Shattered mirror- shattered me

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TBear, May 27, 2010.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Having such a hard time dealing with the reality of the past, triggers and the present intensity... Such a fight within

    I walked to the back of the house to get away from my kids before I exploded or melted into a puddle of tears.....

    Passed a full length mirror - sudden rush of hatred at that person in the mirror - don't recognize her....shattered it then grabbed a shard of glass... began slicing my arms....

    Just wanted to snap out of the disconnect - couldn't feel it - didn't know who I was.....

    Hate life, hate me, can't pull out of it

    Thank G-d my kids didn't see....
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry tbear...I can hear your pain.....
    I don't know why you hate yourself but i hate looking in mirrors too ...
    I hope you are ok and haven't hurt yourself too much.....your children need you..
    take care
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't know why we hate ourselves so much anger hatred all deep within god why does it have to keep attacking us. Ihope you called your doctor someone crisis to get you grounded again it is sometimes too hard to deal with all of it on our own please reach out to someone close to you and get some help don't suffer alone please
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member


    That shattered you, protected you, because in each shard of that glass was someone beautiful, caring, and was borne from someone trying to save herself.

    I remember a while ago you were fighting and could put that hate to the right people- those people who hurt you and not yourself.

    Could you do that again? I know it's difficult, but what you're doing by hurting yourself is what they did to you, they made you hate yourself. What kind of triggers have you been experiencing, if you want to talk about them here?

    I agree with violet in letting your therapist know, in terms of grounding/safety. Are you safe now? How are you feeling?
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Yeah - a number of new experiences have come into my consciousness...

    Where my hatred was stored - the rage is unbelievable - I've been in touch with my therapist daily - more than once some days, he says it won't last forever....

    G-d it is like a whole new set of memories - a different little girl - but the same me - I feel like I am nuts, but you are right it is how I survived...

    I get so afraid to slow down, or sleep because that is when the memories hit - the flashbacks, I WANT IT TO END!!!!!

    Interesting - in the Talmud, the Jewish book of Law, there is a famous quote, "Live well. It is the greatest revenge" That is what I am striving for..... You are right hurting us is exactly what they did. The way to revenge - to get out is to survive and thrive... It is such a fight though.

    Thank you for your help...I have been struggling so hard and trying to run away from it all - that never works.
  6. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You want it to end I know, it's horrific, and I don't know how you do it but you do! It can be very very frightening and couregous to go through what you're doing without long term numbing.

    What you quoted from the Talmud, speaks to me too T-Bear. To live well, is what I do I'm not suffering: my standard of life is much better than it used to be- I get the feeling you might be going through similar experiences? I love life so much, and that could be the reason why unhappy people like to bring me down, as I've recently found out.

    Because the people who hurt you were not living, not living well- they were very damaged- unlike you and me who saved and protected our integrity, love, compassion and valued life- they didn't and most probably were the walking dead, very unhappy and wanted what we had, which was full of life, and the spirit to live well after such horrible ordeals.

    I hope you don't mind me using "we", just let me know if you feel uncomfortable with it, but I feel so many similarities in how we've dealt with what has happened which shows in our characters and thoughts posted on this site.

    Look after yourself, and treat yourself gently. Look after your wounds too. :hug:
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    What I meant, is what I do when I'm not suffering. Sorry, I thought I should make that clear.
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