First off, let me apologise for the rambling and meandering of this post. It is long. So, from an early age - say, around 7 or 8yrs - I was acutely aware of the fact that I was not wanted, by anyone. I am a twin (fraternal, I'm male and I have a twin sister) and my parents would regularly regale us of stories about how they were "surprised" to discover they were having 2 extra babies - they already had a son (my older brother) and were trying for a daughter too. I was "unexpected" and being a second son when they desperately wanted a daughter, I was not what they had wanted, right from day one. Your position in the world never really occurs to you until a certain stage of development, usually somewhere from about the age of 5 through to 9 - it is different for everybody. I realised at about 7 or 8 that none of the people I would at that time have called "friends" actually ever came to call for me, sure they came by the house all the time but they always wanted to play with my siblings; if they weren't available for some reason my "friends" would simply skip on to the next of their friend's houses. I was only an acceptable "play mate" if you will when one or other of my siblings was around too. Over the years I grew used to never making friends, to this day I still don’t have any. I have never been someone that other people actually want, not in a friendship way nor in a sexual or relationship way. Every time I built up the courage to actually ask someone out throughout my childhood and young adulthood years, I would be rejected. I have heard the “just good friends” mantra so many times as to be unbelievable. I have, quite literally, been laughed at with the follow up of “oh, you were serious” on several occasions. At the age of 27, after 20 years of being excruciating aware of how undesirable and unlovable I was and facing rejection at every turn, I decided to end it all. I had the means, I had found the place, all that was left was to pick a date and time, which I duly did. 2 weeks before the date I had chosen, I met someone. I had been invited to her sister’s birthday “party” (which was, essentially, just lots of people getting drunk in a pub - really nothing special). She seemed nice and we seemed to get along reasonably well. Over the course of the next couple of weeks we ended up spending an extraordinary amount of time together and she seemed to actually enjoy my company and accept me. Had I actually, finally found someone who wanted me? What unbelievable timing! Over the course of the next few months I fell totally in love with her and whenever her parents were happy to child-mind her daughter, we would take the opportunity to go out and do stuff together. “Oh my God, I’m actually dating someone!” would go around in my head for days at a time. She admits to having mental health problems, and other than having a full-on anxiety problem she seems to have it mostly under control. I moved in with her, we then moved out to a place of our own, we moved cities so she could finish her education, got married and things were going well. Or so I thought. In 2010, only a few months after we had got married, I discovered that she was sexting with an ex-colleague of hers who was in town for a few months. They were arranging to meet up for dinner together at some point and she was even planning on asking me if I minded staying at home with the little one because it was a school night, she didn’t want little one being up too late and she was concerned that little one would make a right fuss and ruin the night. As it happens, she never met with him as she developed kidney stones and would be laid up for a couple of weeks, by which time he had left town. I don’t mention anything to her, life continues but I do get into the habit of occasionally checking through her messages when she’s not around. In 2012 I went self employed, mostly so I could spend more time with my family and support her as she was finding University difficult. We also moved house. Whilst I was out delivering pizzas one night (I took a P/T job to keep some money coming in whilst I built my own business up) she met up with an old friend (little one was staying with the grandparents for the weekend) with whom she had previous relations before I came on the scene. She even asked if I could pick her up at the end of the night. When I asked her the next day what they had been up to, “oh we went to the pub”. Really? Because I didn’t pick you up from the pub, I collected you from his house. “Oh, it had started to get busy so we went back to his place, chatted, played video games and he showed me the game he’s writing.” (He works for a games development company). She left at 6pm. The pubs get busy around 8pm. I collected her from his house at 1.30am. When probed about what they chatted about, “Oh, I forget”. Hmm, alarm bells are ringing. . . again. I check back through her messages and over the previous month she had been texting with him a lot and talking about how she has been dreaming of him and sleeping with him, and she even texted him on the drive back to our house after I had collected her saying how she would prefer to be with him in his arms. In 2013 one of her university friends introduced her to some websites centred around the S&M world. For a good month to 6 weeks she was using these websites and frequently sexting with other men. By this time I was checking her accounts on a pretty regular basis. There was one guy who lives just outside our city to whom she had given out her personal mobile phone number and seemed to be arranging to meet with; there were a number of guys to whom she had been sending nude photos of herself. Finally I snapped and balled her out on all of her behaviour to date. Things were pretty bad for a while, but she promised she wouldn’t do things like that again and she seemed to settle. She started to use a forum for people with various mental health problems and had made friends with someone with the same diagnoses as her, they supported eachother through the forum and it was a useful outlet for her. They then moved to using Facebook to keep in touch and check up on eachother. And then the slide happened again. One evening, after a particularly tiring pizza delivery shift, I came home and went straight to bed as I was exhausted. She came up some time later - I was already asleep. After checking her messages the next morning I discovered that she had arranged to have a Skype video call with this guy and was complaining that I was in the bedroom so preventing her from getting our box of sex toys to use on camera for him. Needless to say, I went fucking nuts. She said that should couldn’t help herself and that things just kept getting carried away before she was fully aware of how far things had gone. A few weeks later and she’s invited a friend of her’s from Uni around for dinner, movies and video games. The plan is that he will catch the bus home as one runs past our house every 10 minutes. At the end of the evening I go up to bed and they seem to be cuddled up together on the sofa, playing video games on the xbox. She comes up to bed at around 3am, and then when I wake up at around 9am she isn’t there. She’s gone back downstairs and they’re cuddled up together on the sofa, playing video games. During each episode where I ball her out on her behaviour I ask what she would do if I were to leave - and I fully imagine most men would have done so by now. She admits that she probably would have arranged for the little one to stay with her grandparents and she’d then kill herself. I should probably note that before each of these incidents she has engaged in “message tennis” with the guy in question - messages rapidly back and forth. It’s almost like it’s her “tell” - something that signifies her impending actions. This Friday gone (17/10/14), we’re sat in our favourite coffee shop on University campus and she bursts into tears and runs off to the toilets. A few minutes later a friend of her’s asks another of her friends to “come outside” - someone with whom she has recently been playing “message tennis”. I need to move the car so leave and walk past them both, she’s still in tears and he’s got her in a comforting embrace. So my mind is racing again - a guy that she’s been playing message tennis with, she’s upset about something and asks for him instead of me, I find them together. That evening she and the little one were invited to a “girly movie and curry night” at the house of one of her friends (who also has kids). And for a girly movie night guess who else was invited? Yep, him - this new guy. I swing by at the end of the evening to pick them both up only to be met at the door by my wife and one of her friends and told that they’re going to stay over. Now, I was supposed to be running taxi that night for (obviously) my wife and the little one, this friend and this new guy. .. so by her not coming home my mind immediately joins the dots to realise that he may well also be staying over too (it turns out he didn’t, but I didn’t know this at the time). The next morning I get a message from her through Facebook telling me that she “needs some space and time out” from being my wife. Over the next few days there is a lot of silence and a lot of stunted conversation through Facebook Chat. She says that she’s “not saying she doesn’t want to be with you, I’m saying that I don’t know” and doesn’t seem to recognise or appreciate that from my perspective there’s no significant difference between “I don’t know if I want” and “I don’t want” - think about it, "I don't know that I want a McDonald’s is the same as "I don't want a McDonald’s”. So, here I am with nearly 30 years of total rejection being told that my wife of 7.5 years now is not sure if she wants me and isn’t actually sure if she ever really did.