Shame, Guilt, Hate...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by eagle415t, Feb 17, 2013.

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  1. eagle415t

    eagle415t New Member

    I feel so much shame. I hate myself. I have some pretty extreme issues from the past that I have never dealt with. Now I have 3 children -- my oldest 2 have challenges and I am not providing the structure and organization they need to be successful. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time - like such a failure. Then, as I have been reading and trying to find a path to deal with my history and all of its pain, I have come to realize that I am harming my children - not overtly, but not having dealt with my past has created, or allowed, negative family patterns to develop. Those patterns are now making it nearly impossible for me to directly address the boys' mental health challenges. My being here is making things worse -- it is my relationship with my mom that causes problems...it is my inability to deal with my past...it is my choices, or fear and avoidance of making choices... If I weren't here, my brother - who has established a healthier relationship with my mom - would take the kids. He has a stable relationship and household so would provide the environment my boys need... My chaos would be out of their space, and it would end a lot of the negative family patterns. I can't see a way to improve things with me being around. I love my children, but I think they would be better off without me. I just don't see the gain from facing my past and all the pain it causes -- there is nothing in my life but my kids...once they get out of school, it is just me and I hate me. What's the point?
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Eagle, I am sorry things have been so hard for you and your children. I think its very sane of you to realize that things are not okay. I can tell by what you wrote that you love your chidlren very much,

    I am going to tell you a story. I met a woman who had a young son. At the time her son was living with her brother. Because her mom and brother knew she was not emotionally well enough to care for her son. When I met her she was at the very beginning stages of getting her life back together. And when I say beginning stages, I mean there was a desire. But not yet any action. Fast foward 4 years. She now has her life together enough to be in her sons life again. And it is a very good thing she did not die. Because i honestly do not know what her son would do without her. No son or daughter should ever live their life knowing their mom killed herself.

    Do you think you could find counselling for your children and yourself? Work hard to get better? In doing this, you give them a gift greater than any other. If you absolutly feel your children need to be someplace else then perhaps your brother would be willing to let the children live with him for a while. But the first step is to get into counselling and work very hard to heal. No kid should ever have to lose their mom at a young age, even if it is not so suicide. Please stay alive for your children. But work hard on the issues that burdeon you so much. And by all means arrange for them to get into therapy. You all deserve healing. You deserve healing. As do your children. Please stay safe. Healing is possible for your children. Especially if they do not have to heal from losing a mom.
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Eagle - I am sorry that you are filled with so much negativity and self loathing. I am sure it is true that your children need structure and stability, but you cannot provide that by removing yourself from their lives. I do not know where in the world you are, but in the US and the UK I know there are abundant social services who can help you and your children - support you and them and find the stability that is lacking at the moment.

    Please do get some medical help - counselling and medication to stabilise yourself and learn strategies to but your own chaos in order. If your problematic relationship with your mother is current, then perhaps it is time to consider leaving that relationship behind, if it is in the past, then therapy can help you deal with it - but making the choice to move forward and not let it affect you anymore is the best thing you can do for your children - not leaving them.

    Keep posting here for support, but please do seek real life support also, from medical professionals and social services. There are people who will help you, and much as your self loathing may make you feel like you do not deserve it, I am sure you agree that your children deserve a parent who will fight to improve the situation you all find yourselves in.

    Please take care :hug:
     
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Please do keep posting Eagle.... There are ways to find healing for your past issues, although you may not think so at the moment. I was in a similar position to you 17 years ago, and believed that suicide was the only way out for me - I am so unbelievably grateful that my attempt failed and that **stuff** has made it possible to start over, find the missing pieces of the jig-saw (metaphorically), and be here for my children and grandkids.

    Always willing to share about the **stuff** btw! :) Thanks for finding this forum and for reaching out - you will find people here to be the kindest on earth, that's for sure :)
     
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