SH way of life, methods, numbness (possibly triggering)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by 4:48psychosis, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. 4:48psychosis

    4:48psychosis Member

    Hi

    I've been a member on this site for a while but read rather than post as half the time when I think about posting I think 'fuck it, what's the point', then leave the forum and stare at the walls for hours or hurt myself or plan another suicide attempt.

    I thought i'd finally write a post.

    About me - i'm 30 and have been self-harming since I was 13 and first intended it when I was 7, but my parents stopped me.

    I started at school - I was pretty down one day, and had a magnifying glass, so at lunchtime I was out on the grass by myself and decided to focus the beam and burn a hole in my hand.

    This was intensely painful but came with all the usual benefits i.e the sense of actually feeling something etc

    Since then i've inflicted pain on myself in the most painful ways as it makes me feel - walking out in front of cars, intentionally falling from heights, falling backwards to smash my head off the ground, insulting those much stronger than me etc etc

    I also enjoy the simple pleasures of self-harm i.e cutting my arms up, the gentle 'cold' feeling of a wool jumper against the skin the following day, and the knowledge that others don't know i'm cut.

    I've had various suicide attempts and have been hospitalised a number of times, to no help.

    For me getting older hasn't made anything any easier. My coping skills aren't any better - I now simply know more effective ways of inflicting injury on myself, and the varying levels of pain associated with each method.

    I'm also aware that my life journey is basically a slow plod towards death and this middle section i.e life is nothing more than a nuisance along the path. It's a pointless bag of horse shit as ultimately nothing matters - even if we create something to be remembered by - will it be remembered in 10 generations time? What about 1,000,000 years time? When we end we end so what's the point of trying to leave something behind as it only, at best, makes a difference short-term.

    Anyway I just thought i'd say a little about myself and my own experiences.

    I can only speak from my own experiences, and they are that everything simply gets more difficult, and the older you get the less people care as the less people feel responsible for you, so isolation as well as depression and mutilation set in, exacerbating the problem. I don't see the point of trying to improve my situation as I know it's a temporary situation.

    It's said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - I disagree - the temporary problem is life.

    PS my forum name is a reference to a Sarah Kane play (some people have sent me private messages asking me what it means)

    Apologies for a pointless rant

    Part of the small comfort I have in life is knowing my emotional state isn't unique and that others can relate. Despite not posting, this forum has on occasion been the only thing that has stopped me from ending, and for that i'm thankful to those who post here and to those who fund the site.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi nice to that you finally posted letting us know how you are doing not doing. Sh has become a way of life for you it does not have to be that way I do know how hard it is to stop
    and to use the other coping skills you were given Life can be about other things but in depression that is not possibe I find newer meds can help take away that darkness some I wish you would try hun you are so deep in YOu need the support hun you do need help i do hope you reach out and get that support you deserve hugs
     
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