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She's pulling away and I can't do anything to stop it

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SinSentido, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    Hi guys. First time poster, short time reader.

    I'm married to my best friend and the love of my life. She's upset (we both are) that my ex gf has taken me back to court and succeeded in getting my child support nearly doubled. Not only has that put a serious strain on our finances, it eats up my school tuition and impairs our ability to pay our bills, much less have anything left at the end of the month.

    It had been 10 years since I had seen my kids. When we ran into them a few weeks ago, I thought I had a chance at making these little strangers into my kids again. Their mother, who I'll refer to as PoisonTwat, seemed more than willing to work out some time share. Once I get to court, expensive attorney in tow, it's a different story.

    So, as is typical in my horrid state, the custodial mother gets just about everything and I get the grand shaft.

    The only good thing about PoisonTwat keeping me from seeing my kids all of these years is that it lessened the collateral damage my past has had on my marriage. You see, she just decided to stop dropping them off all those years ago. I tried in vain to get the court to intervene and enact sanctions. They refused multiple times. My attorney says none of that matters, that the past is the past, yadda yadda.

    So now my wife tells me she is getting an additional job and plans on spending a lot less time at home (read: avoid her husband). I've dealt with some unimaginable pain in my life, but her pulling away and purposefully sabotaging our relationship is something that will send me over the edge.

    Besides those issues, I was let go at work by my oversized, bigoted supervisor this past June. I am receiving unemployment benefits, but those are set to expire in December.

    Honestly, if I knew it would repair my relationship with my wife, I would simply walk away from my kids. As bad as that sounds, I would make that choice. For her. PoisonTwat stole their formative years away from me, anyhow.

    It's a lot of pain. I have two methods ready to go. One in the bathroom and one in the closet. I fear I'm too big of a pussy to (self edit!).

    I hate my life and fail to see its purpose. This is just a big, spinning rock. What does it matter if one person is flung from it? As a devout atheist, I have no misconceptions about what awaits me on the other side. I believe only in what can be scientifically explained. So if I go, it's just darkness and silence. I can close my eyes and imagine how good that would feel.

    I'm sorry if my words bring anyone else down. I wish everyone else the best of luck in not reaching this depth of despair and absolute apathy.
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hey I'm sorry your going through all this, I'm in a dark place considering suicide myself right now but I'm not going to. Ive never been through exactly what your going through but I do understand feeling so hopeless that I can't go on. I don't know exactly how things are going to turn out for you, but I do know for sure that it if you keep living sooner or later you will look back and be happy you didn't do what your planning on doing now, becuse no bad situation lasts forever. Please continue to talk to us here instead of doing what your thinking about right now
  3. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    Thank you, rob. I really appreciate the acknowledgement.
  4. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    I'm going through hell, and she's throwing a Halloween party. I'm thinking about how to hide my desire to kill myself and she's picking out costumes and napkins. It isn't that she doesn't see it. It's that it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest that all of her nasty, vitriolic meanness hangs over me for days.

    I helped her raise her two kids from toddlers to teenagers. One remains easy; the other has put us both through hell. Drugs, alcohol, stealing from family, running away for months at a time. Just last week he created a public spectacle, screaming in front of the house about how his stepfather (me) ruined his life and that he'd have been better off without me. This coming from a kid whose real father is a crackhead and tried to kill both him and his mother. I wanted to tear his head off and jaw stomp him until he was quiet, but didn't because I know how much it would hurt his mother. So I kept my cool.

    So I'd expect some understanding and some support from her when it comes to helping me with my two kids. Her demand? To be completely left out if everything my kids are involved in. She tells me not to bother planning visits as a family because she'll be too busy "doing [her] own thing."

    That shit hurts. Fucking deeply. Where's the reciprocity? Everyone compliments us on how WE raised her kids, even the troubled boy, yet she can't be bothered with any involvement in my children's lives.

    I can't help thinking that with my step kids almost graduated, my own kids living with PoisonTwat, my wife apathetic to my pain, and my depression growing more concerning by the day that there just isn't a place for me here anymore. I am so tired of being miserable and not appreciated. I have the means to do give myself the ultimate release not twenty feet away. Why can't I find the courage to end this shit life?
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    SinSentido, I understand what you are going through, I feel your hurt an Pain. I raised a Foster son, I actually raised 2 but one put me through Hell as well, He even pulled a knife on me, he spent time in Jail, but I was there for him, I had to, be he had no one else!
    I am not saying that you should do the same, I just want you to know I felt then some of what you feel now! I have been not in your shoes but Standing in the same place I cannot address all of your issues, it is going to take a while for even you an your lawyers to do that.
    i want to address you and getting through some of this to where you can feel better, to were you can look at all that you are going through, without having it distorted with pain, hurt and the confusion that I am sure that you feel now! Life is hard, to add one more issue into this would weigh down any man or beast, I can see where the load that you are carrying is an awful weight to carry for anyone. I believe that you can, I know that you have troubles, problems an issues coming from every direction, it is not easy, it will not get easy for a while, you have to be in a place to enable yourself to take a breath, to wipe your eyes to see things more clearly,
    to get to the other side where you can feel good once again, I think that you already know there are people here for you, no matter what You are going through, there is someone here that is ready to stand up an extend a hand, to say we are here with you, some have been where you are now, they will help by giving you support while you are going through this, they can feel your pain, know that you are hurting, they will not judge you they will be here for you no matter what, you just have to reach out and take the offered hands that are here! this will not happen over night, it can happen! Take care of yourself Be Gentle We will be here! Please, We are here for You!
    2 people like this.