She's "not sure" how she feels about me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iamnothere, Oct 21, 2014.

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  1. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    First off, let me apologise for the rambling and meandering of this post. It is long.

    So, from an early age - say, around 7 or 8yrs - I was acutely aware of the fact that I was not wanted, by anyone.

    I am a twin (fraternal, I'm male and I have a twin sister) and my parents would regularly regale us of stories about how they were "surprised" to discover they were having 2 extra babies - they already had a son (my older brother) and were trying for a daughter too. I was "unexpected" and being a second son when they desperately wanted a daughter, I was not what they had wanted, right from day one.

    Your position in the world never really occurs to you until a certain stage of development, usually somewhere from about the age of 5 through to 9 - it is different for everybody. I realised at about 7 or 8 that none of the people I would at that time have called "friends" actually ever came to call for me, sure they came by the house all the time but they always wanted to play with my siblings; if they weren't available for some reason my "friends" would simply skip on to the next of their friend's houses. I was only an acceptable "play mate" if you will when one or other of my siblings was around too. Over the years I grew used to never making friends, to this day I still don’t have any.

    I have never been someone that other people actually want, not in a friendship way nor in a sexual or relationship way. Every time I built up the courage to actually ask someone out throughout my childhood and young adulthood years, I would be rejected. I have heard the “just good friends” mantra so many times as to be unbelievable. I have, quite literally, been laughed at with the follow up of “oh, you were serious” on several occasions.

    At the age of 27, after 20 years of being excruciating aware of how undesirable and unlovable I was and facing rejection at every turn, I decided to end it all. I had the means, I had found the place, all that was left was to pick a date and time, which I duly did.

    2 weeks before the date I had chosen, I met someone. I had been invited to her sister’s birthday “party” (which was, essentially, just lots of people getting drunk in a pub - really nothing special). She seemed nice and we seemed to get along reasonably well. Over the course of the next couple of weeks we ended up spending an extraordinary amount of time together and she seemed to actually enjoy my company and accept me. Had I actually, finally found someone who wanted me? What unbelievable timing! Over the course of the next few months I fell totally in love with her and whenever her parents were happy to child-mind her daughter, we would take the opportunity to go out and do stuff together. “Oh my God, I’m actually dating someone!” would go around in my head for days at a time. She admits to having mental health problems, and other than having a full-on anxiety problem she seems to have it mostly under control.

    I moved in with her, we then moved out to a place of our own, we moved cities so she could finish her education, got married and things were going well.

    Or so I thought.

    In 2010, only a few months after we had got married, I discovered that she was sexting with an ex-colleague of hers who was in town for a few months. They were arranging to meet up for dinner together at some point and she was even planning on asking me if I minded staying at home with the little one because it was a school night, she didn’t want little one being up too late and she was concerned that little one would make a right fuss and ruin the night. As it happens, she never met with him as she developed kidney stones and would be laid up for a couple of weeks, by which time he had left town. I don’t mention anything to her, life continues but I do get into the habit of occasionally checking through her messages when she’s not around.

    In 2012 I went self employed, mostly so I could spend more time with my family and support her as she was finding University difficult. We also moved house. Whilst I was out delivering pizzas one night (I took a P/T job to keep some money coming in whilst I built my own business up) she met up with an old friend (little one was staying with the grandparents for the weekend) with whom she had previous relations before I came on the scene. She even asked if I could pick her up at the end of the night. When I asked her the next day what they had been up to, “oh we went to the pub”. Really? Because I didn’t pick you up from the pub, I collected you from his house. “Oh, it had started to get busy so we went back to his place, chatted, played video games and he showed me the game he’s writing.” (He works for a games development company). She left at 6pm. The pubs get busy around 8pm. I collected her from his house at 1.30am. When probed about what they chatted about, “Oh, I forget”. Hmm, alarm bells are ringing. . . again. I check back through her messages and over the previous month she had been texting with him a lot and talking about how she has been dreaming of him and sleeping with him, and she even texted him on the drive back to our house after I had collected her saying how she would prefer to be with him in his arms.

    In 2013 one of her university friends introduced her to some websites centred around the S&M world. For a good month to 6 weeks she was using these websites and frequently sexting with other men. By this time I was checking her accounts on a pretty regular basis. There was one guy who lives just outside our city to whom she had given out her personal mobile phone number and seemed to be arranging to meet with; there were a number of guys to whom she had been sending nude photos of herself. Finally I snapped and balled her out on all of her behaviour to date. Things were pretty bad for a while, but she promised she wouldn’t do things like that again and she seemed to settle. She started to use a forum for people with various mental health problems and had made friends with someone with the same diagnoses as her, they supported eachother through the forum and it was a useful outlet for her. They then moved to using Facebook to keep in touch and check up on eachother. And then the slide happened again. One evening, after a particularly tiring pizza delivery shift, I came home and went straight to bed as I was exhausted. She came up some time later - I was already asleep. After checking her messages the next morning I discovered that she had arranged to have a Skype video call with this guy and was complaining that I was in the bedroom so preventing her from getting our box of sex toys to use on camera for him. Needless to say, I went fucking nuts.

    She said that should couldn’t help herself and that things just kept getting carried away before she was fully aware of how far things had gone.

    A few weeks later and she’s invited a friend of her’s from Uni around for dinner, movies and video games. The plan is that he will catch the bus home as one runs past our house every 10 minutes. At the end of the evening I go up to bed and they seem to be cuddled up together on the sofa, playing video games on the xbox. She comes up to bed at around 3am, and then when I wake up at around 9am she isn’t there. She’s gone back downstairs and they’re cuddled up together on the sofa, playing video games.

    During each episode where I ball her out on her behaviour I ask what she would do if I were to leave - and I fully imagine most men would have done so by now. She admits that she probably would have arranged for the little one to stay with her grandparents and she’d then kill herself.

    I should probably note that before each of these incidents she has engaged in “message tennis” with the guy in question - messages rapidly back and forth. It’s almost like it’s her “tell” - something that signifies her impending actions.

    This Friday gone (17/10/14), we’re sat in our favourite coffee shop on University campus and she bursts into tears and runs off to the toilets. A few minutes later a friend of her’s asks another of her friends to “come outside” - someone with whom she has recently been playing “message tennis”. I need to move the car so leave and walk past them both, she’s still in tears and he’s got her in a comforting embrace. So my mind is racing again - a guy that she’s been playing message tennis with, she’s upset about something and asks for him instead of me, I find them together. That evening she and the little one were invited to a “girly movie and curry night” at the house of one of her friends (who also has kids). And for a girly movie night guess who else was invited? Yep, him - this new guy. I swing by at the end of the evening to pick them both up only to be met at the door by my wife and one of her friends and told that they’re going to stay over. Now, I was supposed to be running taxi that night for (obviously) my wife and the little one, this friend and this new guy. .. so by her not coming home my mind immediately joins the dots to realise that he may well also be staying over too (it turns out he didn’t, but I didn’t know this at the time).

    The next morning I get a message from her through Facebook telling me that she “needs some space and time out” from being my wife. Over the next few days there is a lot of silence and a lot of stunted conversation through Facebook Chat. She says that she’s “not saying she doesn’t want to be with you, I’m saying that I don’t know” and doesn’t seem to recognise or appreciate that from my perspective there’s no significant difference between “I don’t know if I want” and “I don’t want” - think about it, "I don't know that I want a McDonald’s is the same as "I don't want a McDonald’s”.

    So, here I am with nearly 30 years of total rejection being told that my wife of 7.5 years now is not sure if she wants me and isn’t actually sure if she ever really did.
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm Leigh, First of All, You don't have to apologize for anything, I want to say welcome and tell you that you are safe here and there are any number of people who will be willing to talk and listen to you. I am sorry for all you are going through and hope there will be help and support for you here.
     
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    So where is your marriage going? What's being arranged for the children? I ask because it seems both you and your wife have lost the relationship, she being incredibly disloyal and you being neglected. I think both of you might benefit from couples therapy and counseling because she doesn't want to be with you any longer and because you feel like you did everything right and even worked hard to care for her more than you cared for yourself.

    The highest priority in your life right now should be the children. Two parents who can't stand one another. What's their future like if things remain the same?
     
  4. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    I don't know what's going to happen about the little one. I pointed out to her (the wife) that not once to my recollection had she ever used the expression 'our daughter', only ever 'my daughter' so clearly at a subconscious level she doesn't view me as the father.

    It's not that I can't stand her, quite the contrary, I still love her with every fibre of my being - but I cannot stand her behaviour and the way she treats me.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You need to be thinking of how to provide a caring and loving home for your children. If in order to that you need to separate from your spouse and take the children to a more stable place then so be it. You spent a lot of time telling how you are unlovable- I seriously doubt your children feel that. If your marriage does not work out then so be it- over 50% fail- places you in the majority. Get yourself some counseling for self esteem and depression so you can be happier and provide a better atmosphere for your children to grow up in. If that is separated or divorced then it just means you are the same as the majority once again. 30 is young - plenty of life left to enjoy with your children and if you choose to , find a more suitable partner in the future.
     
  6. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    Child, just the one, and she is my step-daughter. I've been in her life since she was 2 but as a step-parent of I were to take her away it would be classed as kidnapping. Besides, it is plainly obvious that my wife does not see me as her daughter's daddy.

    And please don't play with me. Finding someone better? I almost get the feeling you weren't reading - nobody wants me.
     
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Was not clear was a step child- and yes- if that i sthe case then simply move away. So far as find somebody bettewr- the one you are with is doing nothing but causing pain. Since you have been with them 7 1'/2 years , then you really have no idea what else is available to you out there if you have been being faithful.

    Really you can either try to go to marriage counseling if you think there is something to salvage with her, or go on by yourself to stop the constant pain of being with somebody that is not ready for a monogamous relationship. The counseling to address your self esteem and depression would be advisable regardless. Her emotional blackmail about killing herself if you leave her is plenty reason enough to leave her as nobody has the right to try to manipulate another person to continue to use them like that.

    When in a bad situation you really have only 2 choices- either decide it is okay and and not so bad and learn to be happy in that situation, or change the situation.

    I wish you the best.
     
  8. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    It's not just the 7.5 years I've been with her, though. What about that 20 odd years of rejection prior to that? The entirety of my life I have been unwanted. What makes you think that magically that will be different because I've hit 35? It won't.
     
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I have read your story, and it seems you made a decision about yourself when you were 7 (far too young to be making ANY kind of a decision about yourself) and it became a self propagating theory. You did not have 20 odd years of rejection - especially not in a romantic/relationship sense.

    No it will not be "magically" different. Nothing is ever magically different. Nothing changes unless something changes. So change. Move away from this toxic situation and work on yourself in whatever ways needed to improve your self esteem and your 'prospects'. You were not the same person at 20 as you were at 7. You are not the same person now as you were at 27. Stop telling yourself you were rejected for 30 years when that is hogwash. You say friends rejected you, but in the next paragraph you tell us that "I have heard the “just good friends” mantra so many times as to be unbelievable" - so many times as to be unbelievable is a lot of friends - even if they didn't turn into girlfriends. Then you found someone you married at 27 - which is actually on the younger side of average these days - so definitely not rejection there either.

    You are in a bad relationship and it is painful - you need to move out of it and reclaim your life. But you also do need to stop telling yourself you are a victim. If you think that people do not want the you that you are - work on becoming a different version of you. Improve yourself. Make changes. And make the MAIN change breaking the habit of falling back on a tired excuse that objectively is not true. You owe that to yourself.

    I hope you find the strength to walk away and give yourself the chance of happiness later.

    Stay safe,
    Freya


     
  10. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    Clearly I came to the wrong place. I'm sorry for inconveniencing you all. Goodbye.
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You have not inconvenienced anybody and I am sorry you feel this is not the right place for you. Clearly you have a bad situation with your spouse, and you certainly deserve better. When you are deeply depressed it is hard to see better as possible and it is easy to everything as a negative or being rejected. You are not being rejected here at all, though the support you were given was in the form of advice and I think probably you just wanted support and a place to talk about it as opposed to advice on how to change it. I also think that with your situation as described it is hard for anybody to read it and not get strong emotions started to say "get away from her" because she is clearly hurting you and nobody deserves to be treated as she has treated you. But your sense of being rejected for your entire life and from here really is a symptom of depression. I hope you get treatment for the depression so that you can be find some happiness. If you have never spoken to professionals for help with the depression and self esteem I hope you give that a try at least. If you do not feel this is the right place for support for you then I hope you do find someplace to talk and get support , or continue to post here and let us know what we can do to help.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  12. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    I turn up, clearly hurting, explain my situation and I'm effectively told "you brought it on yourself". Yeah, this is definitely a supportive environment, isn't it?!
     
  13. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Nobody told you that you brought it on yourself - you did not bring it on yourself at all; she treated you horribly and you should leave, as we have said. It isn't okay that she keeps treating you this way.

    What we did was challenge your assertion that you have been rejected for 30 years and that there is no hope for the future. There is hope for the future but it is up to you to make changes to reach a good future place. I am sorry that you do not feel supported, but that is what people were trying to do: cast an objective eye on the situation and give you advice on how to move forward, and challenge your perspective of yourself as someone who will never be wanted.
     
  14. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    Sounds to me like you're telling me I brought it on myself.
     
  15. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    You have not brought it on yourself, even if you did we are not here to judge anyone, we are here to give the best advice that we can and also get support.

    I'm very sorry for what you are going through, the only good advice I can give you is to seek professional help, you have self esteem issues, probably depression and had suicidial toughts in the past, I fear that this whole situation can make things worse, so seek help. I understand your pain, but know that depression can and does distort one's view of ourselfs and the world, so don't listen to yourself about being unlovable and unworthy, it's the depression talking I know you truly believe this, but they are lies, get help, get better and go from there.

    I know it may seem impossible at this point, but trust me it is not, many of us here have been where you are, maybe not the same circumstances, but the same disease and the same feelings, so we know that it is possible to get it under control, not easy but possible :)
     
  16. jonsmith

    jonsmith Well-Known Member

    i relate to you. i'm 54 and spent 99.9 % of my life completely ALONE. still am
     
  17. PezKraft

    PezKraft Member

    You deliberately removed the part where she said, "(far too young to be making ANY kind of a decision about yourself)." Why did you remove that part? I ask, because that is the part that explains how it was not your fault, because children are unable to perceive such aspects clearly. The decision you made about yourself was false, but that does not make it your 'fault' as you were only a 7-year-old child.

    That you deliberately deleted that part from the middle of the line you quoted, makes me wonder if you are subconsciously feeling a desire to argue/spat, and so are looking for a fight where this is none to be had.

    However, that is actually a great sign. Anger is a healthy and natural emotion, in part composing your survival mechanism of fight/flight/freeze. It is extremely important. Anger and fear motivate, and are thus healthy under appropriate circumstances. Sorrow only suffocates and drags-down when experienced for prolonged periods of time.

    The anger simply needs to be directed and expressed appropriately to serve you well.
     
  18. iamnothere

    iamnothere Member

    I'm tired of fighting. Every single day, quite literally for as long as I can remember, has been a fight. I don't want to fight anymore.
     
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