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Sharing why loving my parents hurts

#1
Hello, lovely community that I am completely new to - I hope I've found the right forum to share what I've got to share, so I can see if someone might have experienced something similar and could help me deal and handle. I am - by the way - incredibly sorry for linguistic mistakes, I'm no native English speaker.

So, here's the story. I am a student. My mother is a person who has had a lot of troubles in her life, basically all the time, and I can't tell whether she's ever been happy or not. Those troubles have been severe family issues but there's actually a lot adding to it. Recently, she was diagnosed with PTC, basically a pseudo-brain-tumor: Same symptoms, different reasons. Reasons you can't heal. Her illness is getting worse, and soon she will be starting some kind of therapy - as far as I've found out, none of those therapies except for a "prothesis" actually works for a life time. As if that's not enough, she's also diagnosed arthrosis on both knees, which you can't heal, either. Years ago she had a myoma removed along with some organs, which happened to be the point where doctors found a mysterious tumor in her stomach, but this tumor doesn't seem to be bad. Yet, at least. Right now Mum is getting her depression treated, too but I highly doubt she'll get rid of it since her life gets worse and worse, the physical and mental pain literally compete against each other. The problems, including the family ones, are not something you can get rid off, I don#t want to get into detail, sorry.

I'm trying to help her as much as I can, I'm trying to make her happy but sometimes I'm just a student. Sometimes I can't help but think about my crush, my friends, my grades, my future, my university, my major - all those things a student my age thinks about. Which means, I'm not doing everything I can to help my mother because I seem to not be mature enough. And it makes me feel bad and shitty. Is a student supposed to feel guilty for being a student? I don't think it works that way, but whatever.

Sometimes I think about how my Mum's entire life has been bad, bad, and more bad, and how it would be best if she died and the suffering just ended.

But I can't help but be selfish about that idea because I need her. I don't care how old I am, I don't care about needing to give her up one day to start my own family and whatnot - I need that woman.

While trying to help her, I realized how unacceptable my siblings treat the woman who made sacrifices for them. And it puts me into pressure even more because I feel like I'm carrying a lot of weight trying to make her know that she can at least trust me. That not all family members are trash, sorry for my use of words.

I don't even know what I'm telling right now. How to continue or where I just stopped telling.

So I'm just gonna say, I can't handle the pain my mother is feeling and I'm scared of losing her but I want her to stop suffer and - I just can't deal with all this. I do my best to not show her how anxious and upset I am. Sometimes I just tell her about some good grade I've got in an exam as if we didn't have more important worries.
And also, there's something I forgot about. My Dad. I love this man so much, too but I sometimes seem to forget about him and I feel like I'm not giving him enough attention which I'll regret one day. My father had suffered from a brain tumor which was successfully removed a decade ago! He still isn't completely healthy and his job - something very important for him - is endangered but he is one of the few people who survived cancer and I think that's something amazing I should be grateful for.

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? Seeing how people you love break apart and you can't do anything about it? If yes, or not, it would be great for me to hear about it.
I don't know if this is any relevant information, but mental illnesses are very common in my family (sadly), especially my father and mother are mentally VERY bruised. Which is another thingy making me so, so sad.

Thank you for letting me share this with you and for reading it especially! I haven't talked to anyone about it yet.
 

SillyOldBear

So very tired of everything.
Staff Alumni
#2
Bitterchocolate, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. It sounds like your parents are very lucky to have you. You are a very caring individual. One of the tragic things about life is that people really do become ill and suffer. And death often seems like it is the only way they will find relief. I recently lost a 93 year old friend. She had been ill for years. I mourned her loss, but am happy she is no longer suffering. I also watched my mom die of cancer many years ago. She was ready for death long before it came.

It is horrible that your siblings don't help at all and that so much of the burden is left to you. Where I live there are caregiver support groups. I don't know if you have any where you are. But you might look into it. You would be able to talk to people who are going through the same things you are. They would understand and probably be able to offer ideas to help.

Please do not feel guilty about being a student or that you are not helping enough. I am sure you are doing all you can. And being a student is very important. You need the education to build your life. And you need school to help distract you from all the illness in your family. You might want to talk to your mom's doctor. Just to assure yourself that everything possible is being done for her. Other then that it sounds like you are doing everything possible. And I am sure your parents appreciate it and love you for it.
 
#3
It's good to care about others, and especially family members that you care about who are in need.

There needs to be a balance though between giving to others and taking care of yourself. There's really not much that you can do about your parents' health. I think it's ok to let them know that you love them and wish them the best without letting the stress of the situation bring you down.
 
#4
You are a very brave student and I congratulate you on seeing that there are others out there who need to be supported. In this case, your parents are the ones who you are supporting. There is nothing wrong with your desires as a student but what you do is share those victories with your mom and maybe with your dad. That is very important to them to hear. Here is what you are providing your parents, hope, they see you succeed and they see that the children they raised care about them. They love that you are being successful which gives them strength. A parent's role is to equip their children for the success and failures of life, but what they are seeing in you is they were successful. That is the hope you are providing for your, mom and dad. We all face trials and struggles from our life journey, but we click and work at remembering the positive influences in our lives which creates joy within us. So keep sharing your victories and share with your parents how successful you are becoming and give them the peace of knowing that their child will be able to face the future presented to them.
 
#5
@ConfidenceBuilder @may71 @SillyOldBear Hello, thank you for replying to me. It feels good to know others understand you and/or show sympathy, especially when you haven't told anyone about your situation yet. I think the idea of talking to her doctors sounds good. I might hit up other doctors as well, just to be perfectly informed. The past few days I started trying to be more optimistic about my mother's future and I'm kind of more grateful after realizing it could be much, much worse. I guess I still need to work a lot on creating a balance between my main focuses, family and school, though. Otherwise they're making me feel even more anxious. Thanks again for reading&writing.
 

SillyOldBear

So very tired of everything.
Staff Alumni
#6
Sounds like you are really on the right track. Extra opinions to make sure all possible is being done for your mom is an excellent idea. Creating balance is difficult. I did the work and going to school at the same time bit. Very tiring. I wound up taking one quarter off. Maybe you could do that if things get to be too much. Just make sure you do go back to school though, if you take time off.
 

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