Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Twitch, Mar 10, 2008.

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  1. Twitch

    Twitch Member

    Responsibility knocks at the door,
    But I can't bring myself to get off the floor.
    I can't start to stop this endless race,
    nor can I learn to accept that this is my fate.

    Can you tell me why I'm so down?
    Could you help me to tear these walls down?

    These shadows speak to me tell me to die.
    I'm beginning to think that they are right.

    There's no one here to talk about the other side,
    whether it's about the grass or this life.

    I'm turning green from all this envy.
    All that I want is what other's have.

    Jealousy will tear us all apart.
    You'll hear no excuses from me.
    I have given up on my heart.
    No cares about what I'm to be.

    No tears roll down. This shame is mine alone.
    I'm well aware that there's no way to atone.

    Can you tell me why I'm so down?
    Could you help me to tear these walls down?
  2. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

  3. Pentacle

    Pentacle Well-Known Member

    Is this what you wanted constructive criticism on?

    Well, if I use my true opinion, I will tell you that this poem is wonderful. The imagery, and the emotion. It is stunning. It is simple enough to help encapsulate a feeling, but it is deep enough to hide a secret.
    With poetry, there *is no criticism. You can't criticise anothers work.
    You can disagree with it, but there is a beauty in writing where the writer doesn't have to listen to their critics.
    Writing comes from the heart, from a moment of desperation, from a lifetime of hard work; where ever it comes from, whoever writes it is not wrong.

    Keep up the good work, hun. I hope you got what you want from my reply.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2008
  4. Swollen

    Swollen Active Member

    I really like this poem a lot.

    It says so much.

    :hug: That's good work.
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