Sex Addict_Story_Final Plans

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by exit_wound1, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. exit_wound1

    exit_wound1 New Member

    Hi, sorry for my grammar in advance.

    There are probably hundreds of threads like this on this board. Not sure if I'll get a response, maybe I'll get the "suicide is not the answer" reply. I have thought long and hard about this.

    This is been going on for decades, I always had a body image problem . I always had a hard time looking in the mirror. I never took pictures or was involve in any social media for the same reason. This caused me to develop a sexual addition from my early 20's. It could have been any addition really, alcohol, drugs, but I choose sex for some reason.

    No one knew, I acted normal in front of people & family. I had my addition under some control and was able to develop relationships, eventually got married, had a child & started my own business. I couldn't just have sex with random girls after I was married so I turn to escorts.

    I would spend hours & days looking for the "right" escort to call. I also developed a porn addition that allowed me to become a compulsive mastrubator. I have done this through my entire marriage. I would have sex with escorts and cry sometimes afterwards. I would tell myself that I would not do this anymore, what's wrong with me! But I think I know...

    When I was a baby I was born in another country. Something went wrong during my circumcision where they had to perform several follow up surgeries. As a result I developed scarring in my penis which also turned into severed shrinkage when In a flaccid state. I'm still able to have sex but is really hard unless I'm on Cialis, and my size is about average when erect. The problem started as a physical thing and turned into a mental problem.

    I constantly tug on my penis hundreds of times a day because is a physical discomfort. It just doesn't feel right down there, when I walk, when I sit, when I do anything. It bothers me like something is out of place, is a nightmare. I think this is where my issues started. I went ahead and had plastic on my nose and a tummy tuc surgery since I couldn't due anything about my penis. This happened in my mid 20's to make me feel better about myself. It helped but it didn't last, just gave me something else to focus my energy on.

    This all fell apart about 4 years ago. I lost my business, house & car. I could no longer feed my addition without being noticed. By this time I had sleept with hundreds of girls and some trannies. The trannie thing was so I wouldn't feel inadequate about my penis or so I told myself. Either way I feel nothing, I feel shame and regret afterwards but that goes away within a few days. Soon after I got caught by my wife, I didn't confess my addition and said it was someone I met a my new job.

    I kept doing what I was doing but was more cautious. I become desperate and started looking in places where I would never have looked before. I think I'm am addict because this takes a hold of me & I can't control it. Nothing matters during that time & I make irrational decisions. Soon after I was arrested in an undercover sting operation. It was humiliating to say the least. I confessed to my wife but it didn't go well. She said "YOU'RE NOT AN ADDICT", you just like to have sex with girls, That's just an excuse.

    I said no I'm an addict I know it and this is the way I deal with my insecurities. She decided not to leave me but told me to get help. I looked for places to help me around my area but never went. Being arrested for peostituion was humiliating, I had to see a Judge with 50-100 people in a small room who were there mostly for DUI's. I didn't know where to hide my face. I also had to do community service, pay fines, etc. I stopped a while after that, I tried to stop several times before but It usually only took 1 time to relapse. When I did try to stop I would become obsessed with other things like sports, social or professional interest, etc. BUT, that would never last.

    I have also been depressed my entire life. From my early twenties, at times my professional career was going so well that it didn't affect me as much. I was on medication from time to time but it never helped me. So going back to 4 years ago, I was watching a porn and for some reason showed my wife. She said she had never seen one but seem very intrigued by it. I said what's wrong, she said that she thought it was a myth, I said what, she said she didn't think black guys were built like that. BTW, she's always been attracted to dark guys, myself included but never said anything like that.

    I didn't think much of it till one day she said if it was ok for her to be with a black guy. I said WHAT!, I flipped and she looked neverous & shocked like she didn't know what she said. She quickly back peddled but it would cause arguments all the time. She would say things like "you did it, why can't I ?". She said that she wants to enjoy sex like everyone else and that it feels good with me but not all the time. Most would say, how can you say anything after all you have done, it serves you right BUT saying that to someone with body issue problems is like egniting a bomb.

    I couldnt let it go, I said to go ahead and do it. As a matter of fact, I don't want to be with you unless you do it. I called her a ton of names and verbally abused her. I wanted to get a divorce, even went to a lawyers office to start the procedure but never did. I have fell into a DEEP depression in which I can't get out. I don't talk to anyone anymore, have gained over 50 pounds and don't really leave my room other than for work. I'm also on TRT which has my hormones all over the place. I take pills to get me up for work and sleeping pills to sleep. I have to pretend everything is ok, I really don't talk to my wife and treat her like a stranger.

    I really don't talk to my daughter even when she desperately wants my attention, she's in high school now, I'm 37. I recently stopped pretending so my family is constantly asking what's wrong. BTW, my dad recently died and my mom has a very awkward relationship with me that I don't truly understand to this day. At work people know something is wrong, I'm not getting my work done, and I think I'm secretly trying to get fired. I attempted suicide a few times,<mod edit - methods>. Another time on the fwy but I didn't want to kill someone else so I back out at the last sec.

    What's my biggest fear? That I'll try one more time, get hurt, loose my job but won't die. I fantasize about being diagnosed with cancer. I don't know, I just feel I bring people down. I think I have only been happy a year or two from my 37 years on this earth, and that was primarily financially which made everything else easier. I'm an addict, I hate my body, I'm socially inept, I have no friends at all, my wife said she still loves but I don't trust her, my family isn't close. I tried to talk to someone but they just looked at me weird. What's the point, I have 2 small dogs and that's all the love I feel. They are loyal, they don't judge me & they love me.

    I know, I know, people may say your problems are not that bad. There are people worse off, people are starving or with mental or physical conditions. I know this but I don't see the point of being alive. I don't know how to explain this, my life is worth nothing. I don't see the point of fighting when I have been unhappy all my life. So I got this thing planned, I think. <mod edit - methods/plan>

    I don't know why I posted this here, maybe I'll send this to my wife before I do it. I just can't talk to her, I hate her, I hate myself, but mostly I HATE THAT I WAS BORN. Hopefully my daughter won't ever read this. No one knows except my wife, this would hurt my daughter to much even if she no longer talks to me. Believe or not I worry about my dogs, they are inoccent creatures, I have always felt really over protective about them and treated them like people, I really love dogs, more than people. Nothing else to say, hopefully my post won't be deleted because of the reference I made, some of us are just torture souls.......Now is real, saying or writing something makes it real somehow....
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2016
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. No matter what you done, you realise you have an addiction and that's important. You have recognised the condition but you need to see someone for either for group therapy or one to one sessions. Perhaps medical intervention made be required in order reduce your addiction and urge. This can be done and DOES NOT MEAN that you have to consider the "final committment" as an option.

    We care about anyone and that includes YOU. Keep posting as you are important.
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hey fella and welcome to SF. Man, that was some read. Interesting and sad. You go into great detail which is fantastic from my perspective.

    Yeah, I think I'll forfeit the Suicide is not the answer speech. But yes, you are a addict and addicition is a illness, so, you are ill. You mention depression, is that diagnosed depression or you telling us and yourself you are depressed? Either way, its not helping matters, even if it is low mood, not full blown depression.

    Either way, you have a lot going on right now. Recent death in the family, job changes, loss of business, addiction, mental health issues.........hell that would cripple most people, how do you function? Some of this stuff is so ingrained, therapy will even find it difficult to treat, we have no chance and neither do you. Its a professional you need to help guide you through to a recovery. We can support you all the way in that and we will. But you have to make the effort to get the help you need and then it takes time and effort to do what is needed to get into recovery. So thats your part and its up to you if you make that effort or not. Without it, nothing changes.

    But its not a hopeless situation. With proper treatment and medication, you can have a life that is worth living and meaningful relationships with people who you care about and love.
  4. exit_wound1

    exit_wound1 New Member

    Thank you for both of the replies, I didn't think anyone would because my story is so long. I agree I need help but I don't have any money to see someone. I went from having a big house to renting a small room at my sisters place. I'm in massive debt, I don't even know how much I owe. My check is being garnished right now and I barely make it every pay period. I dont qualify for assistance because my overall income is not low but the IRS and creditors take a big chunk. So on top of everything else I have a big financial burden. My hours are very long, I commute 3 hours a day and work 10-12 hours so I'm really exhausted when I get home. I don't know if I could even see someone if I could afford to. Usually are more mentally tired than anything else. I also work with my wife and commute with her to save money even after all our problems. I sit in the back seat and pretend to sleep but she knows I'm not sleeping so she stares at me. She gets really upset sometimes and saids "Talk to me!" "Talk to me" so we fight and bring the past back out. So that's my day, it happens every day. I'm also being really over loaded at work, I like my boss but he travels a lot. So my other boss is the biggest dick I have ever met. I get bombarded with work, I never have time to finish and I'm to mentally tired to work when I get home. Since my business went under I had jump into another field to get work and is really hard. It takes me a long to do things, I always fall behind and have to study or work on the weekends to make it up. BUT than I get depressed and stop everything and just lay there in my bed. I don't shower or anything, my wife calls me lazy and just looks at me. To answer an early question I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago. So all these things are on top of my addiction and my other problems. I just drink a lot of caffeine and try not to think about it at work. Is really a very toxic situation....this is a lot to take for anyone, all this finally broke me. I tried for years to climb out of this hole but I just don't have it in me to do it anymore. I know is hard to understand from the outside in....