It really sucks. I am starting to finally be myself. My old self. And then this guy comes along and I want to die and cut all over again. It's been about two or three weeks since I last cut and he's going to ruin it all!!! I really need help! But I have no one at home to ask for advice. It sucks. Also, I just figured out on Friday how much of a loner I really am. I have no friends, and the "friends" that I do have aren't even friends at all. They are just people I talk to at school. I don't hang out with them, I don't even really talk to them either. I really want to, I just can't force myself to talk. I know I'll cry if they ask me personal questions. Life is so shitty right now I... Today I was wishing that a car would just hit me. It always feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Like I'm the only one in my family with problems. My parents hate me, everyone hates me. I hate me. My cousin totally got my hopes up and then even they got shattered. My best friend has been lying to me. He's in treatment right now and won't be home until the 9th of October so I can't scream at him for how much of a fucking jerk he's been. Great early birthday presents. My birthday is like a month and two days away and I wish I was little again. Things started to seem like they were getting better... They really did. Nothing is getting better anymore. Everything is just getting worse. The only thing that helps me live anymore is that in two years, I will be considered an "adult" and I can tell my parents about everything that has built up these past 4 or 5 years and I scream my head off at them and scream until I can't even talk anymore and I won't get into trouble for yelling at them... but the best thing is that I'll be able to tell them that I SI and then they won't be able to make me go into any kind of treatment unless I want to. There is so much that I need to talk to my parents about that I can never tell them. They're always too busy, don't care, or just ignore me. They try to put words into my mouth that don't belong there too. I'm done being so selfish for tonight....