Sharin my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stuff, Sep 28, 2012.

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  1. Stuff

    Stuff New Member

    Saw this site, looks worth a vent if anything.

    26, guy, married with 2 kids 3 years and a 3 month old.

    Started to get chronic daily headaches last year around this time, couldn't find an answer for it. October of last year I lost my mom(best friend), which really started to dig into me around. November I started drinking again after stopping for a long time. It helped for a minute, but then I got too emotional, mad and would punch myself in the face until I blacked or bloodied something, so I had to stop that, because coming home like that would freak out my daughter a bit. I would feel really good for a week after punching myself, but would get real down again and drink again. Around January, had a fight with the wife, fell off a curb skateboarding drunk and really jacked up my back. Headaches got worse from then on, exhausted on tylenal and ibuprophen, started giving me bad stomach pain and bleeding. Lost my appetite big time from that, lost 25lbs in 3 months. From 175lbs to 150lbs.

    Starting in February the headaches were still there, but my neck started to hurt really bad. There were a few weeks I could not sleep more than 2-3 hours a night, which started to mess with me a bit too. If not 2-3 hours, I would end up staying up all night and then finally sleeping 4-5 hours after a day or two, due to my neck and head hurting so bad.

    Ended up drinking again really hard in March due to some random panic attacks, admitted to the hospital because I told a friend of mine that I didn't know what to do anymore and that I wanted to die. I was feeling like dying because I couldn't stop my head from hurting, which I believe was triggering the panic attacks and was attempting to self medicate by drinking, which just made it worse. I suffered the first panic attack that lasted almost 24 hours, freaked my wife out big time. I had no clue what was wrong with me at the time, so I started drinking hard to make it stop. Again, it just made me very emotionally, which is when I ended up in the E.R. because of it. Something around a .250 blood alcohol level that night. Was transferred to a mental health facility a few hours away for a week.

    Initially, it seemed like just what I needed. I was an anxious wreck, couldn't speak without crying, my heart was constantly pounding and I just missed my kid so bad. They admitted me there under the assumption that I was an alcoholic or for substance abuse, which put my anxiety problems that were destroying my life as a symptom of my alcohol use, which it really wasn't. I was later defined as having a mood disorder, bi-polar and in need of future substance use counseling. It was not until I was on Depakote and Celexa after discharg that I actually considered suicide. I stopped it really fast due to how bad I scared myself by wanting to die. I had a plan, and if it wasn't for the refusal to abandon my daughter while I was being selfish, I would have done it.

    Off the medications within a week I improved. Cognitive therapy techniques got me through all of the anxiety and panic attacks, not meds. However, the headaches continued and I started to experience horrible pain all over my neck and back starting at my neck. After being juggled by Doctors from April to August, I was finally diagnosed with severe cervical stenosis, which was probably causing the headaches I have had since last year and all of the pain I have been in. The doctors here still refuse to give me anything other than ibuprofen, which is probably due to my medical history I am sure, substance abuse and all that. None stop hurting for months, I am starting to lose it. I cannot even hold my new daughter without both of my arms going numb or hurting like someone is stabbing me.

    I go into a weird cycle of hurting and feeling hopeless for days, then out for a few days and repeat. I finished school fine, but no longer work because I cannot even lift a 12lb baby, how much more 50lb requirements. If I really am bi-polar, I suppose I made the most of a very up day for me and wrote a small little auto-biography so that my daughters can hopefully have some idea of who I was if there was ever a need to know. I honestly do not look too far into the future and the only thing that keeps me okay is waiting on the next day and hardly any further than that. Aside from the little who-I-was stack of pages I want to leave for my daughters, I also wrote a letter of apology that I sealed and have with me just in case I either just die or decide I have had enough.

    The letter is really nothing more than a quick I love you letter to my wife, kids and father. The day I wrote it, I had sort of already made up my mind that if I simply cannot handle myself anymore, that I will just put an end to it. I told my wife that I have already thought about it and that just the fact that I have a way out and not feel anything anymore is almost comforting in a way. I used to hate people who considered suicide, but that was before I had something in my life that weighed just enough to make me consider it too. I really do feel bad for anyone out there that has to go through something that they simply cannot handle for whatever reason.

    much love, -cody
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your letter will bring no comfort to your children to you wife your letter will not make up for the years of pain they will have to live through and endure. You get yourself to a specialist that treats pain you get yourself to a neurologist you do what you have to do but you don't leave your children and think a letter will help them to understand IT WON'T
    SORRY to sound so cruel i live in chronic pain every day of my life i know pain but passing a life time of pain on is just not right hate me for saying this but there is help for you don't give up on that you need to advocate more for yourself and get treatment for you
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