She left me, I'm done, and I told her so...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Damage Inc., Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. Damage Inc.

    Damage Inc. Banned Member

    I started sobbing and tears covered my eyes and face just because I've resorted to only searching for and finding a website like this.
    This is such a depressing contrast with what it was like a year ago.
    I was so happy and had such a huge new-found lust for life after years of depression, because I had the most beautiful and perfect little woman.
    But she decided about a month before we were together for a year that I was not right for her and there was no future with me.
    She basically decided things about me that aren't true and left me behind in life...
    Today, I'm thinking of <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> by a path which me and her used to walk many times, on Valentine's Day.
    So she could see what she's done to me, emotionally. How she ruined a relationship, a beautiful future and has broken a person.
    Valentine's 2011, I deliver her a 75 Dollar bear and lovemaking at night. - Valentine's 2012, I deliver her a rose or two and the dead body of her unnecessary ex-boyfriend...

    There are many many details to this, and this isn't just a case of "I got dumped...".
    It's about how me and her met, what we shared, but how she suddenly turned her back on me and the way she did it.
    And also that she had to suddenly become all serious with this other guy that she's probably in bed with at this very moment.
    This whole thing has been tearing me and raping me, in my heart, in my mind, in my body, ever since about May last year.
    I've tried to do different things. Processing it, but it doesn't change, forgetting it, but it never leaves...
    I just want to get life over with now... I don't want to live with these feelings and thoughts anymore...
    I've been trying to let it out through music (as I'm a musician), but it's all too emotional.
    I've been screaming and hitting myself, but it's only temporary relief...


    I wish I knew why I can't end myself... It's like I believe there's something to come, but there's nothing.
    I KNOW that if she'd have stayed with me, our life together would have been amazingly beautiful, it's something we agreed on for a long time.
    So many times she said to me that she loved me, how she said that "I'm really sweet." and I'm so special to her and all that stuff.
    I remember lying in each others arms one time and me telling that the thing I feared most was losing her and seeing her go with someone else.
    And what did she let it all come to many months later??! WHY, WHY does someone have to do that to someone else?? The sweetest most innocent girl too!
    Just because somehow she's so sure of her predictions and accusations that are NOT true.

    I loved her so much, I cared for her so much, she could come to me with ANYTHING, and I'd do ANYTHING for her.
    I still have this hairband in my hair, that she put in when we went swimming last Summer. I was SO proud of every little thing she did with me.
    That's not the bad thing about my hair though, the bad thing is, I haven't washed my hair ever since she went official with this other guy back in November around my frickin' birthday.
    I've only took about 2-3 showers in the mean while, because I simply do not care anymore! I care! But I can't be bothered to take care of myself.
    Do you know how I go, or CAN go to sleep? When I'm up, I try to keep myself busy with mostly media, like series/movies, or games more, just hiding in there like I did before I met her.
    Which I by the way completely stayed away from once I met her. I hadn't played a single game for like a half year before I took it on again with moderation.
    But when I don't have anything to do, thoughts about her just haunt my mind, good memories make me sad, thoughts of her and this other guy and never having her again kill me.
    So when I lie down, in a quiet, dark and cold room, it's just Hell. Everything attacks my mind at the same time.
    I start to cringe and cry, I begin to growl and scream into my pillow, hitting the mattress, the pillow, myself... of course it won't stop.
    Then I start hitting my head, my face, I punch it as hard as I can allow myself, almost dislocating my jaw, loosening some teeth, squashing my eyes...
    I also try to pull my face off, I scratch it open. And I keep continue to do this until I'm out of energy and numb.
    And my thoughts kind of become vague because of the pain and I can fall asleep soon enough. Which is like Heaven, because I don't have to live at that moment.
    Except... well, I get dreams and nightmares sometimes...
    And then, yeah, when I wake up, every time I have to realize that things aren't good, that she's gone, and (as always) worse, that she's with this other guy.
    I just just cringe and hurt again, because it's like a slap in the face and a punch in the stomach EVERY TIME I WAKE UP! To the point I almost have to puke.
    And it seems to get worse every time, because it just won't change... of course... it never ends...

    I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know why I'm getting this, why I deserve this.
    I was so thankful that we found each other and that we were so great together. But she insisted it was not, all of a sudden...
    I don't get it... I'm... just... not knowing why and how things happened... I hate her for doing this to me... and I hate my life for being this way...
    FINALLY I get the thing I had been looking for, for many YEARS. And then I get it... I finally started to live my life... and what happens... the WORST thing I feared most...
    Why did I think things would be different this time around?... I shouldn't have fooled myself it was finally alright...
    This is another sadistic thing that life pulled with me... for some sick reason...
     
  2. Lucano

    Lucano Well-Known Member

    Damage, you are not alone. I perfectly understand your pain. My fiance left me not long ago, after 2 and a half years of relationship for another guy. I can perfectly understand your pain. In my heart she was and still is the love of my life and I understand how all those memories hurt so bad. Losing her to someone else was alos my worst fear and it became a reality. But I am still here. And if you are writing this, it means that part of you is still here, I know right know your heart is covered with scars and it hurst beyond words, I know because I feel the same. But believe me, ending it, and specially as a revenge, won't do anything. If your love for her is real let yourself be free. I know right now there is a lot of things you don't want to listen and the things I am telling you are exactly the things I don't want to hear from anyone. But you need them.

    It takes time, but you can get up, I have. I started going to therapy and I am under medication now for my depression. I suggest you to go to your doctor and get professional help, there is no shame in doing it. I am myself a health care professional. So please, take your time. We are here to talk, to listen, to help you if we can. You are not alone.
     
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    You are not alone with this, there's probably many here who know what you're going through. I can share you my story: I was 9 years together with my girlfriend who was the love of my life (she was my first girlfriend too) until she cheated on me and then left me. That was a bit over half a year ago and I'm still struggling a lot. In the beginning I had feelings just like that, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't listen to music, couldn't watch tv, couldn't really do anything. I was completely paralyzed by pain, the only thing that brought me pleasure was the bottle (not even pleasure, just temporary relief).

    I can say though that the feelings of intense anger and pain will lessen over time. I can't promise you everything will be alright because that is ultimately in your own hands. I haven't recovered myself but that is largely because I've engaged in other destructive behaviours after. You can do better and I hope you do.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Damage and welcome...loosing a relationship like that is like a death, and one has to go through the process of grieving and then working through the loss...it takes time and work, the later being allowing yourself to recognize that it was not your fault...maybe, the person you thought she was, was not exactly who she was...I hope you engage professional help to assist you in finding your equillibrium again...you deserve to feel better and to not hurt yourself...as you see from the responses, there are many people here who can relate, so please continue to post...welcome again
     
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