For the past few days, thoughts have been popping into my head all day long. Not good thoughts either. I will be sitting at home watching something in TV and bam, like a bomb being dropped, I have a thought about killing myself. It's hard to explain any other way. Just something that hits me, unannounced and unforgiving. I try to put the thoughts aside like they(past mental health professionals) have taught me to do, but they persist. Unforgiving. I have had only a couple hours of sleep the past 3 days. I go to bed after putting my daughter to bed after her midnight medication and bottle. I lie there for hours, usually till 0400 or so. Then I have to get up with my daughter at 0600 for another round of her heart medication and feeding. The reason I can't sleep-thoughts. Intrusive and persistent, dark and depressing. I try to "acknowledge that the thoughts are normal and okay, that they exist and then set then aside" but they do not stay on the wayside. They come back as soon as I mentally shelve them. They seem to simply change and multiply. I eventually made them stop. I was having a weak moment and did something I regret. Now that I've opened that door I feel like I'm falling. I bruised my leg bad. Over the few days I have inflicted more harm than what used to take me a month. So I decided to call a mental health crisis hotline for veterans. Can u believed the LINE WAS BUSY? It was busy all day. So I called my mental health clinic and told them about my thoughts and self harm. The lady was really nice and asked a lot of questions so I thought she really was listening. Then while I am talking to her a sheriff pulls in my driveway. I started shaking and instantly thought I was going to throw up. I couldn't believe she called them. I told her I had no intention of acting on the thoughts. Why would she call them!? She layer(in her office) explained that my self harm and thoughts worried her and she felt that she had to make sure I was safe. I was like "what part of 'I am not going to act on them' do u not understand?" She apologized, but now I feel like I cannot trust her. How can I be honest and open with her now? How do I know she won't hospitalize me the next time I bruise or cut myself?