This might sound confusing for anyone other than myself, but it's not my main objective to make myself understood. This is simply a collective of thoughts, an attempt to organize the flowing of ideas and rationalize what I feel about this world. It is a very personal account and I am only sharing it with others. I don't expect criticism, advice or even replies, but I do thank you reader for your interest. This world seems to me a very cold, unfair and unruly place. A place where most came to learn the hard, painful way. First off, I do not believe in afterlife, multiple lives or even god. I do know that our consciousness seeps into the ambient and influences in a subtle manner, but it's not supernatural in any way. Its only a net of causes and consequences. I come from a fairly rich family in brazil, a very close-knit, united family, seemingly loving and far from problematic, so I have no apparent reason to feel like I feel regarding the reality I live, but I do. I am fated to inherit an empire of sorts, something composed of a chemical company, a few agrarian properties and other smaller things. I should be excited about the life I have ahead of me, but I am not. I'd rather die. I see the world for what it truly is: unfair. I have a lot, I live comfortably and I am very undeserving of it. I wish all I gained easily in my life could be handed to people that need it more than I do. I see that my lifestyle has consequences, that it does indeed cause suffering to others, be it in my own country, be it abroad. An example of the way I see it is that every cloth I wear, every electronic I own had to be manufactured by someone or even a group of people that barely makes a living, forced to work producing these things by the circumstances they were mostly born with, some had a better life in the past, some didn't, but that's the main point of it. For every facility I enjoy, for every luxury I have, for every effortless day I live, someone had to suffer for it. Or worse, a multitude of people had to suffer for it. I tire of this life, of knowing that mankind won't evolve, that in the last decades, it has only gotten worse. It sickens me to know that most people don't care or would even be unable to understand this concept. I don't feel deserving of living. I am currently trying to graduate on business administration, trying to finish my studies so I can finally work in the family's company, and yet I can't find the will or energy to do so. I do know that I could try and make a difference, that I could do a little good. But it pains me to know for a fact that it would do nearly nothing to change the status-quo. It pains me to know that I am one grain of sand among seven billion, one of the very few that sees that there is something sick and wrong with the world and that these few can't change it's reality. Humanity is a lost cause in my view. I want to end my life, but I can't. There is this one person, this one boy that keeps me going. I don't feel the need to the the best I can be, far from it. I am a wreck of a person that can't shrug off the idea of making that boy cry. I try to make him happy any way I can, his presence isn't enough to erase the negative thoughts in my head, but still it's enough to keep me breathing. I owe my life to him. I live for him, but still I don't want to continue living. Its a dichotomy. I hate life itself, but ending it would mean hurting this one wonderful person that I care for so deeply. I care for him just enough to keep me alive, but not enough to make this reality worth living. I am utterly tired, because I can't help but feel the pain of others, the pain I'll never have to live through because I was basically born lucky and that I only can imagine by placing myself on their shoes. And still sounds egoistical of me, because I can't truly fathom how hard it is until I am actually there. Which only confirms that life is ruthless and cruel with most and smiles only to a few. Life is truly unfair.