[SEXUAL TRIGGER]I Need to Get This Off My Shoulders NOW

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Anonymoose, Apr 1, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    I am almost 17 years old. I am a guy. I took a test to get out of highschool early, and go to a local community college.

    My parents are seperated (they were never married), and up until about 6 months ago, I would spend equal time with both of them. My dad and I had an argument, and I haven't spoken to him for nearly 6 months.

    My dad, in my view, has always been extremely perverted in little ways. He used to scratch his balls and fiddle around openly while he was watching TV and such. I got him to rent a porno for my friends and I a couple of times when I was 14 or 15 (I found a mag or vid of his when I was 11 or 12). ...etc...

    My mom became a foster parent when I was 7 years old. I was an only child before that.

    When I was 12 or 13, my mom got a foster kid. She was about 4 years old. I touched her inappropriately. I think it was partly out of curiosity, and partly a perversion inhereited from my father.

    I've felt horrible every time I think about it ever since. I have never told anyone, not even on the net. Yes, I have a therapist, because I've been depressed, but that is mostly unrelated.

    ...Help?
     
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I think this is something you should definitely go into detail with your therapist and as this is of a sensitive nature I would ask you not to go into further detail. But it doesn't neccessarily make you a monster off the bat. I would definiteoly talk to your therapist about it, there seems to be not only an (isolated?) unhwealthy curiosity but also you worry that you are turning into your father, which points to deeper feelings and thoughts that you may not be aware of.
     
  3. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    Please? I can't talk to my therapist now, I wouldn't be able to handle it. If you have to delete the thread, I understand, but I wish I could talk to people here about it.
     
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    You can email me at robin@suicideforum.com .. I'll be happy to go into detail with you there, but the post would be too triggering to talk about publicly.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2007
  5. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    Nevermind
     
  6. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hi Anonymoose

    Are you still online.?Let us knnow...........please accept Robin's offer.He is a kindhearted good person and after all you do seem to have found it helpful taklking to him so far.Do you not feel able to use email or take up Robin's offer?OWhat is stopping you?Believe me theseare not meant as vriticisms -they are genuine questions cos i hear the plea in your post and i want help you afind a way to deal with this situation which is both suitable and helpful ot you and also suitable as far as the site is concerned.

    Please take up Robin's offer or at least talk to he or i some more - i know you cant and shouldnt do this tin detail on the forum as Robin said [he is just trying to keep the forum safe for those of us who are sensitive and also help you - you may be desisappointed wiht the decision he made here but i think youll find Robin has a very hard job here,he has to make a balance and i for one whould not like to be in his poisiton] but that doesnt mean you cant find ways such as talking to Robin about this [or sharing about different issues not related to this on the open forum] or finding other ways to build on the bravbe step you made of supporting yourself and making this post here.

    i hope that makes sense and i also hope you will find some way through this.

    Regards
    kath
     
  7. Hazibell

    Hazibell Well-Known Member

    the only thing i can relate to you about is the fact that your dad and my 'dad' touches themselves wen watching tv and shit...i hate that...
    i doubt neone thinks badly of ya for that though
     
  8. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
    IF I believed in the Christian heaven, you would all be angels.

    I am slowly learning to forgive myself. At the same time, I don't want to forgive myselfy, don't think that it is right to. See, I want to realize how wrong it was, what I did. I want to know that it was something that I absolutely should never consider, EVER.

    I am trying to forgive myself at the same time that I acknowledge the evil in what I did. Since I CANNOT change the past, I can only forgive myself and know that I will NOT become my father.

    We are all people here, with feelings. Forgive me if you don't believe that I deserve the title of "human", but I am trying.

    Robin: Thank you for your offer. I may email you some time, with more detail than just my resulting emotions. Initially, I was just scared to talk about what I did.

    Everyone else: I am sorry if I upset or offended you. Please forgive me for that too.
     
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Well hun,
    I wish you well. I know it must be hard knowing what you did and scared what you might become. I can't really into this in detail with you because of things that happend to me too triggering. but good luck hun.


    :hug:
     
  10. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    Guess what... When I thought that I did this unfortunate thing, it was a time at which I was psychotic, and I realized later, once my brain was working right, that it WASN'T something I did, but rather something that was done to ME! After all, I was on the psych ward at the time.

    When I finally realized that the circumstances under which this thing would have happened were impossible, I was SO SO SO OVERJOYED BY THE WEIGHT LIFTED FROM MY CONSCIENCE. THANK GOD!
     
  11. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend

    Hmmm

    The things you describe are fairly common, a part of growing up, it doesn't make it right, but it happens.

    What you are talking about, doesn't sound a million miles away from my childhood and I am guessing a fair chunk of other peoples childhoods too, kids and puberty are an odd mix, sometimes thing happen or you do things you regret deeply later in life, when you are older and know the difference between right and wrong.

    I don't think you are a monster or a pervert, just normal guy with a normal childhood, not perfect or ideal, but then no ones really is, espicialy when there is more than one kid in the house.

    You really should talk this over with a counsilor, it helps and help is there for you if you need it, if this really is an issue for you, that you need to work out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2007
  12. justsomeguy

    justsomeguy Active Member

    Hmmm...I don't want to be an ass, but, you were in a pysch ward and molested when you were 4 years old?

    Also, accusing your dad of being a pervert just because he scratches his balls and rented you and your friends a porno when you were 15 doesn't seem quite right to me. I mean, most grown men look at porn, so don't be surprised if you find a porno mag...your dad is human. I don't have kids and I probably wouldn't rent porn for them if I did, but I can see how some fathers might do so when their kids hit a certain age and are curious about sex.
     
  13. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Guest

    No, no, no. I was 16 when I was in the psych ward, and that was when I first had this "memory" of having done something around the age of 12 which never really happened. My dad touching ME was only a few years prior to my time in the psych ward. Since I'd recently reported that to CPS, it was a big topic in my mind, so things got really jumbled. It was also a time when I thought I was Jesus, so obviously my thoughts were nonsense. I know this for sure because I remember now that I was curious about this girl but never did anything and never would nor will.

    As for my Dad, well, that's another story.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.