Sex? Nope.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Lorax, Dec 13, 2014.

  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm a fairly young guy, out of school & all that. I hit puberty fairly normal, 11 or so. Then around 13 I really started wanting to get closer to girls, but mainly as friends.

    Few years later, 15 or so. I wanted to start dating, but I didn't want any kind of sexual involvement. Fast forward to 18. I finally got really close to a girl,I had a huge crush on for over 2 years. Thought about kissing, but nothing else. (We never dated)

    Go ahead a few years. I finally 'officially' dated a girl from work. We kissed, and it was nice… to see her happy at least. We did 'other' things, but at least I never 'went all the way'

    I really liked seeing her enjoy it, but naturally it didn't do anything for me. Between the panic attacks, inability to 'finish' lack of pleasure, and stress. I just never tried again. I kissed one other girl, but it was completely neutral for me.

    I've never really been attracted to the act, or the stress of that kind of relationship. I'm not gay, or bi. I'm attracted to women, but I don't want anything sexual.

    It seems kind of hard to really 'date' since I'm not sure how it's different than being close friends. On the plus side, I'm never marrying or having kids anyways. ( not ready or willing) but it's confusing at times. Kind of hard that no one thinks it's 'real' and it impacts other areas of my life. It's not a physical inability either, just a severe lack of attraction.

    If it matters, I had some family abuse me as a kid, and grew up with a very Religious older sister.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    That's normal. Sounds familiar to me hearing this type of stuff on AVEN forum, an Asexuality website, I'm not labeling you as anything but it's what they're going through is similiar. Just letting you know you're not alone.
     
  3. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I think I stumbled across aven once, but didn't really try it. Other than being open with future partners, doesn't seem like much can be done. Why was I born so damn good looking though.. at least I can still joke I guess. (but I am)
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Maybe you only think right now that you never want to marry or have children, feelings and goals change over time. You could meet miss perfect yet. As for being a virgin,I envy that. I wish I was a virgin and end up making love to the one I love. Maybe that only happens in fairytales, I don't know.
    Do whatever you feel is right and at the right time. Much respect to you
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    There's a chance you will meet a woman that is on the same page as you.
     
  6. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    Indeed, goals, people, situations do change. I used to be very diferent. Alas, I've been turned off marriage by too many 'situations' kids and I get along great, everyone thinks I'd be a great dad. But the whole 'method' to getting them ya know?

    I'm along the thought of 'the one' is the one you keep putting effort into, not so much a certain person. On the other side, I am kind of… not a good candidate for things like 'love'

    Being a virgin isn't such a big deal really. Some people, like my friend's bro wait till their mid 20's then go crazy. Others do it really young. Then there's one's who just don't.

    I can't say with 100% certainty if I'm officially a V or not, but someone I loved did a lot to me… but I was too young to know what it was. Such is life I guess.
     
  7. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    I actually did once. We were great friends, and she was A too. But she was interested in another guy… and girl. But I'm sure I can explain it (if the situation calls) I just wish I wasn't so uncomftorable about the whole topic. Maybe it's time to move to a remote island, and befriend a volleyball…
     
  8. I am the same in some respects, to me the only enjoyment I actually get is the fact that the other person is enjoying them self, I don't know if it was skewed expectations, but I have to admit from my first time it was pretty much a case of, I don't know what all the fuss is about sex, it was enjoyable, but nothing that makes me want to keep at it, I honestly am not bothered if I don't have sex
     
  9. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I must agree with you, I think sometimes, that fantasy is better than the reality. With that said, sometimes, the constant thinking about actual sex can actually cause a person to be way too distracted, and in turn, have people lose focus on their careers/jobs, an much more important things in life - there is more to life than sex, IMHO.

    Always stay safe regardless, and always beware of predators, because they disguise themselves quite well sometimes.
     
  10. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Did you ever get counseling for your abuse? I don't see how that would directly impact your lack of sexual desire but it'd be probably a good idea. If you do meet a great woman then I hope she's just comfortable with no sex. There's a lot of us out there. Of course you might meet someone and take the necessary steps (medication probably) to please her.

    Bottom line--you aren't weird. Dating without sex is just like becoming good friends with someone.
     
  11. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    I'd like to say I'm the same.

    Because when I saw your thread I felt like maybe I will find someone like me.

    So ... it's different but similar in some aspect.
    And anyway good to read.

    It's more like I can't get involved with anyone.
    Not that I can't understand commitment. And in that I might be so oldschool-fairytale-prince-ish that it simply ridiculous.

    But I rarely feel attracted to someone anyway.
    I put friendship in a more valuable position so when I come to appreciate someone my first reaction will always be : Oh I will be so glad if we can be friends.
    And I'm probably that much twisted that when I feel I can have some kind of special admiration I only want to be in love from afar and be able to take care od that personn. But it's super rare to be honest. Didn't happened to me for years.
    At that time, I could still understand the beauty in some sensual gesture, more recently I became unable to enjoy any touch. It creeps me out and scares me like shit especialy if someone take an initiative and get even a little bit touchy it just makes me want to cry and runaway ... or the other way round.

    So well ... sex is just not at all into consideration.

    It must be very usual for girls to not have any sexual desire.
    Maybe.

    But it's good to hear that it can happen to anyone.

    What is the hardest is that at some point people around ask you once or twice if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and then try to find you someone ... and the worst is when they stopped asking but look at you like a weirdo ... probably wondering what is that wicked thing in your head that make you that way.
    It's like not wanting to have sex or have a boyfriend or girlfriend makes you all disfunctionnal.

    I don't judge people because they like sex, because they like things that might be considered as twisted, if they're hetero or homosexual ... I don't mind people talking about it. It's not like I judge them ... but then why am I judged because I don't need sex in my life.

    I feel like we came from a "sex is bad and you must only go missionary with your hetero partner after marriage or you are a dirty sinner" to a " you must enjoy sex every way and (clame it ?) or you're disfunctionnal" ???

    Why ?
     
  12. Bert29

    Bert29 Account Closed

    People differ on how they're being attracted. You're not attracted with sex. But me, I'm attracted to it and as I do it I wanna do it again and again.