I'm really struggling with how constant this is. I'm still struggling with the fact that I want to do this. I pray to God, I want to feel God's presence, but I don't feel it. It's my fault. Last night I tore off my saint medallion and threw it across the room because I don't understand what I've done. I feel so guilty, I'm not living the life God want's me to live, I'm disgusting and sick, I don't try hard enough and I expect God to speak to me. I'm seeing my family more, but something is still wrong, something is not right, something has changed but I don't know what. I don't want to be here. Every time I leave the house it's like stepping into a dream. I'm wondering if it would all still exist if I left it or if everyone and everything would just disappear. The people, the place, even here. None of it feels real. Maybe I'm not real, because thats what the problem is, me, that I shouldn't be here, that I'm not a part of the world, and I can't even talk to people, I can't even be a person, I'm so useless, a waste of a person, 15 years a waste of a person, half my life a waste of a person, now even more a waste of a person, a waste, a waste, a waste, a waste. I wish my family hated me. I wish they hated me. I wish everyone hated me and would be happy to see me go, I just want to go. I've been upset by these thoughts for a month, it's too much. I hate myself so much. I hate myself so much, I really hate myself, I can't express how much I hate myself, thats a huge part of this, I hate myself, I really want to hurt myself. I really want to do it. It's been a month now where everyday I wake up wanting to kill myself, spend the whole day wanting to kill myself, go to sleep wanting to kill myself. I thought hideous things this morning at work, a thing I didn't think I could bring myself to do. Like I could do it right now the way I feel. I feel exhausted and full of adrenalin at the same time. I could stand up and do it now. I'm stuck, I am so frustrated, so frustrated. I feel so tense. I want to hurt myself badly, i want to injure myself, thinking about it so so much. I am seeing a psych next week, and I hope they can help me, I really really need help.