She was my whole world

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by marklondon, Jul 21, 2011.

  1. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,

    I don't really know why I'm writing this. I feel pretty unable to talk to any of my friends or family about what has happened. I'm not sure why. I cry alone all the time, but I don't want to do it in front of them. But I wish I had a shoulder to cry on.

    She and I were together for 8 years. I made two fatal mistakes. First, after about 3 years together, I started to have doubts, thinking maybe we were too young, that I wanted to go and have some experiences with other women or something. I didn't cheat on her -- but I let her know I was having doubts, and made her feel profoundly insecure. We moved to a new city then, and because of my doubts (and stupid desire to flirt with girls), I developed a social circle completely separate from hers. Although I got over my doubts and realised I was ready to make a commitment to be with her -- if possible for the rest of my life -- this separation of our social lives laid the foundations for the disaster that happened later.

    My second mistake started 2 years ago. I developed a problem with substance abuse, but a kind of substance which affected me subtly enough, or slowly enough, that she didn't realise it was going on. But it changed my personality dramatically. Even though in reality she was always the most important thing in the world to me, it made me act in ways that made her think she was less important to me than my work, or that she didn't matter to me, or that I wasn't interested in hearing about her feelings. It completely wrecked my social life too -- I came across as equally aloof to my friends. I have since discovered that this horrible drug has similar effects for many people, and has destroyed many marriages. But I became somewhat addicted to it, and unable to realise what I was doing to myself and the people I loved.

    Well, she put up with this for a year (not knowing I was on drugs), and then a year ago, she started to become much more intimate with one of her friends -- from that segregated social circle I had created, in my folly, years before. They have had an affair which became increasingly physical, but more importantly he became her main confidant, and they developed an emotionally close bond -- maybe they have fallen in love, I'm not sure. In any case, she gave up on me -- she never bothered to sit down with me and tell me all the things I was doing, talk through the ways I was hurting her, instead she just put up with it for the first year, and then spent the second year with this guy instead. She replaced me with him in her heart.

    Things finally came to a head this past spring, when there was an episode when I was on a lot of this drug, and I neglected her when she really needed me. That's when I confessed to her what had been going on for the past 2 years, and I stopped taking the drug then. But by then it was too late -- the damage had been done, and she was in love with this other guy instead. I had become a monster to her, even though I always passionately loved her, and in fact lived for her. I only wish she had confronted me about my behaviour 2 years ago instead--I would have been shocked out of it, confessed it, and stopped taking it. Don't get me wrong--I take full responsibility for my actions. I just wish she had talked to me instead of giving up on me and going off with this other guy before I even knew how I was hurting her.

    One of the things that hurts me most is that she said she realised she would 'always be less important to me than my work' -- there was never any reason prior to the past 2 years for her to think that, and I just wish she had confronted me in the knowledge that things had been different before, rather than forgetting the first 6 years of our relationship.

    In any case, it is all over now. She has spent the past year systematically excluding me from her life, replacing me with this guy, who I can feel she now feels relates to her on so many more levels that I ever can. It kills me to feel this, because that was the role I used to have in her life. It used to be the two of us as a team, us against the world, understanding each other better than anyone could ever understand anyone. We never rushed into making foolish promises about being together forever -- but after we had been madly in love with each other for a while, and felt that we had a bond that went beyond even love itself, we did start talking about being together forever, about building a future together, a house, a child ... And I learned and was prepared to do all the work it would take to make the relationship really last for the rest of our lives, through thick and thin -- I never was stupid enough to think it would just happen automatically.

    Anyway, I feel that through my own horrible weaknesses and mistakes, I have destroyed the best and most meaningful thing I have ever experienced, or ever dreamed I could experience. It was not the first time I was in love; but this went far beyond love.

    I have contemplated suicide many times in the past few months (she finally dumped me about 3 months ago). I have come close to doing it. To be honest, I can only really see surviving physically if I become a completely different person to who I was, because I already feel that the man I was is dead. Everything I dreamed of, everything I hoped for, everything I felt and thought was for her. And now she is gone -- forever.

    I am still struggling to put the pieces of my life back together. Every day is a struggle -- some days I just drink a bottle of wine with lunch so I can pass the rest of the day without having to think too much -- I know this is dangerous. Other days I can barely function. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about her, or about the man she left me for. I know that if I stay alive long enough, eventually this has to fade. But many times I wish I had killed myself months ago when I came so close to doing it.

    I don't expect anyone will really have read this whole message, but if you have, thank you. I feel completely alone in the world at the moment, unable really to talk to anyone about this. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am, or why I am alive.

  2. tenholehweels

    tenholehweels Well-Known Member

    i read it and i feel for you.

    i feel for you in a way only someone who has been there can.
    i was the neglected and abused and to make it worse she left
    for another man.

    it has been almost 8 months now of hell including now 2 attempts
    one landed me in the psych ward.

    buddy, i can't tell you it won't hurt and i can't say anything that
    is gonna make it go away,all i can tell you is to try and make it
    through this.

    the substance abuse isn't helping anything, the alcohol won't either
    if you need someone who is going through the same hell let me know.

    just try to make it,there is help here. without this place i would have
    been dead a long time ago.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to let you know that I read your post. If you ever need a listening ear, you can PM me anytime.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Mark,

    I'm too young and inexperienced to know what heartbreak feels like; I can't even begin to imagine it.

    On the other hand, I believe the possibility for you is very much there of finding a woman whom you will grow to love unconditionally. Why do I say that? Well, because you cared so much for your ex and are loyal (you never did actually cheat on her, whereas she cheated on you). Hey, you made a mistake. It's in the past now and you have opportunities to move forward and start a new chapter in your life, "changed" man or not. Good luck with everything :)

    P.S. Welcome to SF. :shake: I'm Alex, nice to meet you. Cya around. ^^
  5. bhawk

    bhawk Well-Known Member

    I have been in a very very similar situation and to some extent i still am. I feel for you entirely! All i can say is keep true to yourself and keep your chin up
  6. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your experience in a really huge way, and you're nowhere close to being alone on here. If you ever need anybody to talk to, tons of us here are more than willing to lend you an ear including me. Losing my ex definitely felt like the end of the world and I still feel like a chunk of my heart is ripped out, but after a long healing process you can feel better. I wish you the best of luck with it. :hugtackles:
  7. whatif

    whatif Well-Known Member

    I read your post it moved me close to what I have going on I wish I could keep your chin up but I can't even do that now Iwish you the best we can only take one day at a time
  8. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Everyone --

    Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I really thought it was too long and rambling for anyone to bother. It means a lot to me. Especially those of you who have big enough problems to deal with yourselves already.

    What is there to say now? I'm still here. Haven't jumped under anything moving fast. But I'm still thinking about her every waking moment. I guess a lot of us are in the same sort of situation.

    Mr. Alex -- you will experience heartbreak. But I guess if you never experience heartbreak, you can't experience love. What I am struggling with now isn't the love part. It's how do people manage to go beyond that, to make relationships last long enough to do things like raise children. I thought I had worked it out. But how can you trust people?

    It's funny how all the media and everything are always telling us that men are the ones who are unreliable, cheating, unfaithful bastards etc etc. When actually we are just as capable of wanting to devote our lives to someone as anyone else. It isn't a question of what kind of genitalia you have. It's a question of how you look at the universe. Whether you are willing to accept that after 18 to 24 months, the oxytocin rush that comes from first falling in love will inevitably fade, and then willing to do the work to replace it with a longer-lasting, deeper bond.

    I was willing to do that work. But I failed her, and she failed me. It's worse than heartbreak. It is like losing my religion.

    Thank you all again for reading this. I know this sounds silly, but the fact that you read it and replied to it gives me some reason to have faith that humans can be at all decent -- when everything that has happened made me question that.

  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Mark...I just saw this...I am so impressed with how you are taking responsilbity and how honest you have been...maybe that relationship has come to an end, but truly you have learned something for the next one...and if you continue to show yourself self-compassion and forgive yourself for being an imperfect human, as we all are, you will be available for the next one...and the phrase 'losing my religion' sure does hit home as it is one of my fav songs...I truly get that...please try to see how you did your best, even if you feel it was not good enough, care for yourself, and ready yourself for the next relationships to come...also, keep us posted how you are doing...J
  10. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Yesterday, I flew 7000 miles to see her. Not to try to convince her to come back to me, as some of my friends have advised me I should do. Purely to try to help her to stop suffering so much, because she wrote in an email that she felt like a horrible person because of what happened between us. I wanted to go and release her from feeling guilty about me.

    Nevertheless, after I had flown 7000 miles and shown up on her doorstep by surprise, she spent less than 3 hours with me, and when I said I could go away and come back the next day, whenever was convenient, or I could just leave if I was getting in her way -- she told me to leave. I had been travelling for 40 hours. I simply said goodbye to her -- making clear it was the last time, both of us crying.

    It is clear to me now that there is not a drop of love for me left in her heart. Even after more or less the biggest gesture I could come up with at the moment (which also included completely messing up my life -- I now don't know what I'm doing in this place, how I'm going to arrange to go back to where I was, etc) ... she simply wanted me to go away. The message could not be clearer. I have no place left in her life.

    The problem is that with each passing day I have realised more and more how much I love her. If there is no hope left of anything between us, if the bond is completely gone, what sense is there in living?

    I simply don't know what to do. I don't know why I am alive on this planet.
  11. tinker22fly

    tinker22fly Member

    hey, i just came across ur post and read it and im sorry to hear how your feeling, but i do think that maybe if your ex didnt recognise how grand your gesture was, or how much effort you had gone to just to see if she was okay maybe you could use this as an opertunity to turn it around, you could say you finaly have the closure you needed. It sounds like you hav so much love to give and will surely find someone special to give it to. I have no doubt you will in time find hapiness. Please just be patient, grieve for your lost love and move on with your life if you can. Much easyer said than done i know, but im sure you will find light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime spend time with your friends and have fun being independent again :)
  12. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Here I am again. It's been over 7 months since she dumped me, 3 and a half months since I last saw her. For a while I've managed to stop thinking about killing myself, for a while I managed to distract myself. But for the past week I've been in a rut again, which has to end now because I have to get back in touch with people and start working again on Monday. I just feel so fucked up again today. My back hurts from lying around too much this week in a daze. My body hurts from drinking and not exercising.

    I just wish I would stop thinking about her. I've done very well at not contacting her any more, and I don't intend ever to contact her again. But she just keeps circulating around in my head. Her and the man she went off with. I am sure it's better for both of us now to be separate. But I no longer have any faith in humanity. I basically just think everyone is somewhere along the spectrum toward being a sociopath -- just more or less good at convincing other people they can be trusted, but basically horrible inside.

    It's horrible. I'm no longer actually thinking about killing myself, but I fantasise sometimes about the times I came so close over the summer, wishing I had done it, thinking how nice it would be if I had done it.

    Sorry to post another little rant like this. Not really sure why. I just feel very alone again now that I'm not being distracted by things. Alone and empty.