sex with my boyfriend and guilt.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by moogkitz, Mar 10, 2011.

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  1. moogkitz

    moogkitz Well-Known Member

    (I'm sorry, I'm not sure where this thread should go, but putting it in 'the uncertainty principle' section seemed about right.)

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, we started having sex pretty early in our relationship. Lately, he's been really annoying about sex. He's always ALWAYS horny, and its really irritating. at first, he'll ask if we can have sex and I'll just say "I don't really want to..." or something like that, and he'll whine and get upset and say "I'm gonna die/explode, we haven't had sex in like a month" (over-exaggeration...) And I'll get pretty angry and say "I don't want to, stop asking me!"

    I eventually end up feeling guilty because I just feel like I owe it to him, but I don't know why. It's really eating me up. It makes me so upset, I don't even want to be alone with him anymore...

    :dunno: Should I feel guilty? Do you think I "owe it" to him? Have you ever had a situation like this? I'd really like to know.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    If you're never in the mood, it's not that he'll die, it's more that your relationship might. Tread with caution. It would be wise to be in the mood more, you might look into that, and you can probably enjoy it too.
  3. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    omg, i actually thought i'd wrote this post without remembering! I feel exactly the same, but mines more like 'i'll give you a tenner for a blow job'
    and i end up feeling bad and abit poor (kidding) but i totally understand how you feel, and tbh we don't OWE them anything, and sex is never something you owe your other half. just because we don't feel like having sex doesn't mean we don't love them. don't let it upset you, it's not worth it. If you aren't attracted to him anymore maybe it is best you both go seperate ways, but if you do still have strong feelings for him just try n stick it out, also don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do! That's not how relationships work, and u shouldn't have to force it upon yourself. Sorry for the essay! Hope it all works out for the best xxx
  4. Seems_Perfect

    Seems_Perfect Well-Known Member

    Speaking as a guy...
    Hell no you shouldn't feel guilty and hell no you don't owe him anything.
    Its crucial that you know that b/c its true.

    I think you should tell him again (before things get hot) that you don't like being pressured and however else you're feeling. Let him know that it makes you want to be with him LESS not more (that lets him see there is a negative consequence to his behavior).

    Just a heads up though, he may say something like "Well, you got me used to this and now you're cutting me off and that's not fair and blah-blah-blah." Its bullsh**. You sound like a strong, smart woman so don't fall for it. Listen to YOUR feelings. Its not selfish - a guy who isn't willing to understand is the selfish one.

    I was a jock in high school, in a frat in college, and worked in an intense career field while in the military so I know how us guys can be - high testosterone and all. At the same time I know a good guy is willing to listen to the woman in his life b/c he cares about her, whereas the losers are only out for themselves. Talk to your b/f and hopefully you'll find he's a good guy who will change his attitude. Worst case is you drop him and find that you're happier and less stressed w/out him and its his loss, not yours.

    Hope this helps a little. Good luck.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think it's natural to have less sex as the relationship goes on. you just get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. that's been true for me in the past. the first six months are great and then things get into a pattern. keep trying to talk to him about this. i agree that he should know that his current strategy of pressuring you is backfiring, it's making you want him even less. that should make him rethink how he talks about this.

    has anything happened to make you desire him less?
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I don't think you should feel guilty if you don't want to have sex.
  7. moogkitz

    moogkitz Well-Known Member

    thanks everyone for your replies.

    dazzle: it's not that I don't have any desire for him anymore, I just recently started birth control, so that kinda destroys my libido... or I guess sex just isn't fun for me anymore. I feel like he has all the fun and pleasure, I'm just there.

    ali: your boyfriend offers to give you money for a blowjob? WOW. I'd punch mine if he ever said something like that to me. haha but I don't want to split up with him, I guess our sex life just needs to improve. lol

    Seems perfect: thanks, you seem like a good guy. Your post puts a lot into perspective. I know my boyfriend is a good guy, I guess it's just that "primal urge" bull**** workin its way through.

    I'll try to talk to my boyfriend next time it comes up.
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    If birth control is making you not want to have sex, it is failing horribly. Or succeeding through the wrong means. You're not in the mood for sex because of something you take for when you do have sex?


    Lack of sex has killed many relationships, even marriages, especially with new children (and similar problems arise with antidepressants and birth control). It's a very real risk. I am concerned for the relationship.

    I have had problems with this myself recently where I'm the guy and I have the need and I know I shouldn't take it out on her... What made it even worse was the one time I took some liberties when she wasn't in the mood (we have a safeword, don't worry) and she did enjoy it but she still refused in the future and I don't understand.

    But if sex isn't enjoyable for you, he's doing something wrong. Make him do it right if he wants to do it at all. Lots of foreplay, lots of intimacy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2011
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Birth control tends to do that... Does it to me. It sucks. It also makes me suicidal.

    Both reasons why I stay off that now.
  10. Buried

    Buried Member

    You shouldn't feel guilty, you shouldn't feel like you owe him anything.
    I am on the other side of this situation. My fiance and I recently had a sexual slowdown, and I began pressuring him too much. He told me about it, about how he feels like he has to do it or I'll be upset with him. I actually felt really bad and stopped. He told me he would want to do it more if I wasn't so ready, I guess. It just lost the appeal because he didn't have to try anymore, which I totally understand. He misses the chase. So now, when he comes on to me, even if I really really just want to take him to pleasure town, I resist him for a while, make him work for it. It has made our sex life a lot better.

    Just be honest about how you feel. It worked for us. Good luck!
  11. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    Why doesn't he just masterbate if you are not in the mood? Better yet... why doesn't he try something romantic to get you in the mood?

    BTW, I'm a guy. You don't owe him anything. A good sexual relationship is nice, but if he has too many hormones then he should talk to his doctor or learn some self control instead of putting so much pressure on you.
  12. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    As far as I know, you don't owe him shit until he puts a ring on your finger, and even then he still has to understand and acknowledge your feelings. He's got a hand. Maybe if he stops being a douchebag then you won't be turned off by him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2011
  13. moogkitz

    moogkitz Well-Known Member

    Thnx once again for the replies.

    Sometimes, I ask my bf "why don't you just go masturbate or something?" and he'll say "It's not the same." I guess he doesn't want to work for it (he wants me on top, he wants me to give him a bj, etc.) and he's just being lazy.

    Some of the stuff he says and does lately just really gets under my skin. Like, I'll be telling him a story or talking to him about something and he'll keep trying to touch the crotch of my pants or my boobs. Or he'll interrupt me (sometimes he waits until I'm done talking...) and say "let's have sex right now!" I'll usually say no, that I want him to stop bringing sex into the conversation, or I don't want to do it now, but then he brings it up again somehow... It is very irritating.

    I know my boyfriend is a good guy, and I'm not just saying that. He is great, and he treats me like a princess. I'm trying to talk to him more about this issue, but it's extremely hard for me to have a serious conversation with anyone or tell someone how I'm feeling.
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