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sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#1
My husband wants me to tell him more.

It's a fair thing to ask I guess. He says he worries when I'm doing poorly, though I haven't really seen evidence of that.

I'm not quite sure what he wants me to tell him. I don't know if he knows what 'more' looks like. He knows I'm depressed, that I have a lot of self-hatred. He knows I come to a forum about mental health stuff. I definitely haven't told him the name of this place. I don't think he would snoop, but, I don't want him to know the name, suicide forum, too many questions might come up. I've never told him about having suicidal thoughts. I've been flirting with self harm a bit, but I don't think he's noticed, or if he has he hasn't said anything.

He has a hard time empathizing with depression, he deals with things by DOING, so it's foreign to him. I don't know if he understands how it works, really. I am ashamed of myself, on paper my life should be good. And a lot of the things I struggle with just sound ridiculous if I try to say them out loud. I can just imagine someone saying 'Wait, you want to kill yourself because of THAT?' I say it to myself. I don't know if I could deal with it if that were his reaction. And he's one of those people who wants to just offer a solution. Which I rarely want to hear from him in this instance.

I dunno. I'm not sure if I am looking for something in writing this, just kinda needed to get it out.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#2
Well, one could point at a solution that actually works, unlike the "just go for a walk" drivel that's passed around. What actually works for me is meditation and meditation alone. Contemplating about the reality of sense perception and distinguishing thought from reality.
 

snowraven

Well-Known Member
#3
My husband wants me to tell him more.

It's a fair thing to ask I guess. He says he worries when I'm doing poorly, though I haven't really seen evidence of that.

I'm not quite sure what he wants me to tell him. I don't know if he knows what 'more' looks like. He knows I'm depressed, that I have a lot of self-hatred. He knows I come to a forum about mental health stuff. I definitely haven't told him the name of this place. I don't think he would snoop, but, I don't want him to know the name, suicide forum, too many questions might come up. I've never told him about having suicidal thoughts. I've been flirting with self harm a bit, but I don't think he's noticed, or if he has he hasn't said anything.

He has a hard time empathizing with depression, he deals with things by DOING, so it's foreign to him. I don't know if he understands how it works, really. I am ashamed of myself, on paper my life should be good. And a lot of the things I struggle with just sound ridiculous if I try to say them out loud. I can just imagine someone saying 'Wait, you want to kill yourself because of THAT?' I say it to myself. I don't know if I could deal with it if that were his reaction. And he's one of those people who wants to just offer a solution. Which I rarely want to hear from him in this instance.

I dunno. I'm not sure if I am looking for something in writing this, just kinda needed to get it out.
Whatever the situation is that makes you feel so bad doesn't really matter. It's your response to that situation that is important. No struggle is ridiculous and anyone who tells you it is just shows a lack of empathy and understanding. And that's not their fault. Suicidal ideas are something most people don't understand because they don't have the experience. The fact that your husband wants you to tell him more shows he is interested in you but you can only do that when you feel ready to. Sometimes it's easier to say things to people who are removed from your situation. Good luck.
 

GFS

Well-Known Member
#4
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, S. I really am.
I think I can understand both your positions.

Your husband wants you to tell him more. I would want my wife to tell me more if I'd be in his position.
I'd probably do the same "stupid" and wrong thing by "offering solutions". Sometimes I find myself doing that here and that's one of the reasons I don't post that often.

But I also feel you about your situation. The "struggling with things that sounds ridiculous" when saying them out loud. I so feel it.

I don't know your husband but many men are like that, right? We offer "practical advice" in the most inappropriate moment when all you need is some compassion, some hugs and some cuddling.

But maybe you can help him help you.

Maybe you can start it with exactly that part. Telling him that you're gonna tell him more but that you don't want "solutions". Telling him what you wrote here. That the best way he can help you is by moral support and compassion. That you know many things will sound stupid... but that's exactly the problem.
Warn him just to hear you with his feelings not with his logic because this is a psychological problem not really a logical one.
That you want you both sharing your feelings not solutions. Tell him that you know this is going to be not very easy for both you and him but you can help each other, you by making him understand and him by showing you support and compassion.


Maybe writing a letter... or a bunch of them lol till you can find the right words to tell him without making it even more confusing and awkward than it actually is.

I'm sorry if I'm offering you a solution, I'm a man after all. lol

But I wanted to let you know I understand the feeling. I've never shared my suicidal thoughts with anyone, except in here. I so understand the "feeling stupid" and "sounding stupid if saying things out loud". I'd freak out if someone would find out that about me. Let alone if that would be my family.

Sending you a big hug! You're gonna make it, S. You're tougher than you give yourself credit for.
*hug
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#5
My husband wants me to tell him more.

It's a fair thing to ask I guess. He says he worries when I'm doing poorly, though I haven't really seen evidence of that.

I'm not quite sure what he wants me to tell him. I don't know if he knows what 'more' looks like. He knows I'm depressed, that I have a lot of self-hatred. He knows I come to a forum about mental health stuff. I definitely haven't told him the name of this place. I don't think he would snoop, but, I don't want him to know the name, suicide forum, too many questions might come up. I've never told him about having suicidal thoughts. I've been flirting with self harm a bit, but I don't think he's noticed, or if he has he hasn't said anything.

He has a hard time empathizing with depression, he deals with things by DOING, so it's foreign to him. I don't know if he understands how it works, really. I am ashamed of myself, on paper my life should be good. And a lot of the things I struggle with just sound ridiculous if I try to say them out loud. I can just imagine someone saying 'Wait, you want to kill yourself because of THAT?' I say it to myself. I don't know if I could deal with it if that were his reaction. And he's one of those people who wants to just offer a solution. Which I rarely want to hear from him in this instance.

I dunno. I'm not sure if I am looking for something in writing this, just kinda needed to get it out.
I don't think they can fully understand unless they've felt depression. By they, I mean husbands. Like you said, they want to fix it.

Some people are more expressive, you can try to tell him and maybe you'll be surprised at the comfort he offers, I don't know. I'm definitely no expert in the marriage dept. But, I think it's nice that he cares. Sorry if I'm overstepping @sinking_ship. I care about you.
 

Gonz

sick and tired of being sick and tired
#6
Maybe by "more" you could start by telling him the concerns you're expressing here.

If he's a reasonable person, then he can handle hearing what you actually need from him before you start diving into anything deeper.

And then, I don't know, start slow. You don't have to tell him every single negative thought or worry you have right away. Maybe talking to him about how depression works in general, while pointing out the ways it affects you, before getting into detail about the specific things in life that get to you.

He, I think, just wants to feel like you guys are communicating and that he's a help rather than a hindrance. I think you can tell him enough to give him that without necessarily going into stuff you're worried about being judged about.

And hopefully his reaction to what you do tell him will leave you feeling comfortable with telling him more, because it's a pretty shitty husband that would judge you.
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#7
My husband wants me to tell him more.

It's a fair thing to ask I guess. He says he worries when I'm doing poorly, though I haven't really seen evidence of that.

I'm not quite sure what he wants me to tell him. I don't know if he knows what 'more' looks like. He knows I'm depressed, that I have a lot of self-hatred. He knows I come to a forum about mental health stuff. I definitely haven't told him the name of this place. I don't think he would snoop, but, I don't want him to know the name, suicide forum, too many questions might come up. I've never told him about having suicidal thoughts. I've been flirting with self harm a bit, but I don't think he's noticed, or if he has he hasn't said anything.

He has a hard time empathizing with depression, he deals with things by DOING, so it's foreign to him. I don't know if he understands how it works, really. I am ashamed of myself, on paper my life should be good. And a lot of the things I struggle with just sound ridiculous if I try to say them out loud. I can just imagine someone saying 'Wait, you want to kill yourself because of THAT?' I say it to myself. I don't know if I could deal with it if that were his reaction. And he's one of those people who wants to just offer a solution. Which I rarely want to hear from him in this instance.

I dunno. I'm not sure if I am looking for something in writing this, just kinda needed to get it out.
It sounds like you feel very isolated in your life. That is no trivial thing. You can't thrive as a human being that. Eventually your sense of self-worth drops further, you feel completely disconnected and this can eventually lead to suicidal thoughts.

I do think your husband means well. I've had unsuccessful relationships in the past, and not just with romantic partners. I've been told I'm too unemotional and even cold. And I'll admit they had a point. I'd express care & concern within relationships in other ways. However, that's not always what the other person needs. Perhaps there's an emotional incompatibility between you and your husband?
 

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