I don’t understand! This is going to be a sort of rant, but I would also appreciate feedback in any way. Anything will be comforting. So, as of now I’ve planned my time, my method, and it is very simple and effective, quick and painless. But I don’t want to die. I want to live. I just don’t want to be alive. So, I found out my girlfriend likes/liked one of my (old) friends this entire time (being a year and a half … or so). That’s great. I only found this out because she said we ‘needed a break’ and then within eleven hours, manages to go over to his house, get drunk, and try to fuck him, as far as I’m concerned. Luckily, my other (old) friend was there, and they are kind of together, so they didn’t do anything, not that that’s any god damn consolation. It’s the fact she didn’t even wait before going and flirting with him <- that she openly admitted to, and apologized. She has apologized, but fuck! Trust shaken? Yes. We, as any other couple I’m sure, has arguments over who loves who more. The answer is clearer than day. She has dumped me more than once, and said we need breaks more than once. I have never. She uses us breaking up as leeway to get me to change quiet often. I have never used that as a threat because I would never leave her. She still likes my friend, and the fact he’s my friend I find irrelevant. She even told one of my two best friends that she has liked him this entire time. So it wasn’t even a dirty little secret, as it turns out, I just cant fucking know. But this was a great fucking way to find out! Christ! We are back together now, but I doubt she still feels the same way about me, but I want to stay with her anyways because she is my life and reason for living. I haven’t slept well the past three days, I’m tired as shit now, and I still can’t sleep. I haven’t felt like eating all day, but I figure I should eat at least once. When we hung out the day after she told me we needed a break (and the same day she went to my friend’s house) she refused to get close to me until she saw that my two old friends were already hooking up. What the fuck!? She said we needed a break because I’m an asshole, and I can accept that. She has dumped me before for the ‘same reason’, but Christ. Don’t you think a little serious talk before hand would be nice? I think it’s a load of shit. I think she wanted this boy, and now that she can’t have him, went back to me. And I begged to be taken back. I can’t handle this, I want to die. When she’s away I want to be with her, and can’t stand it. When I’m with her, I just think she would be happier with him. I’m not aloud to hurt myself, and that’s the only thing that gives me even slight comfort. I want everything to go back to normal, but I know that can’t happen. If everything stays its current course, I will kill myself with no regrets. And I’ll be sure to include her name, and in grave description how she led me to this. I am also going to add, I am not killing myself solely because of her. I tried to get better, and I thought it worked. When I was with her, I was happy. Before I was with her, I tried to kill myself, and now that I feel distant I want to die again. I’ve been plotting my suicide since grade six, and now I see that regardless of what happens in my life I’ll find myself back in the exact same spot I was before. I can’t handle the thought of her with anyone else. I can’t handle not being with her. It’s hopeless. How can things go back to normal now? They can’t. I refuse to put up with this living hell any longer. I also want to apologize for doing a lot of complaining lately and not a lot of posting. I’m sorry.