Sheltered idiot

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lobstr, Jun 27, 2007.

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  1. Lobstr

    Lobstr New Member

    Hi, I am Derek, 19 years

    I think I'm personally responsible for every miserable moment of my life, like I just thought and dwelled so hard on sad things, that I became a self-fullfilled prophecy of failure. I can't undo the awkward my personality has become, and I am rejected by a lot of people because of how I act.

    Since six, I've been obsessed with boys. I watched them, and flirted, and I've never felt dirty for being gay, but I know I can never have any real men for friends because of it. I develop crushes on 99.9% of the guys I hang around. Physically, I'm unattractive, enough said. I don't have any hope for getting a boyfriend. For me, wanting *anybody* to be with you for that long, and suddenly realizing it can never happen, is enough excuse for suicide.

    I used to try to find different disorders that I wanted to have. I just want an excuse for how disgusting and useless I am. I wish I could cover it up with a personality disorder, but inside, I know I sat by in life and let people walk on me, treat me like shit, fail school, fail life, fail at loving my family. I've become a drug addict, social reject. I have a hundreds of fake personas I put on in public, sometimes for attention, sometimes so people think I'm one of those 'weird' kids and come talk to me, because that's real cool, right? It doesn't take long for people to see through me, and it's why I don't have anyone.

    I don't know how to get my hands on it, but I decided that I'd prefer to kickstart my trip to hell by taking cyanide salts.
  2. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Have you tried to talk with someone? not a doctor, but also a person you know, your parents maybe... why do you say that when people see through you, they leave you?
  3. nze

    nze New Member

    Hi Derek,

    I think what Sil said is a really good idea. I think once you're having these kinds of thoughts a great next step is to share them with someone else, like family, or try a phone line, doctor, could be anyone. What you're going through is extremely difficult, and when we're young it's even easier for us to lose sight of any hope. With the kinds of stuff you're going through it's important to remember that you should have a great deal of compassion for yourself. As for your user name, you don't seem like an idiot from your post, you're clearly smart, observant and deserving of a lot more self-respect.
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