Shes gone, idk where to run.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dreadinglife, Nov 6, 2012.

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  1. Dreadinglife

    Dreadinglife Member

    Hi, this is my first post here. i'm a 21yr old male. I have been in a very serious relationship for the last 9 years. Everything has always been perfect. we never fight, we were always happy, and nothing was wrong. Until she left. I live in the us, and she moved to germany 3 months ago for school. I have never spent more then 24hours w/o talking to her before now. about 18 hours ago she told me she wanted to take a break. she says its because i want to give up my dreams to follow her. (phd marinebio conservation student. That cant be done in germany) and she doesn't want me to do that. But really my dream is to be with her. and she just will not understand that. I feel like shes not telling me whats going on, and im her partner, i should be one she comes to for help. she wont talk to me, and just wants her space.
    I feel like breaks, especially in long distance relationships, is really a way of breaking up slowly. This is the first time we have been on a break. i would like to hope its nothing sexual, she says its not. we were each others first. and when i think of cheating it disturbs me in a way i cant explain. and i would hope she feels the same.

    I have attempted before, but im not really suicidal right now, pretty much because i still want to know, i still think theres a chance.
    I have her, thats about it. I stopped talking to my friends a long time ago. This is not something i can discuss with my mother. (they have a strong relationship also). I cope by anxiety attacks and self harm, maybe thats not coping with it correctly, but its what i know.

    i have survived renal cancer, i have one of her kidneys. we have been through so much together, idk how this could change all of that. I just need some words of encouragement please.
    If i cant be with her, idk if i can live.

    My question is, do i just get up and go there and not look back? or does everything really happen for a reason, should i just live out my life crying, screaming and harming myself.

    how do I tell people im not getting married. when i see people i love now, i just break out in tears and i cant speak.
    please help.
    I apologize for my grammar, normally it's impeccable. and sorry if i posted in the wrong section.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am so sorry for your difficult situation. I am unsure of what to offer in way of advice except to take some time and and think things through very carefully. You are at an age where romance that start in high school - in your case middle school - often hit a serious roadblock. It is the difference between being adults and needing independence and adolescents needing others for support. The real issue in your situation is dealing with regret - if you rush over and it does not work and it pushes her further away then you will regret it both for pushing her further away and for giving up on your plans. If you do nothing and it ends you will regret not having done more. Accepting that is the way it is maybe instead of forcing action you should consider the idea that a break and short time of less frequent calls and and more "friend" rather then "boyfriend" type emails would be a not bad plan. Make sure she knows you are there and will be but do not overwhelm her and smother her at the same time. A often seen quote comes to mind - "If you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours, if it does not it was never meant to be.... "
    Reach out to your mother and here for support... it may help cope while sorting out the situation....

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a profession in Germany similar to what you are studying now so that you are not giving up that dream and can be with her? Did you discuss that compromise with her? When people are away for the first time, it is typical that they test the boundaries to see what is there for them...did she give you any indication what this truly means? This sounds so awful...can you discuss with her what she is going through or is there anyone else close to her that can clarify this for you?
     
  4. Dreadinglife

    Dreadinglife Member

    I have come up with a plan. I sent her a priority letter so she will get it in a few days, it explained to her how much I truly love her, and that I would truly rather be there. Depending on the results i'm moving. If she wants, I will leave asap and come live there. If she wants to wait for me to finish my last year of school like we planned then move there, I will. If she wants nothing to do with me, I'm transferring to alaska and starting fresh. I keep hallucinating now, I see her when I look in the mirror, and when i'm sleeping I keep reaching and calling for her, as if i can see and feel her next to me. I can't talk to anyone I know really. They just tell me to move on, or they tell me they hate her, or how bad she is because they see how i'm hurt. When really I need help making this work. People just don't understand. I love her so much theres nothing she could do to change that. Well ty guys.
    I'm having a really hard time keeping myself from talking to her; I had to block facebook and skype on my pc for the time being. I just feel like we should be talking to each other when things are rough.
     
  5. Dreadinglife

    Dreadinglife Member

    Today it became 100% officially over. Its the worst day of my life. by far
     
  6. Dreadinglife

    Dreadinglife Member

    Wow, so over it already.
    Turns out. I'm gay. Rofl.
     
  7. Dreadinglife

    Dreadinglife Member

    Just in case anyone cares. I'm 100% happy again, With a guy. Weird how life changes you.
     
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