She's going to leave me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Loose, Nov 30, 2011.

  1. Loose

    Loose Member

    and I don't blame her one bit. I just wish I wasn't so much of an idiot.

    I've been dating her for almost 8 months now, but I've loved her, because she's the only one who cared enough to break through to me. She's been here for me, through my all fits and tantrums. It was her that stopped all my cutting, all my drugs, all my suicidal tendencies. I was an idiot though.

    8 months ago, I used to cut myself regularly, and do various drugs to cope with my self-professed insanity. I had no friends, only acquaintances. I spoke to no one, cared for no one. I would wake up, and if I lived, i would go back to sleep. The days and weeks merged and I could not tell whether I did something today or last week, because it was all the same. But this girl, she was persistent. She didn't let go when I told her I was fine, because to her, I obviously wasn't. And while we were getting to know each other, and getting closer, there was another girl. I did not care for this girl one bit; she and I drank a few beers and she kissed me, and when i did nothing to stop her, she kept kissing me. I had told her previously that I am in a relationship, I don't know whether she forgot or what.

    The following day, she asked to hang out again, and I was still in my "wake-up-and-if-i-live-go-back-to-bed" mode, so I agreed. This time we made out and got pretty close. This was the last time. This was 7 months ago.

    I love my girlfriend. I'm not the same person I was then, any idiot can see that. The way I dress, look, talk, act, everything has changed. Even my grades. Last month I tried to confess to her. I told her I cheated on her and began to cry. Without explaining to her what I did clearly, I began trying to justify myself, and in doing so, she knows only what I did the first time. She's forgiven me, but she doesn't know that the next day I went back to see her.

    I can't take it. The guilt's been tearing me apart. Every time I see her, every time she tells me she loves me, it hurts. I reply to her saying I love her too, because I do.

    So Im writing her a letter, because I can't confront her. And when I write her this letter, I won't get side-tracked in trying to justify myself before I tell her EVERYTHING. I was just so desperate for her forgiveness... She forgave me for allowing that girl to make out with me, not for me going back the next day. Im going to give her this letter on Friday, because I won't see her for the weekend. I'll ask her if she still wants to make it work, message me, text me, inbox me. We don't have to talk right away, but if you message me, I'll know that we're still together. If you don't, I'll assume it's over. I'll delete whatever pictures I have, so you won't have to worry about me obsessing or creeping over them. I can't promise this, but I'll try never to approach you again.
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    It was a one time thing. You confessed. Let it go.
  3. Loose

    Loose Member

    But it wasn't once, it was twice. I attempted to confess for both, but somehow, I couldn't manage it. I can't just let it go when she only knows half the truth.
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    There is nothing wrong with admitting it as an all encompassing truth. Now, I can see if it was different women and not saying anything. But it was the same girl.

    Also, don't become a martyr. Don't freak out about it. Just relax.

    You are not living a lie if you don't say anything.
  5. Loose

    Loose Member

    I certainly feel like im living a lie. I feel like she's forgiven me because she sees me as the victim. Im clearly not, though. Maybe the first time it wasn't all consensual, but it definitely was the second time.
  6. Mr. E

    Mr. E Well-Known Member

    Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, and lies or withheld information usually surfaces at some point. I know it seems tremendously difficult, but it's best to be totally honest in any situation. It might turn out better than you think
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    You know, I know we're supposed to be there for each other when we are hurting, and I feel like such a hypocrite for saying this, but I both envy and resent you. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
  8. EarToHelp

    EarToHelp Member

    Maybe you should show her this thread that you created? It explains things and proves that it was a mistake and that you love her.

    It's just an option.

    The thing is; if you do truly love her - then how can you guarantee that it won't happen again? She sounds like the perfect person for you - she pulled you from death's door. She needs to know how much you love her and that it won't happen again.
  9. Loose

    Loose Member

    Like I said, im going to write her a letter. It'll explain better why I'm telling this to her now, and why I didn't just come clean the first time around. She knows I love her, but if it comes down to it, I'll do anything to prove it to her.

    I understand completely.

    I think im being too optimistic if this can turn out better than I think. Even if she does forgive me, which I really hope she does, she'll have to live with this doubt in the back of her mind. Sometimes I have to just sit and look at her, and have to hold back tears because I don't want to hurt her again.
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Wait! are you being honest with her to make you feel better?
    Seriously, some things are better kept to oneself.

    Imagine, for one moment, what this may do to her.
    You mucked up, bury it, live with it, that is your punishment, don't dump it on this poor girl.
  11. Loose

    Loose Member

    Part of why I'm telling her is because I want to feel better. The guilt will always be here, regardless of whether she knows or not. I want to tell her because I want to be with her, and know* that she wants to be with me without lies or deceptions.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2011
  12. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I say that you should try to move on from this. I agree with Terry. It's not fair to her for your mess up. Live and learn. Some things are better left unsaid.
  13. EarToHelp

    EarToHelp Member

    He has to be honest, love and trust go hand in hand. I personally couldn't live with myself if I didn't come clean in that situation. Also, if she finds out somehow without him confessing, that will be far worse - for him, and for her.

    @OP... the only reason I said about showing her this thread is because it was aimed at her originally, it was you asking for help with the situation. BUT if you write her a letter, she may think that you are just trying to weasle out of it, and that you will do it again. Do you know what I mean?
  14. Loose

    Loose Member

    I feel far worse telling her something like this because I know how much it will hurt her. That for me is harder than living with the fact that I did what I did. The guilt will never leave me; that much I'm sure of, whether she knows about what I did or not. I'm telling her because if we're going to make it work, we can't base it on deception. THAT I believe is what's unfair to her.

    EDIT: @EarToHelp

    Im not weasling my way out of it. Like I said in the OP, this letter will tell her exactly what I did. If I do it in person, I'll manipulate my words as I've been doing my whole life and somehow make myself out to be the victim...again. If she still wants to be with me, I'll ask her to contact me this weekend. if she doesn't, then I'll assume she no longer wishes to be with me, and that'll be it for us.
  15. Loose

    Loose Member

    Im not sure if this is in the right section anymore, but I talked to one of my close friends. He's convinced me that I need to talk to her in person, and make sure I explain everything to her that way, because tone in this case is very important. Writing a letter won't do her justice. So I'll see her tomorrow, and make sure that she knows the whole story, and be hopeful that she'll be able to accept me. I don't expect her to forgive me right away, or at all, but im just hopeful that she'll still accept me.
  16. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    On one hand, I agree with Terry. You're doing this to make yourself feel better. Most likely she will forgive you if she already did about the first thing you told her, but she'll probably feel like crap that there's more to it than what you said.

    On the other hand, there is the chance that she may not forgive you, and she does deserve to decide whether or not she wants to stay with you after knowing the truth, and the only way for her to do that is if you tell her.

    If you can justify to yourself that you did it because you were different back then and it was the beginning of the relationship, and you won't ever do anything like that again, then don't tell her. But if you feel like you can't justify it, and she should know, then tell her.
  17. Loose

    Loose Member

    You're saying I'm being selfish by telling her, and yet, I feel selfish by not telling her. Honesty, integrity, equality, are those not the foundation of a relationship? If I wanted to, I could have concealed all of it from her. Yes, I feel bad for what I did. But im not smoking, drinking, cutting myself for it. If she leaves me, I guarantee I will do those things. If I was being selfish, I would never tell her anything.
  18. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    That's not true. You're not hurting her by not telling her. You're hurting yourself.

    You can try to make yourself feel selfless by saying that you're doing it for her but you're really not. What she doesn't know will never hurt her. What she does know, will.

    Human beings are not honest. We all lie at some point in our lives, even in romantic relationships. Thus, honesty cannot be the foundation of a relationship. Not for anyone. Human beings are also all selfish. It's our nature to be selfish because we all want to make ourselves happy. The only reason we make others happy is because seeing them happy makes us happy. So, in the end, everything we do ends up being selfish.
  19. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Hmm... This is kinda dodgy. It's more your feelings that are hurting and needing reciprocation and "understanding". You're feeling like you've betrayed her. You may also be feeling down because you feel you shared some feeling with this other girl and want to show your guilt to your gf so that she knows you love her. Idk excatly how it is for you, but feelings are Exceptionally dodgy things, especially when you've made a mistake. You have to put your entire feelings aside and thing of her. You told her you cheated, you justified it, which suggests you tried to explain why, which suggests youre explaining your feelings in that moment and time, which makes it more or less about you. Doing this again, is more then likely going to make it about you. Unless you truly believe that you're decieving her, that this will be a drastic change of her perception, ect ect.

    Part of being emotionally mature, and caring for someone is knowing when to say Fuck it. I'm not saying if you cheat, you accept you fucked up and move past it. I mean you truly accept you have made a mistake. See that she cares about you even still, that you love her and want to make her happy. So that means making the best of THESE moments right now. You're honestly dwelling and will continue to dwell until you hit that right "ting" where she "gets it". Which is basically, where You get what you "need".

    It's a choice mate. Obviously my perception of what's going off has a bit of assumption in it, but all I'm trying to say is, make sure your motives are Clearly about her. If it's about your feelings? You need to learn to deal with them and still see the better parts of life and live them :smile:
    There's alwys going to be Shit. Sometimes you don't need to specifically break it down with eachother. Sometimes love and care is about being able to move past certain things without having to fall down to hell together and come out together. In all fairness this is your mess. You need to deal with it. .. but then again if you feel she needs to truly know. I suppose that's fair from another point of view.
    Just becareful
  20. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Wtf? Ok fair enough for SOME people. Don't spew that garbage and make it for everyone. We do lie sometimes. But some people strive not to lie, and if they do faulter, they rectify those lies with honesty, and restore the trust and connection that it was based upon. Sorry, but ... common. That's a weak cop out. Relationships, true relationships ARE built on honesty. Sometimes you dont make someone happy because it makes you happy, but because you want their life to be prosperous. It's a choice of perceptional matters at that point. Your wording is pretty nasty tbh. Just saying... please don't define the "human race" with that. Just depressing in itself.