Severely Distressed College Student

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by helpseeker21, Jul 8, 2009.

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  1. helpseeker21

    helpseeker21 New Member

    Hi there,

    I really never have done this before, but I feel a need to get an outsider's viewpoint from my journal entry. I just have never felt THIS down to where I am about to not be able to manage daily activities due to mental anguish, and I cannot suppress myself much longer before something major happens (or so I feel.) I am sorry to burden you with this long of a post, but I just need some people to vent to, so here it goes..

    7-8-09

    Here I am again, up all night cramming for a test. Staying up on Adderall doing constant summer schoolwork is taking its toll on me. On average, my sleep schedule varies tremendously and is causing horrible irritability. I feel so alone and isolated, and my heart aches for something else. I wish I could just escape from this world for a while and get my priorities straightened out. I am very depressed right now and just want to die with Michael Jackson, but unlike him I feel I would not be missed by many at all. I fear for where my life is going. I want to be happy, but I feel like I have been pushing way too long for something that I fear too much to be happy with.​
    I am gay, but with my southern conservative family, coming out and being myself to the ones I love the most would most definitely be impossible and cause major separation. This hurts more than anything, because my family is such a tight bunch. We all live in the same area, with the exception of me living off at college only two hours away. My main concerns are to find my significant other and be happy, and to have my family happy with ME, but that will NEVER happen in my eyes. This quandary has left me in such emotional and mental pain for so long, at least since I was 13, that I am about to have a nervous breakdown (or so I feel.)​
    I am now 21 years old and I feel like I am being pushed to grow up and don’t know how to go about doing so. I smoke marijuana daily to escape from the world and am prescribed benzodiazepine and an anti-depressant that makes me feel numb and only intensifies my laziness. This is a bad thing, considering I am a high sprung individual with horrible OCD problems. My stress level has maxed out, I am financially negligent, and I have so many mental issues right now that I have swept under the carpet so to speak for so long, that I feel it is no use in dealing with them anymore. I have been slowly giving up and becoming lethargic and very lazy the past few months.​

    Instead of the light at the end of the tunnel, I see overpowering water at the bottom of a well. I feel that I am falling deeper and deeper each day, with each test that I do poorly on, and with each obstacle that I do not overcome. In my current state of mind, I feel like killing myself more than ever. I am scared that something is going to give soon in my mental state, and I may have a mental breakdown. I currently am seeing a psychiatrist, but he only talks for a few minutes about how the meds are working and has only “talked” to me the first session. I need professional help beyond medication (probably cognitive therapy) before I can provide myself as a benefit to society. Society has been crushing down on me, although partly my fault for delusional thinking. My upbringing and environment has seriously put a crush on me as it continuously negatively interferes with my soul, with my identity, and with my future career goals. I cannot go on with my life so disheveled and unorganized, both financially and academically.​
    So now I ask you, "What am I to do with myself?" I feel so crazy and psychotic, mostly due to isolation and withdrawal from my friends. I just can’t make myself perk up and have a good day. I can’t provide myself with enough self esteem to be sociable in most situations, and it is killing me because I am not the anti-social type at all. I isolate myself more or less to make my grades for my future career goals, but this is putting severe pressure and sadness on me. Smoking marijuana everyday helps with the sick feeling of depression, but it makes me further depressed as I have been using for over two years now and rarely gets me “high and happy” but instead “down and desolate.”​
    Sometimes, I just wish the drugs that I am on would interact and kill me. My self-esteem has been shredded and obliterated by so many factors, and my dreams seem too far out of reach. The only thing that is keeping me currently sane is listening to soothing piano music and typing about how I feel. I just wish that we could all be created equal, and that life did not have to be so heart-wrenching. I believe in God and Jesus Christ but I must say I am losing my faith in this downward spiral that I seem to be on. I can only hope that God will answer my call for help and guide me as I strive to push on for a better tomorrow. Until then, my soul will keep sliding down, further and further, into a dark and deep, solemn, horrid, frightening pit until it can hold on no longer to my physical self in the world. I hope that I will rise up like Christ and get myself out of this horrible place. All things in HIS name I pray, wish, and hope for.​

    -John Smith
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    A lot of stress and anxiety depression your not alone A lot of college students are in the same point too much stress. Guess what there are concillors you need to talk to. Go talk to them and see if they can help decrease your work load. Give you more time to get those assignments done.
    Get a note from your doctor stating your depressionand present it to your professors and see if you can get decrease work load or more time to hand things in. My suggestion to you is lay off the pot not a good mix when your trying to get work done. You need to talk to someone who can help you decrease all this stress talk with school councillor and get themto talk to your professors. Have a note from your psychiatrist your doctor ready to show them you are suffering from depression and they will get you the help the reprive you need take care best wishes and remember one day at a time and get off the drugs.
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I suggest you see a councillor! There are a lot of councillors in colleges, because many students feel the same pressures and stress that you are feeling. Seeking help is the best way to conquer this feeling so that you can get on and enjoy college life. Good luck!
     
  4. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Soo couple of things I wanted to say....Maybe u should just stick to prescription drugs and drop the rest!!!! including the Adderall...I think they just feed ur depression and anxiety making everything worse...I know easier said then done but ultimately u wanna be depression and anxiety free and I'm not sure u can get there other wise.

    As well I think u should find a counselor if u can. It seems to me that u need extra help, more than ur psychiatrist is giving you. My psychiatrists are pretty much the same,they really dont talk to me and only up my meds and whatnot. One of them (yes I have 2 psychiatrists..im that fucked up) told me he thinks i dont need a counselor even after i told him i had a plan and a date set...so yeah find urself a counselor if u think thats what u need I would do it.

    I dont know what ur situation is and I dont know if you have a friend or trusted family member that u can talk to but it was beneficial for me to have someone to talk to about being gay...lif u dont already have someone to talk to maybe u should consider telling someone close to u... that u trust ...that ur gay, it helped me allot....u can always talk to me if u want about whatever...pm me or u can add me on MSN or whatever...just know ur not alone and theres lots of great people here to give u support and help.

    Steve
     
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