Short of a miracle. Right now the thoughts of suicide course though my mind. Even my consoler I think is a bit surprised with the calming effect it has on me. When I think of the razor blade pass though my wrist and the sight of the blood pour over. I feel physical pain in my arms and hands. But it puts a smile on my face. Not just in my head. I actually smile as I think about dieing. I feel calm like “it’s finally over.” Sad but calm and relived. I’m crying with a smile on my face. I don’t know how it works but it does. Jasmine wants to give up on life too sometimes. I think hers are only in bad moments and bad times. Mine is extending past that to when times are good. Well guess no times are good for me any more. But when the “relative” good times happen anyways. I feel unwanted, unvalued, rejected (from society). Jasmine asked me a while ago on how I would kill my self. It was mostly because she was feeling like killing her self and wanted to hear about how to do it I think. And when she heard me talk about different ways she sorta snapped out of it. I think the reality of death for her is not plausible yet. None the less I just crossed a line that I had been thinking of for a long time. What if we were to end our lives together? I asked her if she had ever thought of doing that. She replied “all the time”. See, she’s the only reason I think that I continue to live now. She wants me and she needs me. But if we both ... at the same time ... Well it only makes me more comfortable to think of my self passing out while smiling with my love in my arms. I have no goals to live for. There’s really nothing left that I desire greatly to do in life. Suicide is not just a thought for times when I feel bad any more. I’ll die soon I’m sure of it. I’ve thought about what I would tell my family. I would want them to know I’m happy now. And I died with a smile on my face. That I love them and I will do all that I can to see them again when the time comes. I want them to be happy for me. To know that I’m in a better place. I want them to find my body with a smile on it. I want to have a smile when I am in my coffin and go into the ground. I want to be remembered happy. I love my family so much. But I know they will understand. They know how horrible my life has been. They’ll understand now. I have half a mind to show this to my dad and jasmine. I don’t know why. Maybe I do want some help. I think I’ve decided to give up this time. I really do. I’m refusing to look for meaningless work. My dad wants to help me look for work. I’m not going down that road again without a plan that will make this time different. If I run out of money and such before I find that miracle plan. I’ll commit suicide. My bank statement is my time bomb. I also wanted to mention, suicide for me is not an attempt. When I will do it, it will be final. This is my reach out to help, not a failed attempt.