She hurt someone but didn't die.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ihurt2, Aug 7, 2008.

  1. ihurt2

    ihurt2 New Member

    To whom it may concern.

    This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead is coincidental.

    now the legal stuff is done...
    Presented is a story of someone who tried to do something, anything...

    It’s stupid but this song is to be played as background music over and over and over again as the background music to the life at the end of a troubled relationship that was experienced by this author. While you read, the lyrics are what matter, the song is timeless, and the lyrics belong to the girl.
    A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran
    Don't watch the's ghey.
    If the link doesn’t work,copy/paste...or find it in your mp3 collection and feel the pain of a bad 90’s one hit wonder band!

    This is a text message I read to remember why I ran away.

    "Im done. i am saying my final goodbye to everyone, i taken do it anymore. I am ending my life to night.I have already taken the pills to fall asleep forever.I am done with my life. Im sorry for the way I cheated you....I cant go on.I will be gone morning. Thoughs boys deserver better, not me. I loved you, and am sorry it was enough. Goodbye Unknown, you are special.goodbye."

    I was sound asleep….I never heard my phone alert receiving that text message, she could have died had she not called, I never saw that message until I got home after all the drama played out, after my burro died in my driveway at home.....but 5 minutes later at 3AM I was awoken by the same phone ringing and it was Beautiful…..calling out to me to let me know she had taken pills and alcohol, “everything in the cabinet” that it was too late and she called to say goodbye. I tried to pull myself together, this is where your heart races a million miles a second and time slows way down, way down…and take everything in that was happening and what she was saying, it took me less than minute, I hope, to make the decision that she wasn’t kidding and to place a call to 911.

    I called 911 even when she asked me not to while I was talking to her, the one time I didn't do what she asked of me. I stayed on the phone with her listening to her slowly die in one ear and 911 in the other ear until they got to her, the worst 15 minutes of my life...911 released me and I destroyed my little burro to reach her, thank you little burro, you gave me everything you had to reach her when I needed you, you we’re my hero that day. Little burro rocked the highway and everything was on his side all the way into town, my little burro got me to her doorstep, almost died himself but he did not tell me he was in pain. He did not say anything, after the drama of rescue subsided, my little burro coughed and sputtered to life to carry me home, we both went home solemnly that morning. This burro will live a long life. This burro is my hero.


    She just tried to hurt herself and those who know and love her. The good doctors seemed to have let her out hours later, no counseling, no concern, nothing, go home and sleep it off....she talked her way out of it. She told me that she told the good doctors that she was just drunk and sad and didn't get a hug from someone else before calling me to say goodbye.

    ….SOMEONE ELSE!?!?!?!....yea it was some other poor chap.

    The hours after this went south at light speed, I didn’t know how to react to the worst phone call I have ever received in my life. What would you do after? Contact the people she tells you she loves?

    I did that…OOPS.

    Her parent “expressed concern” that I sent her sister a plea for help.
    She “expressed concern” that I sent her sister a plea for help.

    apparently that was the wrong person to contact...well f*&K me...oops.

    Am I the only one who wonders where the concern for her well being is in all of this? Where is the help she needed and may still need? She didn't even say thank you for saving her life, why would she? She wanted to die, not live...She and her parent only “expressed concern" to me for asking her sister for help, neither one ever even thanked me or had the tone of voice of thanks....Like what she had just tried to do hours earlier was of no concern any longer, the bigger issue was the sister, that I had opened this huge can of worms contacting the sister....OMG why all the DRAMA???...WHY? A human just tried to kill themselves and politics and blame ensue…wrong approach. I ran, I ran so far away.

    I tried so very hard to be just her friend like she asked of me and not say “I love you beautiful” to her, it was so hard to do that after all the times she showed me that she loved me and she told me that she loved me, then turned around and now admitted hiding truth from me, she cheated me, pushed me and pulled me and finally called me when she was so low because of someone else’s inability to give a hug….. to call me special and make me feel lower about her impending death and somehow all this blame might fall on my shoulders because I was the one called....and I still helped her, and I would do it again, and again, and again for her until I die if she ever asked for my help in a time like that.

    But I will never get a call like that from her again, I made sure that there will never be a desire to place burden of death on me ever again, she did tell me she wasn't finished in the hours after the attempt, she said she would try this again. She wants to hurt more and I don't know why. I cannot save her. Her parents are fully aware of this situation so I know she's getting help now but I had to kill two birds with words alone that day….I freed myself from this tragic drama, and gave her something else to make her problems seem so much smaller.

    I wish someone else too could have heard the heated passionate call from her after I sent her a text message containing the worst thing I have ever written to a person in my life,….. destroying our friendship, because she said she would do this again, and because this all looked like use and drama to me. She had so much passion to hate me and to ask me "why" I could say those words after she was already so low. She had so much passion to be alive and scream at the top of her lungs at me and hate me and ask me "why" I could say those words, WHHHHY!! How could I say those words to someone you say you love WHHHHYYY!!!!.

    I didn't hear a thing she said, all I heard through her screaming and crying was that she wants to live and hate me and she'll be ok now. I did what I did, no take back; I did what she needed me to do. She needed something more powerful to feel than what brought her down in the first place, and I needed to distance myself from what she nurtured me into as a continuing problem in her life...a "friend". There was no more friendship there, there would be no relationship and that’s what I thought we wanted at one time, she told me she wanted that before she "cheated me"…but all of that hope died while I was on the phone with her at 3AM

    She's alive, she hates me for the words I wrote and we're forever going to be apart because of them, it's not like we were together before this anyway, I was already pushed away, she was just bringing me back for more punishment because I said words that hurt before, You see I hurt before this too when there was more drama before this story, but those stories are for another time. She told me she keeps those final words close so she can remind herself how bad I can hurt her. Well she has no comprehension how bad she hurt me with this drama, so bad I had to be dramatic and tragic too and run far away from her, and then continue to be tragic writing long ass stories like this one. But she's alive to read and remind herself of those things, she has a reason to live. Hate or Love, she's alive for a reason and I don't care which, I just care that she's alive.

    Sometimes you have to cut a head off, so a body can live. This was that one time.

    I didn't do it for my benefit, I had nothing to gain but far more sorrow, I will never again have her friendship nor will I ever again have her love, and that’s what makes ME want to die sometimes.

    I did this for "thoughs" boys, "thoughs" boys whom at one time I allowed myself to fall in love with as deeply as my love for her, they deserve no one in this world but her, and she is the only one on earth who would ever love them as she does.

    That's why....
    That's how I could say something so bad with words Beautiful, do you honestly believe that I could ever look into your eyes and say what I wrote to you without breaking down after uttering the first word? Right now you hang on to just one more reason to hate me and it’s all because of words, to believe that I’m the one with the problems, to think that someone else is worse off than you in this world, to make your issues seem smaller and easier to tackle. To make you feel something completely different than the death grip that sometimes holds your thoughts. You had no love for me to be around and help you with daily life anyway, you wanted to be out and meet new people, well now go little butterfly, go. Be there…not here. Everything else I offered you was not enough, the only thing I had left in the bag to give you was hate for me because my love was not enough, so I let us die……instead of you.

    Sounds opposite doesn't it? But its working isn't it? You hate me so bad don't you? Your problems are smaller now, I’m the one with problems right? I am grateful you are alive with passion to hate me and continue hating me. Stay alive, no matter the cost. Those boys need YOU; there is no one else on this earth better. No one.

    I’ll fade totally now and forever be remembered as the nut case with “major Issues” that feels used by your life when you were low and that’s ok, poor me, hopefully you will realize one day how profoundly you would have affected many lives beyond your own, I’ll be that “mistake guy” because you want me or need me to be that, it’s not the first time a girl thinks of me as you do now. You see I have been used this way before and I stepped right into it again because in you I saw something I don’t have and I wanted to learn from you, that’s why I always treated you with respect until the first time you broke my trust and you know when it was.
    I have figured out how to make you the last girl that will ever think of me that way though. You see I have this problem and my friends helped me figure it out. I seem to be attracted to women who have problems. I seem to think I can help fix their problems and keep on trucking. Well guess what?…I’m taking off the Captain SaveOHo costume (I love my friends!) and just going to walk past the girl with deep issues from now on….no matter how attracted I am.
    Even by doing what I did I was still trying to fix something and I realize that now….no more.
    Whatever….at least you are alive and passionate about something again, even if it is to hate me, you’re passionate about something, which means you’re alive.

    Should I send it to her....or let sleeping dogs lie?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Let the dog sleep! She has something to live for and you yourself are trying to move on. She is lucky to have had you in her life and if she hasn't figured that out your story wont change that now. Thank you for stepping in when so many wouldnt or couldnt see they needed to. You did a incredible thing for another human being. But please move on and find your own new reason to want to fight to keep moving forward. Sorry for your hurt and pain in all this. But rest easy knowing someone else is aware of the great sacrifice you made and it wasnt all for naught.