Hi, this is my first post here. i'm a 21yr old male. I have been in a very serious relationship for the last 9 years. Everything has always been perfect. we never fight, we were always happy, and nothing was wrong. Until she left. I live in the us, and she moved to germany 3 months ago for school. I have never spent more then 24hours w/o talking to her before now. about 18 hours ago she told me she wanted to take a break. she says its because i want to give up my dreams to follow her. (phd marinebio conservation student. That cant be done in germany) and she doesn't want me to do that. But really my dream is to be with her. and she just will not understand that. I feel like shes not telling me whats going on, and im her partner, i should be one she comes to for help. she wont talk to me, and just wants her space. I feel like breaks, especially in long distance relationships, is really a way of breaking up slowly. This is the first time we have been on a break. i would like to hope its nothing sexual, she says its not. we were each others first. and when i think of cheating it disturbs me in a way i cant explain. and i would hope she feels the same. I have attempted before, but im not really suicidal right now, pretty much because i still want to know, i still think theres a chance. I have her, thats about it. I stopped talking to my friends a long time ago. This is not something i can discuss with my mother. (they have a strong relationship also). I cope by anxiety attacks and self harm, maybe thats not coping with it correctly, but its what i know. i have survived renal cancer, i have one of her kidneys. we have been through so much together, idk how this could change all of that. I just need some words of encouragement please. If i cant be with her, idk if i can live. My question is, do i just get up and go there and not look back? or does everything really happen for a reason, should i just live out my life crying, screaming and harming myself. how do I tell people im not getting married. when i see people i love now, i just break out in tears and i cant speak. please help. I apologize for my grammar, normally it's impeccable. and sorry if i posted in the wrong section.