Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Striking, Feb 8, 2016.

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  1. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I recently had a breakthrough in understanding myself. The word that escaped my mouth was shame. It is a word I would never have thought I felt. But there it was, and there was no unsaying it.

    I was ashamed of my behavior that once again had me withdrawing from everyone. Hurting those who might have been a friend if given the chance. My fears remain and I am mostly powerless against them as I hastily build my walls up.

    I got much further than I ever have this time. I felt that this was it for a brief moment, being normal, trusting, caring, open...yet still I have fallen short and have returned to my old pattern of isolation.

    I am tired. I am tired of being ashamed. Writing this will hopefully calm my emotional uncertainty.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    The problem with patterns is how hard they are to break free from. It really sucks to know that you hurt people, but falling into a shame spiral just makes things worse. It is not shameful to be fighting a battle you sometimes lose for a little while.

    You said yourself that this time you got further than you ever have - that you got to 'normal' and trusting and caring - you know it is there and you know you can get to it. It's hard and it's exhausting but it is possible. Make sure you are getting all the professional help you can - you don't have to do this alone.

    Take care and keep talking to us.
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  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The often repeated axiom is before you can fix a problem, you have to know what the problem is. Perhaps this is the break through you have been waiting for so you can identify a cause of an action or reaction then either learn to adjust behaviors when confronted with the situation, or learn to avoid the triggers that cause it. Most likely in the end will be a little of both- and both are healthy simple things to look strive for. Harder to successfully address, but easier to look for and and start to make progress from.
    Striking likes this.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I have gotten further and yet from a small ripple of mistrust I created a tsunami that has left devastation. Overdramatic...sadly not in my opinion.

    I fear letting go of my hurt because I may not be able to control myself after saying I am sorry. That I am ashamed of my behavior that has hurt others.

    Tomorrow I will go to open hours of a therapist that I trust. I hope that she will allow me to reopen my status within her program.

    I am currently seeing someone through my insurance but our sessions are monthly and that isn't enough. I told her this when we started. It's not working though I have tried.
  5. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Yes and that breakthrough is something that will help me. Maybe even allow me to tear it all down. I recognize that I need more therapeutic support. I tried to go along with my therapists limited availability but it is not enough.
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