Shhhhhh its a secret, can't tell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by downunder, Jul 8, 2008.

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  1. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I went to my support group last night for people who have lost a child to suicide. One of the guys mentioned there that when people ask how you are going, you can't really say how you are really feeling or you will freak people out.

    So true. They say to talk about your problems, but you can't talk about suicidal feelings. Even if the person doesn't seem to be shocked on the outside they can be on the inside. I was talking to it to this guy once, and I talk about it like it is no big deal. He would ask have you made any more attempts, I would answer, Oh yeah, he would say does the counsellor know, I would say, yeah some she does some she doesn't as if its no big deal. I suppose to me it isn't but you have to realise that to others it is.

    I feel like I am living a double life, like cloak and dagger. My husband doesn't have a clue, but I can't tell him or he will freak out. My counsellor did tell him once though and he had no idea.

    At work they don't know about the stuff I am googling.

    I was at the Chemist the other night, and lady says, "Can I help you", I felt like saying yeah have you got anything I can end my life with quickly.

    Anyone else feel like this.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I used to feel like this. But lately I've been open and honest with everyone. It's too much to fake it. Not sure if I really know who I am, but I just try my best to be honest with my self or anyone I'm with.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am a master at masking. Noone in my family, workplace, or real life friends have any idea what is going on or how close I have come. They don't even know I am in therapy. My therapist and psych are the only ones outside of this forum that know any of the truth.
  4. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    I to can be a mater at hiding only those that really really know me can tell a bad day from a good one, i think most of us are able to mask the truth, however here on the forum we can be open and we wont be shocked hun because you will sadly find many if not most of us feel the same at times so please feel free to express your thoughts and feelings here where you are among friends, and friends who will understand

    take care
  5. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member


    One year out from my mom's suicide, I was ready to die -- in fact, I was dying.

    But, just like you're doing -- I reached out. Went to meetings, talked about my suicidal feelings (which were taboo to everyone including H) and finally went to the hospital.

    I was in the hospital 3 times last summer, and even had to be cared for by relatives for 3 weeks. I almost died several times.

    But, I kept fighting, because I know how devastating this is to other people.

    Now, a year later, my suicidal feelings are gone. I've been on medication that works since last August.

    It's such a relief to be free of suicidal feelings. And, I'm so glad that I survived -- even though occassionally I still struggle -- i reach out and make it through.

    There was a very validating and well written booklet on it's at:
  6. silent_beast

    silent_beast Active Member

    Don't worry, you're not alone. I still mask how I feel alot of the times, though I've told one person how I felt regarding my suicidal feelings. I felt somewhat better after doing, so sharing can sometimes help to ease suicidal feelings.
  7. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Blueberry, did you feel like a hypocrite? Thats how I feel. It is about 15 months since my daughter died. Here I am going to a support group for suicide survivors and I want to do it myself. I once said to my counsellor "Suicide is a game the whole family can play", she laughed and then she told me that it was not funny.

    Blueberry, I have read that taking medication halts the grieving process. Did you find this to be the case? Were you depressed before your mother committed suicide? I have never been on medication.

    Whenever I hear about someone suiciding or dying I want to know how.

    Last Sunday there was an article in the paper where this girl at school wrote a suicide note as part of a school assignment and handed it in. Then in the article they referred to my daughter suiciding last year. I don't know why the papers have to continually refer to her all the time. There are heaps of other people that did it to, but in the way she did it, it made world wide news. I don't think we will ever hear the end of it with the media.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2008
  8. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    It must be really hard to read about your daughter's death in the paper. I wish that the media had any senstivity toward suicide, but they seem to have none. ((((((((((((((downunder)))))))))))))

    About meds -- well, suicide halts the grieving process, too! I think I've done a great job of grieving Mom on my meds. I've worked really hard to be open and honest about where I am and what I'm feeling. I type on the suicide survivor forum a lot -- and that has helped me process stuff.

    When I did have suicidal feelings, I didn't feel like a hypocrite because I know that it's perfectly normal for suicide survivors to be suicidal -- the pain is so intense and it can trigger terrible depression.

    Also, I've learned that I personally need medication to stay alive. Whenever I have gone off, like last summer, it's been instant suicidal feelings -- and really intense, as well.
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