She treated me in such a way, I think I am done.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by strangethoughts, Feb 20, 2012.

  1. strangethoughts

    strangethoughts New Member

    Hi All,

    I have recently separated from my Fiance. I found out that she had slept with another man, we had been together for 21 months and recently gotten engaged.

    She had cheated on her previous boyfriend, telling me that it was because he treated her bad, and that she was not happy with him, I dedicated 21 months of my life to making sure that every day I spent with her was the best she ever had.

    I bought her a holiday for her birthday, I bought flowers for every month anniversary we were together, I made an effort with all of her friends, went to social events, supported in her job, even isolated a certain number of my own friends to show that I wanted her and only her for the rest of my life.

    I had no previous warning about what was to come, it came out of the blue.

    In a single month, I lost my fiance, lost my house, lost my job & the dog we both got together unfortunately passed away.

    I had a past history of self harm and suicide attempts, just as she had previous self harm, she had even once self harmed in worry that I may leave.

    I just can't cope or even believe that it all meant nothing, to go along normally, have, what I believe a perfectly happy life and then just turn around and sleep with someone else, not even in a drunken state, but in pre-meditated meetings whilst sober, over a period of a week.

    I am now living on my own in a small house, I have managed to get a new job and you could say I am moving on with my life. But I am really not, one moment I am riding high and happy grateful that I am still here, in the next instance I feel down and what it all to be over with. The night I found out about what she did I tried to take my own life, that same night instead of her finding my lifeless body, she was around with that man. If it was not for a friend who lived in the flat above I don't know what would of happened.

    She is my waking thought, she is my last thought at night. & all I want to do is to find another relationship A.S.A.P. is this even normal? I think not, its as if Im looking to fill a gap in my life, which even though I recognize, I cannot help it!

    Any thoughts please?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG hun you are so lucky to be rid of her what a user she is You deserve so much better hun you find that someone that will love you and not use you okay You lost alot hun you lost a dream YOu can move forward and you are doing so now it is time to stop giving her anymore power okay you stop the thoughts you get rid of everything that would remind you of her and you go out and find someone special okay someone that deserves your love hugs
     
  3. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    That does sound pretty harsh… but it is a good thing that she's out of your life, and as eclipse said it's time to start moving forward. If you've found a new job and you have a house, then it sounds like you've landed on your feet… that's really all that you need in the world. The rest of it is just bonus-- and you're better off alone than with people like that. But on the plus side, at least you found out before you made a larger commitment or had kids! So yeah, the only thing you need to do now is focus on letting her fade out of your memories and getting to the point where you feel whole again… well, she'll never completely fade away, but you'll get to the point where you can accept what happened and move on.
     
  4. strangethoughts

    strangethoughts New Member

    but I seem to have this urge to jump straight back into something, and I don't know if it is because I like someone, or just because I need someone. being alone is too hard, friends are there, but you can't get that same spark or feeling from them
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Nor do you want that same spark or feeling YOU want something that is positive that is going to be real Yes it may be too soon but you will know when the right one comes and you will learn from this past experiance to take things slow You do not want to connect with someone like your ex you want somone much more loving and trust worthy
     
  6. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Humans are not naturally monogamous creatures. The sooner people realize this, the more successful relationships will be.
     
  7. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Entoloma:

    Humans are not 'naturally' car-driving, flying, city-dwelling, creatures--or if you want to stick to social institutions like relationships, humans are not 'naturally' currency-trading, living-in-groups-larger-than-hunter-gatherer-bands-of-150, online-relationship-cultivating creatures. To be honest, I don't know what you think 'natural' is (I presume it's some idea of how humans 'naturally' evolved to live 200,000 years ago--unless you think you, unlike every behavioural scientist on this planet, are capable of telling the difference between what people do 'naturally' and what they do based on their particular social environment). Precious little of anything we do is 'natural' in any meaningful way. As a species, we live in a vast variety of different social arrangements, including a vast variety of different ways of having romantic and sexual relationships, many of which involve monogamy, many of which don't. How would we decide which of these are 'natural' and which are 'unnatural'? I presume you think some cultures are more 'natural' than others, and presumably therefore superior? What are your criteria for assessing this? Where is your evidence?

    Ultimately though, who gives a toss about what is supposedly 'natural'? Once people have entered into a monogamous relationship, they have made a solemn promise which they must keep, unless they break up first. That is a moral obligation, and a serious one. Perhaps you think morality is 'unnatural' too, because people so often act immorally? Well, natural or not, it is there, and it isn't helpful to tell someone it was their mistake for getting into a monogamous relationship in the first place. That's analogous to telling a stabbing victim it's their fault, because they should have realised people are naturally murderous creatures. Not very helpful.
     
  8. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    People's tendency to make wild assumptions on little details is amusing. We went from "monogamy is not natural" is natural to: I believe some cultures are more natural than others, some cultures are superior to others, morality is unnatural, and it was a mistake for this individual to enter a monogamous relationship.

    To clarify, I am using the word "natural" in the sense of biological drive, or the way we are biologically wired.

    Also, I was not making a statement about this individual, but a broader social statement. Many more relationships would be more successful if we realize monogamy is more of a social construct, and that it's unrealistic to expect with humans. This doesn't mean cheating is permissible, in-case you were about to make that assumption as well.