she wants me dead anyway

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by indie, Sep 30, 2009.

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  1. indie

    indie Well-Known Member

    my mother wants me dead anywy so may as well just give her what she wants.:mad::blub::blub::blub::mad::mad::argh::argh::argh::confused::confused:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Why do you think that Indie?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No she doesn't want you dead she wants you well strong and happy She is feeling overwhelmed and perhaps dead a bit inside for not being able to help you It is awful when a mother is unable to help their child it is the worse feeling ever. She must be suffering inside and if she said these words she didn't mean them she is just hurt.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It doesnt matter what others want hun. What do you want? You're here and talking about it. I think you want to live. So do it hun. Show the world you're a fighter, you dont give up. Screw what others want, say or need. Be totally selfish and think of yourself right now. Please hold on and be strong for you!!!
  5. indie

    indie Well-Known Member

    my mother told me she hopes i die i phoned a few days ago to tell her that i know that she knew about what my dad and his friends used to do with me and she just came out and sid that i was a disgusting horrible evil little wench and that ideserved everything that happened back then, tody god knows what possed me to phone her again but i did to apologise for being so bad, an she said that she hopes i die she just kept saying it over and over its like ive turned her into a cold heartless bitch.

    so like i say she wants me gone so may as well just find a way to make it happe i wanted to stop existing this just gives me more reason.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So then dont talk to her. It appears that she is only feeding into and enforcing the negative feelings that you have right now. I'm not sure how old you are but having the acceptance of our parent, their approval of who we are is so important when we are young. But up til you are a young adult, your world revolves around your parents and immediate family. Once you are old enough to move out, it gets a little easier but it's still there. But you dont need your parents approval to define who you are. You are you. You have your own shit to deal with and if mom isnt making things easier or better then leave her out. Leave her out until you are strong enough to face her again.

    I dont know what your dad and friends did, but have you ever sought therapy, medical or professional help for it? If not, maybe today is the day to start?

    There is a chance she didnt know. And just getting it straight in the face like that she is probably reacting in shock. If she did know, then maybe she has been in denial and you bringing it up she reacted poorly to something she is trying to deny to herself.

    Hun please dont give up on you. Right now, your mom and family are not the important ones here, you are. Please post, tell anything else you feel comfortable talking about. I think you have been caring around a HUGE hurt for so long now. Alone. And maybe talking will help to lessen that hurt. Sometimes just getting it out there can be the start to wanting to feel better and to keep on trying to hold on. You found SF now lets see what we can do to help you ok?
  7. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she has her own problems that have nothing to do with you. I'm sorry she said that to you. It doesn't matter if she meant it or not. What she said to you was wrong. I haven't been on this board long and I don't know your background, but I glanced at your old posts and I get a sense of what happened to you. We're the same age. Abuse isn't your fault. It's just not. You didn't do anything to deserve it. You aren't disgusting. You aren't evil. You aren't horrible. And you DON'T have to apologize to your mother or anyone else for being "bad."

    We like to think that all mothers are great and love their kids. So when we hear things like that from our parents we think "Wow, I must be REALLY awful if this person who HAS to love me hates me so much." But it's not you, it's her, okay? She's a human being, and she's flawed like the rest of us. She doesn't dictate who you are.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can only echo itmahanh's post. Great post hun..

    Indie, please don't listen to her!! She obviously has problems of her own and is venting away on you. None of what she said is true :hug: :hug:
  9. indie

    indie Well-Known Member

    if this memory i am struggling with is anything to go by she was a lot more involved than i thought, i do remember her holding my arm still when him my dad used to put a needle in my arm i didnt know it back then but it was heroin i was 8 yrs old at the time that i remember that incident but about 4 weeks ago i was allowed access to my old social services records and there is a note in there from when i was 9 saying that i was in hospital being treated for a heroin withdrawal that was all it said about that there didnt seem to be any follow up or investigation of any kind and the social worker at the time was sacked i dont know why, but this memory shows her doing so much more than just simply holding my arm still i cnat talk about it as it makes me physically sick to even try and write it down.

    im so ashamed of everything that went on back then.

    i just feel that ive had enough of it all im both physically and mentally exhausted and ii just want too not be scared to go to sleep anymore for fear of being trapped.
    if i stop existing then there wont be any nightmares or flashbacks or getting constantly triggered, i dont want to die ii jjusst i just want to have peace for once. i am going to try to get through this i have to my kids need me and i know they will blame themselves so i know i have to fight but i just dont have the energy anymore.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Then indie, rest and lean on the members here. Let us help you through this. Its too big for you to keep fighting alone. You're not alone hun. People are listening. Keep posting whatever you need, want or can. Let us help you find some strength so thatyou can keep fighting for your sake and those of your kids. :arms:

    You have nothing to be ashamed of indie. They are things that were done to you. Not by you. You were a child that had to carry that a long way to adult hood. Feeling things that you should never of had to feel. Now you are an adult. Let's see what resources you can find and use to help you leave that all in your childhood so that you can move on with your own kids. Give them a childhood better than what you had to experience.

    Keep holding on. You arent alone.
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