I feel so much shame. I hate myself. I have some pretty extreme issues from the past that I have never dealt with. Now I have 3 children -- my oldest 2 have challenges and I am not providing the structure and organization they need to be successful. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time - like such a failure. Then, as I have been reading and trying to find a path to deal with my history and all of its pain, I have come to realize that I am harming my children - not overtly, but not having dealt with my past has created, or allowed, negative family patterns to develop. Those patterns are now making it nearly impossible for me to directly address the boys' mental health challenges. My being here is making things worse -- it is my relationship with my mom that causes problems...it is my inability to deal with my past...it is my choices, or fear and avoidance of making choices... If I weren't here, my brother - who has established a healthier relationship with my mom - would take the kids. He has a stable relationship and household so would provide the environment my boys need... My chaos would be out of their space, and it would end a lot of the negative family patterns. I can't see a way to improve things with me being around. I love my children, but I think they would be better off without me. I just don't see the gain from facing my past and all the pain it causes -- there is nothing in my life but my kids...once they get out of school, it is just me and I hate me. What's the point?