Hi, I am Derek, 19 years I think I'm personally responsible for every miserable moment of my life, like I just thought and dwelled so hard on sad things, that I became a self-fullfilled prophecy of failure. I can't undo the awkward my personality has become, and I am rejected by a lot of people because of how I act. Since six, I've been obsessed with boys. I watched them, and flirted, and I've never felt dirty for being gay, but I know I can never have any real men for friends because of it. I develop crushes on 99.9% of the guys I hang around. Physically, I'm unattractive, enough said. I don't have any hope for getting a boyfriend. For me, wanting *anybody* to be with you for that long, and suddenly realizing it can never happen, is enough excuse for suicide. I used to try to find different disorders that I wanted to have. I just want an excuse for how disgusting and useless I am. I wish I could cover it up with a personality disorder, but inside, I know I sat by in life and let people walk on me, treat me like shit, fail school, fail life, fail at loving my family. I've become a drug addict, social reject. I have a hundreds of fake personas I put on in public, sometimes for attention, sometimes so people think I'm one of those 'weird' kids and come talk to me, because that's real cool, right? It doesn't take long for people to see through me, and it's why I don't have anyone. I don't know how to get my hands on it, but I decided that I'd prefer to kickstart my trip to hell by taking cyanide salts.