Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Bad Wolf, Dec 20, 2009.

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  1. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    I wrote a novel about this then decided that it was tl;dr, so here's the long and short of it:

    Sex hurts. A lot. Been having tons of sexual nightmares lately (one about my boyfriend's father). Had voluntary sex with my boyfriend of almost a year and half, then panicked, asked him to stop although he was already being exceedingly cautious, he didn't stop, he was almost there and came very quickly but it was a good minute or so of resisting... did he rape me? I want to vomit when I think about it (he does too, I know he honestly feels guilty, but it's not the first time something like this has happened [but never this bad]). I woke up hurting and I wish I wasn't alive when I think about it. It makes me sick. I won't let him touch me sexually. I just can't take this distrust at this point. There is too much else going on.

    (this :sleepy: is adorable, ftr.)
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    when you say no, stop, I can't those all mean NO and if he continues then its rape...I'm sorry you had to go through that, was this your first time?

    You said you wrote a book but I didnt understand what it was about, was it about your experience? Or just an erotic novel with characters?

    Sex can hurt if not done properly, if your not ready or not lubricated...also some women, still have a part of the hymen that hasn't ripped so everytime it hurts until it get ripped up...I had a friend who had problems with sex because each time her boyfriend tried to go in it hurt as hell..she went to a gynecologist and I don't know what happened because we're not friends anymore...

    anyways it sounds though that you were traumatized by sex...were you abused? if you don't mind me can always pm me if this is too public...I'd love to talk with you...

  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    If you told him to stop, and he didn't, then yes: that's rape. Although it doesn't sound like he intended to hurt you, it was still wrong and it's obvious that you've been deeply affected by the event. Have you discussed this at all with someone you know and trust (family, counselor, friends)?

    I think that was just a turn of phrase. She means that she wrote a long post about it, but then decided to keep it short.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  4. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    Thanks for clarifying my terminology, FourthDerivative <3 Yeah, by "novel" I just meant an absurdly long post that no one would read, so I shortened it.

    No, we've been having sex for about a year (he was my first). Sex is painful for a few different reasons; I'm naturally dry so I do have to keep super-lubricated and I also have HPV, so I have a painful (benign) legion as well. It's not the first time that something like this has happened, but never on this scale. It was pretty traumatic, I used to really enjoy sex but in the last six months the pain has been getting bad and I've enjoyed it less, and our (my boyfriends and my) trust in one another is at a low point. Our relationship is struggling a little and it's probably mostly due to this issue, where I can't trust him not to hurt me and we both feel guilty about everything. Just, he was away at Annual Training for the national guard for two weeks until the 14th of this month, and while he was gone I had a LOT of traumatic nightmares, mostly about sex. I haven't had any since he got home, but they were pretty terrible when he was gone.

    I woke up the next day realllllly hurting, like terrible cramps even though I'm on the pill and not near my period at all. It really wasn't physically that bad at the time but it was really emotionally upsetting. I do have a lot of other nightmarish things going on in my life right now (I've been ill for 5 months and have scarcely left the house since September, I can't have a job or anything) and I'm already stressed, so it was definitely a limit-pusher. I haven't ever been abused before, my dad used to drink but all he would do is yell a little, so I'm fairly lucky as far as that's concerned. I'm also having friend troubles at the moment and I don't have anyone to talk to about this particular problem. Currently, I'm seeking a counselor but haven't found one.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I relate understand No is no and if he heard it then he should have stopped god he should have stopped. I hate sex as well. I had to just pushed my guy away god i hate me i know how hurtful and confusing it can get. Talk with someone okay get councilling therapy so you can heal. Talk with boyfriend make it quite clear to him what he did was wrong it was rape tell him how he has destroyed this trust
    I am sorry you had to go through this please talk with a therapist.
  6. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    Thanks Violet <3 He most definitely knows... knows it was wrong, knows it ruined all the progress we made over the last week, knows it hurt me... he feels incredibly bad, he hasn't known before but he does know. It's quite clear that it wasn't okay and he hasn't even tried to touch me sexually since then, just nice hugs and cuddles. I'm afraid to use the word "rape" to him though because it might just make it worse. :(
  7. finster

    finster Member

    Your boyfriend actually sounds pretty understanding and patient, alot more than 99.9% of guys. Unfortunately guys usually reach a "point of no return" where it's really hard to put the brakes on, even if they want to.

    You would probably be better off abstaining until you can reach some kind of resolution with your psychological and physical problems and issues.

    Take care.
  8. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    Finster makes a good point. If a man is anywhere near the point of orgasm, then he is running on 90% animal instinct, and most conscious thought is replaced by the primal need to procreate. Just about every guy knows that your mind goes wonky when you are close to orgasm, and rational thought can sometimes disappear entirely (something that many people consider one of the great benefits of sex). From experience, the primal urges tend to dull with time, but I remember being a teen, and knowing that a truck about to hit me wouldnt have stopped me if I was anywhere near that point. Luckily, nothing bad ever came of it.

    In any case, what it seems to me is that your bf was trying to show you that he could be gentle enough for it to be pleasurable, and was a bit too steadfast in his efforts. Its more than clear, by what youve said, that he had no malicious intent, and feels really awful about it. He tried to show you that, even though you have physical issues, you can be intimate without being hurt. I guarantee that he thought everything would be okay, youd see that you were indeed capable of non painful sex with him, and that this revelation would bring you closer. Obviously, this is the opposite of what happened, and its clear hes hurt by this. This is of course not to say that you arent hurt as well.

    Will many people here tell you that this is without a doubt rape? Yes, by very nature of this site, there will be a bias on the subject based mainly on the fact that many people here have had to deal with things as awful and disgusting as rape. In this case, however, I wouldnt consider this out and out rape. You were having consensual sex with your bf, and when it became painful, he was too close to orgasm to understand just what was happening. With a clearer mind, he has come to regret it, and is even avoiding all sexual contact with you as a result of it (something that is tough on any relationship). He made a mistake in the heat of passion, and knows it. If you need therapy to deal with these things as a whole, then by all means seek it. Accusing him of rape as a result of what happened that night, though, would likely create a rift that would all but end your relationship. Rape is a serious accusation on the level of murder or kidnapping, and not something that will be, or should be, taken lightly by anyone involved.

    Issues with intimacy and sex itself, physical or mental, will effect your partner as well. A relationship that lacks intimacy will inevitably cause frustrations, and sometimes, mistakes. In my opinion, this was a mistake that had no malicious intent, though ultimately youre the one who will have to make any and all distinctions. I hope you can come to one that brings you to a better mindset, whichever way you choose to go.
  9. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    Thanks Fleet Asleep. I know he didn't do it to hurt me, he never does, but that's the third notable time in 6 months, and he has been pressuring me a lot these past few months. It's just bad... I feel guilty because I know it's important to him (although he maintains that it isn't) and I can't do it, and then when we do, he feels guilty (and I feel guilty for making him feel guilty)--it's a vicious circle. I don't know how to avoid it altogether with something like this. you guys say it's ultimately my issue, which I think you're right about, but am I the only one who has to make concessions?
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No you are not the only one to make concessions Your boyfriend if he cares should back off until you can get some therapy to deal with all the negative emotions you are having about this issue. Tell him no more you just cannot go there until you are stable. Maybe get some councilling together about this issue maybe doing it together he will understand just how damaging it is to you
    take care.
  11. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    i agree a lot with Fleet Asleep. if he's near orgasm it becomes a very confusing area. i guess there can even be varying/confused degrees of rape (although vast majority of times it is clear cut, no question), and i personally find it hard to make a judgement on what information you have given - because its very complex. although you say it went on for a minute of resisting, which is really too long.

    but one thing is for sure you need to talk about this with him, because you are very upset, and so is he (probably confused). and i think you need to do this before you have sex again. if anything still feels wrong after this then i would finish the relationship. i think if you don't address this then things are going to get seriously worse.

    i am no expert, but just trying to give you another opinion
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  12. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    Thank you guys <3

    But... what exactly do I say?
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You tell him you are confused about what happened and don't understand why when you said stop he didn't You tell him how upset you are and that when you say NO you mean NO Ask him if it is feasable to go into coucilling with you
    You really need to know where all this pain is coming from and why. Take care
  14. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    yes, do what violet says. from your description he already knows something is wrong, so it's not going to come as a shock to him. just be patient, explain that it felt wrong. i know it's very hard, but its very important. good luck!
  15. Murkury

    Murkury Member

    The 'point of no return' is an instinctual biological mechanism. Humans are programed to reproduce, men especially so. A man can stop but it requires overriding this basic instinct which can be extremely difficult.

    I guess it would be comparable to putting a plate of food in front of a starving person, letting them take 1 bite and then telling them they can't have anymore.

    You said your boyfriend feels very bad about the situation. (from a guys point of view): he is ashamed that he could not override his instinct when he was needed too, especially for the person he cares about.

    'Rape' is a very broad terminology: forcing someone to do something against their will.
    While rape is the word to describe what happened, it doesn't seem appropriate to put your boyfriend in the same category as a serial rapist.
    Unfortunately I don't think there is specific word to describe the situation in detail.

    I do not mean to take any sides or place blame or anything like that. I said the above to hopefully give you some insight so that you can sort out your feelings and get through this.
    I hope this helps.

    Edit: not sure if this helps, but if a guy is aware that he might have to stop part way through, its probably easier for him to mentally prepare so that he will be able to stop himself.
  16. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    I would never do that, unless it was true. You don't seem to realize that I never accused him of anything. I came here to ask because I was unsure, not to blame and accuse him of something I'm still not sure if he even did, knowingly or otherwise.

    I'm starting to feel a little targeted in this thread, like everyone's jumping to conclusions about what I think or will say, like I keep having to defend myself against people assuming I think he's a sicko, a terrible person, whatever just because he did this. I don't think that, if I did it wouldn't be because of this.

    As for that, I assume he knew. He said earlier that week that he wanted to help fix whatever was wrong, and he would do his best to make me trust him again. We had tried and stopped half-way through once earlier in the week, I guess he may have not known that this time would be the same way, but I assume he knew because of all the drama surrounding it. Honestly, I didn't even intend to have sex that time--I just shouldn't have even started. Well what's done is done.
  17. Bad Wolf

    Bad Wolf Member

    LABEL IN CASE OF OTHER BLOODY IDIOTS: I DID NOT, HAVE NOT, WILL NOT ACCUSE MY BOYFRIEND OF ANYTHING, I disapprove of his behavior but I don't think he's a rapist, I'm not a fucking idiot, I'm HURT and STRESSED, so fuck off if you're going to accuse me of something I have stated repeatedly throughout this thread I wouldn't do. I'm not in a fucking theater yelling "RAPE", for Christ's sake--I dropped the word, sure, BUT WITH A QUESTION MARK AFTER IT, and certainly not in an accusatory manner. Read or fuck off. Thank you.
  18. Jseer

    Jseer Active Member

    I ask you this:
    Did/do you talk to this BF about your 'dry' problem?
    This is where i suspect a 'no'
    The answer is the key root to my harshness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2009
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