I feel like shit.. Not sure if many people really knows what's been going on lately.. I've been kinda away working mostly.. trying to come up with rent money.. I just..can't do it though.. I can't last much longer at my work.. For similar reasons I couldn't handle school.. Thats why I'm on Disability income in the first place.. My eyes have been getting worse.. looking at a screen all day.. my head has been getting bad headaches.. My wrist last night was sending shooting pains up to my shoulder.. and i think it might be carpel tunnel.. And my stress level and all the stimuli at work aren't helping.. The dates and anaversaries for me are comming up.. I don't know how much more I can take.. I've ended up cutting up my legs.. I want to just punish myself so much more.. And every night it's that feeling of hatred and anger.. and I want to harm myself.. I hate mself.. I never used to have SH issues before.. Then today I find out theres really not any therapists who will take both my insuraces.. and if they only take one, I have to cover the entirety of the costs until a crtain number is reached and then only some of it will be covered.. And right now I can't even barely afford rent with my 2 other roomies.. let alone therapist visits.. I feel so strongly to cut again tonight.. and I'm just fighting it.. Been crying off and on the past maybe week.. I don't know what else there is to do.. I've called lot of help places today searching for anyone to take my insurances.. We currently are planning to move within the next few weeks hopefully.. I've told my roomies some of it.. that I'm stressed out.. and I told one that I've SH recently.. but we are all so stressed out.. and I don't like bothering peope all the time with my shit.. ------------- My ex gf used me fo sex near new years.. and thats more or less when my SH tendencies started surfacing.. I need a therapist.. But I can't get one.. My thoughts keep getting further and futher down.. and I know it will only get wose as certain dates get more near.. But I don't have much option.. And I'm just tired of this messed up world we live in.. It's just so fucked up.. And I see no purpose in life as it is now.. my only hopes are that humanity will somehow change.. But what if it doesnt.. Whats the point.. I don't know how much I can keep anymore from people.. But I do know I'm pushing my limits.. and I'm going to break.. If nothing happens..