shit outa luck.. *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Feb 6, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I feel like shit.. Not sure if many people really knows what's been going on lately.. I've been kinda away working mostly.. trying to come up with rent money..

    I just..can't do it though.. I can't last much longer at my work.. For similar reasons I couldn't handle school.. Thats why I'm on Disability income in the first place..

    My eyes have been getting worse.. looking at a screen all day..
    my head has been getting bad headaches..
    My wrist last night was sending shooting pains up to my shoulder.. and i think it might be carpel tunnel..
    And my stress level and all the stimuli at work aren't helping..

    The dates and anaversaries for me are comming up..
    I don't know how much more I can take..

    I've ended up cutting up my legs.. I want to just punish myself so much more..
    And every night it's that feeling of hatred and anger.. and I want to harm myself..
    I hate mself..

    I never used to have SH issues before..

    Then today I find out theres really not any therapists who will take both my insuraces.. and if they only take one, I have to cover the entirety of the costs until a crtain number is reached and then only some of it will be covered.. And right now I can't even barely afford rent with my 2 other roomies.. let alone therapist visits..

    I feel so strongly to cut again tonight.. and I'm just fighting it..

    Been crying off and on the past maybe week.. I don't know what else there is to do..

    I've called lot of help places today searching for anyone to take my insurances..

    We currently are planning to move within the next few weeks hopefully..

    I've told my roomies some of it.. that I'm stressed out.. and I told one that I've SH recently..

    but we are all so stressed out.. and I don't like bothering peope all the time with my shit..

    My ex gf used me fo sex near new years.. and thats more or less when my SH tendencies started surfacing..

    I need a therapist.. But I can't get one..

    My thoughts keep getting further and futher down.. and I know it will only get wose as certain dates get more near..

    But I don't have much option.. And I'm just tired of this messed up world we live in..

    It's just so fucked up.. And I see no purpose in life as it is now.. my only hopes are that humanity will somehow change..
    But what if it doesnt..

    Whats the point..

    I don't know how much I can keep anymore from people..
    But I do know I'm pushing my limits.. and I'm going to break.. If nothing happens..
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    On a pragmatic note, did you contact your insurance company to get a list of providers in your area? That might be a start...and you are to be commended for trying to work in spite of your issues...please be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for trying so hard...maybe, by letting some of that in, it can reduce the sorry things are so tough, but there are so many people here to care and support you...also, please stay safe
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I look some up through their internet site.. but because I am double covered.. thru my dad with one insurance and state insurance by myself.. The more free fully covered programs (like lifeworks) wont cover me because of my dads insurance.. and all the places who take my dads insurace wont take state insurance.. and my dads insurance also only begins to cover anything when a certain ammount has been already put out for healthcare..

    I called NAMI... Its a peer kinda support.. or resource.. more.. and left them a message.. but I go back to work tomorrow.. and work until this temp job is over or until I quit I guess..

    I also called lifeworks intake line who reffered me to someone who would take my dads insurance but for one she goes on matunity leave in March.. and my anaversaries are worst in April..

    Then I called this other therapist whom takes my dads insurance but not state insurance.. as well.. and couls start me the 16th.. but Id have to have the money to see her..

    And then I got this one place I left a message that more so helps people with ADD / Aspergers / PTSD but generally only sees people 18 and younger.. So I don't kno if it will work.. and if I will still have to pay for it..

    I just am more so waiting.. and I don't know what else I can do on that end.. But I need something.. because I'm really struggling internally.. and I can't hold it up too much longer.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I half broke down at work.. during one of my breaks.. ended up crying in the bathroom.. Sh'ed again last night.. Haven't told the people I kinda live with too much detail.. I just.. internally got so much in my head.. but I want to be strong.. And I have so much floating sometimes it becomes a big jumble of nothing..

    They can make me laugh yeah.. but then it all just comes back.. this feeling.. and my face can't decide to half smile or be sad..

    Today my head has been hurting off and on too..
    My back has been aching all day..
    and I got shooting panis in my wrists off and on all day..

    But I know some of the pain is just stress..
    Im.. kinda getting to a point.. I don't know if I'll be able to keep myself out of the hospital this year..

    I'm not even in April yet.. my worst month..
    But then again I'm also having a lot more right now with moving and financially figuing things out as well as this temp job..

    I just don't think people understand that I can't really handle my job..

    At least not in the state I'm in.. But I really have no choice right now.. We need the funds to move and have food..

    I've been feeling so bad lately.. because I can only seem to open up to certain people.. and they aren't doing the best themselves..

    I just.. think about so much stuff..
    I want my chest gone.. I want to be male.. so bad.. and I keep feeling like I hate my body..
    I need a therapist..
    Need to move.. and all the details arround it..
    making sure we can afford to eat.. bills, etc..
    my thoughts are crowded with my childhood again like every year..
    and then some.. with memories of bad relationship experiences..
    my place is a mess.. and I just don't have the will to clean it much... nor a ton of time while I'm working...

    and because my mind can't differentiate detail from main idea.. my head swims really with it all.. every detail and everything..

    I'm just trying so hard.. and I don't like bothering people.. and I feel so out of the loop so to speak abot a few diffrent things..

    I just.. want it all to almost just disapear.. But I know it wont happen.. and I know I need to be here right now.. But It's becoming difficult.. More so then I prob let on..
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Idk if anyone cares.. but i honestly am not sure i can do it today.. im trying.. i took a bath with my fav body wash, i put on my compression shirt to help me look more male.. i went out and got a coffee (i don't go for one often).. and im heading to work feeling this tension instead like im going to explode.. i just.. am trying to hold back all my tears.. and barely doing so.. so much crap memories in my head.. trying to listen to music and drown it out.. i fucking want to cut, harm myself any way i can.. do some drugs.. i really dont care at this point!! Im just hoping and trying to get thru work today.. my stomach hurts.. tried to eat and feel sick as hell.. haven't even finished my coffee.. i feel alone.. like no one will listen and no one gives a shit.. julia is sick with strep.. mikel is working and going to cali for a few weeks till we move after this week.. i just want to fucking make it all disapear.. fml..