She's back in hspital... what the hell do I do?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cayzira, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. cayzira

    cayzira Well-Known Member

    I've not been here a while so here it is. Everything.

    I joinded this site in 2006 under the name "Darkest Wolf", a couple of months later I OD'd and was admitted to hospital, to keep this shot I won't explain to much, just give you an outline... mind you I'tll still end up pretty long.

    I was in a 7 secure adosecense ward for most of my stay. In May 07 I met Susan. I've previosly refured to her on this site as "Alex" I was paronoid, that people still knew I used this site (My mums "partner" used to be here under the name "Netean" I didn't find out until a few months later) but I think it's been long enouth now

    Why was I there? Self harm, depression, suicidal tendincies, you get the picture. Anyway, met her, and everthing got better. On July 10th last year I asked her out, and thing shame never been the same since: I've been happy : )

    We both got out around August, and I though things were ok. We wern't exactly cured, but me made each pther happy. And while we lived 80 miles away from each other, we manged to see each other about 6 days a fortnight (She'd come to mine for 5 days one week, and I'd go to her for 1 day a week - I couldn't stay longer... I had to hold down my job... not that it was much of a job, but without cash I couldent go at all)

    It was all going well, we were both still pretty "depressed" at times, but we made it though.

    Susan has (Possibly, they've never been able to diagnose it proaperly) phycosis, as you can imagine this is a lot hard to cope with that the depression. We could get through the depression, because we could see some happyness, and knew that one day things would get even better (We had plans to move it together next year)

    She could cope with most of the crap, but being told and encouraged to kill herself every time she felt bad didn't help. A few months ago I got a call at around 1 in the morning, she cut her wrist and was bleeding pretty badly. I got a train down at 2 and took her to A+E, they gave her 12 stiches and that was that.

    Expect it wasen't. I haven't been sober since. I've not been "drunk" 24/7 but I'm alway "tipsy" and when I'm not, I just get high, or have my risperdone and knock myself out for the day. Knowing that she wasen't doing so well really fucked with my head... I don't want to have to face it proaperly...

    I tryied to help her, I've always told her to call me if she ever needs anything, I sleep with both phones next to my bed, so no matter what time it is, she can always reach me. And she dose call if she needs stuff, witch is good... except I don't get alot of sleep as it is... so when that gets intirupted and I stay up talking to her all night... well I knacked by the morning, and normally emotionally fucked up myself.

    I used to talk to her about my problems, and she used to help me... but now I really don't want to give her anymore stress. I'm on the verge of suicdie again because I don't know what else I can do.. I don't think I'll do it (I don't wanna leave her) but the thoughs are there. And I can't even tell her... she know I'm not "fine" like I say I am but...

    2 weeks ago she called me, she was the worts she'd been since the night of the stiches. I stayed up with her for 2 hours (I mised work the next day) and got her to write it all down, and told her to give it to her CAMHS team the next day.

    She gave it to them... they put her back in hospital. I went down there 3 times in 6 days and spent 80 quid on trains and buses. Now I'm stuck for cash. She's been moved back to the ward in Manchester (Where I first met her)

    My dad works near there, so I shuold be able to get lifts now... expect last month I left my dads to go live at my mums, things haven't been so good there recently. I'm not talking to him ATM, but I'm going over ther to try
    and patch things up with a bottle of Gin today (Farthes day and all that)

    I feel bad now... visiting times are restricted, so I can't see her much (Once I able to start going there) and so is use of the phone. I know that there suppost to be helping her... but I've ben in that ward, and I know they can't help.

    SInce she wen't there she's gone from bad to worse. She OD'd again the other day. She went in to the ICU and was lucky ot to go in to a coma with the amouht she took.

    What the hell dose all this mean? Is this my fault? I feel like we both got of of hospital too early. She's always saying she woulden't have gotten out without my help.. so I'ts my fault she's had to go back. She didn't fix things the first time. And neither did I... how long before I wind up back in a place like that.

    What am I suppost to do? I don't know how to help anymore. Il love her, and want things to be ok, I want her to be happy. But I don't think Caysia (Thats the woman who talks to her in her head) will ever let her be. Anti phycotis haven't work.. but then she never takes meds proaperly anyway.

    I miss the life we had only a few months ago. It was normall, and happy, too things I've not had muvh of. But now were back atthe start. and I don't know what I'm suppost to do.

    I'm slowly getting suicidal myself, and my camhs arn't being much help. I phond for an apointment and the best they could maage was next week.

    It's my birthday on tuseday... we were gonna spend it togeter, just us a big fire outside, and sit around drinking and maybe smoking some spice (It's legal, so don't give the the drug lecture... I've never tought the illegal shit, and never would)

    Insted I'm gonna spent it the way I always have. Feeling crap. I proably won't see my dad, and my mums working... so I'll be here with Iain (My mums partner) my friend Sam is coming too (She's also from the ward - I don't socilaise much, and ward people are the only people I know)

    What the fuck am I suppoost to do? I want to break down and cry and scream and cut. but I can't, I can't get worse because I know when she gets worse I get worse. and I don't want me bing worse to make her worse. So I just try and keep myself sedated.

    What do I do? If anyone has an answere to this shit, then please tell me wihat it is. I love Susan and I don't want to lose her : (
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