual positive, don't give up and keep fighting pep talk that is greatly appreciated, but that I don't care for. I'm just trying to find people who are going through the same thing. I'm not looking to be saved or reasoned with, just understood and heard and I would gladly understand and hear you back.