Shadow of myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelN, Mar 10, 2010.

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  1. AngelN

    AngelN New Member

    I hate to start off by saying woes me, I guess I can just retort into explaining why I am the way I am.
    When I was a child, no matter how ugly my life was at that apparent moment, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, there were no questions of right and wrong to my actions, as a child, I saw the rose and not it's painful thorns, we saw the world comforting and believed there was a band-aid for everything and so many possibilities could have been achieved. Life was beautiful. We took time to basically smell the roses and enjoyed the company of our friends, the worst that ever happened between friends was someone took a toy away.
    I'm much older now , 30 to be exact, and this world, this place that was once so magical, is now descended, bleak, almost hopeless to achieve the dreasm we once had, to be a Dr., a firefighter ( we can do anything, we are told to believe) but nobody had ever told us it costs money, and more of it now then ever to get a great education. Living prices are high, and the value of a dollar is now at one of it's lowest. Maybe I was oblivious as a child of the dangers of the world, and i'm unsure if my age has anything to do with how I see this world now. I never heard such things as child rape, children being kidnapped for sole purposes of getting hurt and this degree of poverty.This place we live in is turning ugly. I see dirt, filth,preversion, people digging in trash cans to fine something to warnish off of all to keep food on their children's plates, hopeless mirrored eyes looking back through the lens, I do photography. I mainly do street shots, just to show the hardships of living and expose how life really is, to sheltered, over satisfied, over saturated people, driving their Lexus SUVs while talking on their 400 dollar cell phones, speaking about how hard they have it, while their Starbucks coffee becomes luke warm and the song Hannah Montana just ended.
    I see things differently then most people, perhaps a martyr and my camera is my witness,, but it doesn't show the battle that swims deep in my bowels, it doesn't capture the constant clawing of my spirit to stretch free from this cacoon. I hide it pretty well saved the scars on my arms and wrists, i never believed that this was suppose to be my life, robbed and slandered, and now I am on three medications to keep me from longing that blade across my throbbing veins, blood, velvet blue wishing to drip on the floor into crimson vitae. I wear my despair like a badge of honor clipped nicely to the breast of my shirt, and people view it, " my dear what beautiful artist you are....keep up the wonderful work" Can't anyone see me?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They can't see the real you as you hide it so well. They can't see the despair and pain because they choose not to see it maybe so they don't have to deal with it. They have their own suffering and pain and are oblivious to others You can capture the pictures all around you can you capture the souls the suffering can you see If youcan then display it who you are with you art in pictures makeit more visible for people to see and understand this killer called depression
  3. AngelN

    AngelN New Member

    ' just now even as I sit in my danky chair fiddling with a burnt piece of toast watching the room and trying to involve myself, a little( even though i am openly opinionated,I hoped to find like minded people. It has always been difficult to be able to find someone i can relate to, that is on the same level as myself, to view the same things I view,.'
  4. AngelN

    AngelN New Member

    Depression,...what is that? Depression.
    I believe my depression is this, people are so unsatisfied with themselves, and unsatisfied with their conditions, they never take look a round them and really see what the world really is about. Never conent.
    My depression, I hate saying that because I hate labels ' i feel like a can of tuna" - Dolphin safe- is because of what I see, and how I view the world we live in, we live in an era that has the mind set of " what can you do for me.woes me..instead of what can I do for you.....What can you give me, instead of, what can I give you.
    I watch women, at nail salons, getting their manicures talking about how hard they have it, yet, at the same shopping center, I see a woman with two children asking for food, warrant..not money but food.
    It pains me, and rips away my heart, and in fact im in tears now thinking about that, and while that woman gabbers on about how her life sucks, i'm offering the woman and her kids what little I have from my own wrangled wallet. Where is the humanity? I see alot of horrible things, and it's very hard for me to relate to someone who takes medication, because their PPO plan, covers it, because they are selfishly sad, and yet those who really need the medical consideration goes without, as they mange through the streets to find their next place to sleep, safely.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Do you know, I can relate a lot to that last post. Yes, people are selfish. So bloody selfish.

    But not ALL people. There are good people around.

    I do a lot of work with animal rescue and my heart breaks over and over whenever I hear anything bad done to animals, so much so that its a physical hurt inside. But there are good people, people making the changes necessary, people working tirelessly to help those animals who have been abused, neglected, abandoned, people who do care, people who give up their lives, homes, money, to help.

    Have you looked into that side? The positive side, with good people, who DO make a difference? Have you ever done anything like volunteering?
  6. AngelN

    AngelN New Member

    It's very respectful, in what you are doing, and I offer you props to you, and it is sad that the effects of inhumane nature that we prevail in, can ultimately destroy innocent animals that have been here longer . This is NOT our world and yet we take advantage of the resources given. We take advantage of our warmed beds and the food on our plates,while people in other countries climb piles and piles of other people's trash to find something to eat, amongst live stock.
    There are good people out there, but it's almost too far and beyond in finding them , in America were most people who do good things, wish to be patted on the back and given a cookie or a badge of honor, when it should just be natural to do good for someone else and help each other out of the humbleness of our hearts, we are a lost breed. Your charity to open up other people's eyes are different from my charity but in a sense we to do the same. I'm a humanitarian for the hopeless , I go out through the streets of the roughest places, and skid rows. I capture the essence and trails of life through a lens to bring more awareness to those who believe their lives are bad and so horrible enough to weep and mellow into wanting to kill themselves, but at the same time...I suffer..because I know I can't open everyone's eyes up to see that their cell phones and i pods are meaningless, materials, and that this depresses me, if this make sense at all...I guess it's the police man symptom ( they do what they can on the beat to prevent kids from going and gang warfare, drugs, yet after so long, ...they become depressed, - not saying all-...., all I can do is show the world what I see and what they should be thankful , instead of telling the world they want to kill themselves because their bf left them, or daddy and mommy didn't buy them the color car they wanted, or mommy dearest had to trade her 50,000 Mustang in for something more in their price range.But at the same moment, I sit here and ponder the disgraces of humanity and how " far" along we came ( can you hear the dripping sarcasm ?) Life is hard, but there is always someone out there who has it harder. I watch kids sitting in the middle of an wherehouse industry, barefooted in gutter water, as they sat on the curb , thin, without yards to play in, not an inch of green,just these shacky houses tucked away between these monster werehouses, sounds of machines working in the background to mill away stone, cement, the same cement we walk our feet upon, dogs fighting each other over a piece of roadkill . And it's very hard for me to sympathize with someone when I hear how bad they have it, and crying because they are going to lose their car, that was way out of their finances to begin with, hard for me to relate to someone when they cry about how their bf's cheated on them, or their husbands are not getting along with their wives.

    When you do in the line of something I do for so long , wether it be firefighter, paramedic,peace officer, even street photography, when you have been down in the dirt for too long ( it does take a toll).
    As far as working with good people, I sat in my car while picking up my kids from school asking myself the same , and my answer is this after careful consideration.
    " to see a garden form, you have to get your hands dirty and be realistic' how can the world see what it is like, if we are not the ones to show them?
    ....and then, I feel guilty, because at the end of the day,...i'm no better than anyone else, I get to leave that world behind, close the door, and tuck my kids into bed, warm, fed, ..
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2010
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