Shamefull Confession**Trigger**

I want to get something shameful off my chest; I think there's something VERY wrong with me. I'm so worried about others are going to think when they read this.

When I was a little girl I used to have thoughts about being violated. I used to think about them in bed at night.
Even when I grew to be a teenager I still had fantasies of rape. I'd walk down the street and wish someone would rape me. How sick. It's so horrible to admitt this.

Now I'm married to a wonderful man. Been married to him for about 12 years. Still I find the idea of being dominated exciting..but I feel guilty and ashamed. I've spoken to hubby about it (He and I are very open with each other) and we've tried to figure out what's going on with me but neither of have any ideas.

I was molested my a female cousin when I was probably about 8.
Then I was raped when I was 19 by an ex teacher.

I really need to talk to someone about this. It's embarassing, bewildering and I just don't understand it. Can someone help?

 

Hey Me33,

It sounds like it took a lot of courage to post that. Good for you for sharing what was on your mind. Nobody is here to judge you. Often there are things that we think and feel that are beyond our control and you don't need to feel ashamed of your emotions.

What do you think causes you to have those desires to be raped?

Rape and abuse are all about control and about someone exerting power over someone else. Is it possible that it has something with you feeling powerless and lacking in control of your life? I don't know exactly how that would come into play but maybe you want someone to just physically exert power and force because you already feel like you have no power...

What are your thoughts on this?

Regardless, I think it's fantastic that you are taking the time to think critically about this and not just ignoring it. It's a painful topic for sure but you are being true to yourself. I am sorry to hear that you were abused twice in the past. That's not your fault and it's never ok. I hope that you stay strong. Tell us a bit more about what your thoughts are on the reasons that you do feel the way you do. Talking can help!

 

:hug::hug::hug:

i think you are very brave to talk about such a thing and to actually confront a problem head on.

it makes me wonder really if it can be called rape, surely if you wanted to be sexually attacted it kinda reduces the meaning doesnt it. though im sure you didnt want anything to happen with your ex teacher.

erm maybe it is just about power and sexually you have wanted to be dominated by a man, and to feel powerless. maybe experimenting sexually with your husband may help? i dont really know, but im here if you want to talk more

 

I think your very brave to post something like that. I agree that maybe you want to be dominated by a man. Either experimenting with your husband may help. If you not, try talking to a councellor. Sorry for not being much help.

Hope it all works out for ya.

Vikki

 

Thankyou for your replies and encouragement:smile:

No I certainly did not want to be raped by my ex teacher. It was right after an abortion and I was already in shock from that so being being raped was beyond traumatic. I also did not want to be molested by my cousin. It was horrible.

Hubby and I have experimented a bit. But he's such a kind and laid back guy that dominating is not exactly his thing.

I just wish I understood it more. I mean...aren't kids suppost to be sexless beings? That's why it's a crime to molest a child. Then why on earth was I sexualized so early. I can't remember if my cousin molested me before the fantasies or if the fantisies came first. Was my early sexuality to blame for me being molested or what?...you know what came first, chicken or egg? if you know what I mean.

 

Children are not sexless, but they are innocent (babies often masturbate).

When you are exposed to adult sex at too young an age, the sexual part of your nature will be excited by it (however young you are), but the child mind cannot marry the excitement and the disgust/guilt/fear together, infact the small part of them that is excited by the sexual act fills them with self loathing and huge guilt problems. It also sets a pattern of 'victim' in the person this has happened to, as if it's no more than they deserve.

The child is always innocent, this adult knowledge confuses and frightens them and shaking off that fear, even in adulthood is an uphill struggle for people who were abused as kids.

 

Okay, that makes sense to me and puts it into perspective.

Thanks:smile:

 

i didnt want to make it sound like you wanted any of this to happen to you, and i can truely say that it is terrible what you have been through.

i cant really say anything to help you, but maybe the experimentation with your husband could be your doing. im not saying her has to be physically violent towards you but some sort of restraint could be done. i dont know, but its good that he is so understanding so if it brings back memories etc you can trust him to stop. ugh im sure this isnt helping you, but i want you to know we are here for you.

:hug::hug::hug:

 

In dominant/submissive type sex, despite apprearances, it's actually the submissive person who has the control and is in charge. So maybe subconciously you want to kinda take back the control that was lost from the thing with your cousin and then your teacher... It's actually very very common for rape surviours to explore forced sex senarios safely with their partners (or whoever). I've got several friends who're into s and m etc and nearly all the submissive ones are rape surviours (and some of the dominant ones too).

Hope that helps, sorry for my bad spelling!

Mal (sex guru baby, yeah! :laugh: )

 

Wienerman: It's okay sweetie I wasn't offended or anything. Sorry to give that impression.

Malcontent: That's really interesting. Thanks. It really makes sense. The more people reply to this the more pieces of the jigsaw seem to fall into place.

Thanks everyone.

 

LOL MAL ..sex guru eh!!!! Ok now explain that tantric sex thingummy :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

wow...I really don't know what to say...so, do fantasise over being raped or dominated over. Because you CAN be dominated over with out being raped. I think it is very strange...but I know somone else that is the same way...so yeah...you aren't alone.

 

its ok i also find the idea of being raped exciting...im 14...i think theres somthing wrong with me...

 

I have fantasies of being raped too and I'm a 24 years old male(bisexual). I guess not something, a lot of things are wrong with me :huh:
Some people may think that if you have fantasies of being raped, being actually raped will affect you less. That's not true because when you fantasize about being raped, everything is just the way you want. However in real rape most of the things are wrong. The other person may seem disgusting just to name one. I wasn't raped but that's just a guess.

 

2Lost4Words and Asmoday, thanks for sharing.

Yes Asmoday you're right. I was eventually raped and it was awful. It's correct to say that a real rape is very very different than a fantasized one. Maybe the fantasy is more about domination that rape.

I have to say that I'm amazed that I got so may posts in answer to this thread. I honestly thought I was the only one struggling with these feelings. I hope this thread is a comfort to others who maybe felt that they were the only ones too:smile:

 

hey everyone for the most part has given very good advise.... i am impressed and just to echo what has been said before.. many if not most ppl think of all kinds of sexual situations.. it is only unhealthy when the desire is to harm others or to actually have sex with a child...

if anyone is having thoughts along those lines pleas get help.
.. beyond that have fun... hugs and thanks for the topic.. good thread...

 

Very good point allof me:smile: