I recently had a breakthrough in understanding myself. The word that escaped my mouth was shame. It is a word I would never have thought I felt. But there it was, and there was no unsaying it. I was ashamed of my behavior that once again had me withdrawing from everyone. Hurting those who might have been a friend if given the chance. My fears remain and I am mostly powerless against them as I hastily build my walls up. I got much further than I ever have this time. I felt that this was it for a brief moment, being normal, trusting, caring, open...yet still I have fallen short and have returned to my old pattern of isolation. I am tired. I am tired of being ashamed. Writing this will hopefully calm my emotional uncertainty.