Short of a Miracle.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wraithspassage, Dec 22, 2006.

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  1. Short of a miracle.

    Right now the thoughts of suicide course though my mind. Even my consoler I think is a bit surprised with the calming effect it has on me.

    When I think of the razor blade pass though my wrist and the sight of the blood pour over. I feel physical pain in my arms and hands. But it puts a smile on my face. Not just in my head. I actually smile as I think about dieing. I feel calm like “it’s finally over.” Sad but calm and relived. I’m crying with a smile on my face. I don’t know how it works but it does.

    Jasmine wants to give up on life too sometimes. I think hers are only in bad moments and bad times. Mine is extending past that to when times are good. Well guess no times are good for me any more. But when the “relative” good times happen anyways.

    I feel unwanted, unvalued, rejected (from society).

    Jasmine asked me a while ago on how I would kill my self. It was mostly because she was feeling like killing her self and wanted to hear about how to do it I think. And when she heard me talk about different ways she sorta snapped out of it. I think the reality of death for her is not plausible yet.

    None the less I just crossed a line that I had been thinking of for a long time. What if we were to end our lives together? I asked her if she had ever thought of doing that. She replied “all the time”. See, she’s the only reason I think that I continue to live now. She wants me and she needs me. But if we both ... at the same time ... Well it only makes me more comfortable to think of my self passing out while smiling with my love in my arms.

    I have no goals to live for. There’s really nothing left that I desire greatly to do in life.

    Suicide is not just a thought for times when I feel bad any more. I’ll die soon I’m sure of it.

    I’ve thought about what I would tell my family. I would want them to know I’m happy now. And I died with a smile on my face. That I love them and I will do all that I can to see them again when the time comes. I want them to be happy for me. To know that I’m in a better place.

    I want them to find my body with a smile on it. I want to have a smile when I am in my coffin and go into the ground. I want to be remembered happy. I love my family so much. But I know they will understand. They know how horrible my life has been. They’ll understand now.

    I have half a mind to show this to my dad and jasmine. I don’t know why. Maybe I do want some help.

    I think I’ve decided to give up this time. I really do. I’m refusing to look for meaningless work. My dad wants to help me look for work. I’m not going down that road again without a plan that will make this time different. If I run out of money and such before I find that miracle plan. I’ll commit suicide. My bank statement is my time bomb.

    I also wanted to mention, suicide for me is not an attempt. When I will do it, it will be final. This is my reach out to help, not a failed attempt.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You sound very finalised about it all already. You must have come a long way with these thoughts of death. But even now you reach out for help. This shows you have got some hope, even if it is just a curiosity of what life could be if things were different.

    You said even in the good times you felt suicidal. I've been looking at this problem with others and it seems if you except your going to die for long enough you lose that sense of urgency about it. Everything seems to become clear. The emotions that got you thinking about suicide in the first place vanish and are replaced by this bittersweet feeling of acceptance.

    But the question will remain there, "do I want to die?".
    Did society push you towards this final decision? Or was it a mixture of things or a huge event that snowballed?
    It's a good idea to talk about the past to see if you missed anything. Get it down on paper/screen and use us as mirrors to bounce your ideas off.

    Not all of society is the same, it's just that the biggest movements of it drown out the smaller movements, and the biggest movement is ignorance.

    If we can help you better understand everything we will try.
     
  3. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Are you sure this is what you want to do? Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. A suicide pact is not the way to go. If Jasmine doesn't want to go through with it then don't pressure her. You both need to want to do this. i strongly suggest that you think about it for awhile.
     
  4. h2osmack, you were very close to correct on many of those topics I think. The question "do I want to die?" is all but answered for me. It's a question of "will 'god' be upset with that decision" (from a scientific standpoint there is some evidence supporting that) and "do I want to put my family and Jasmine though the trauma of this?" These are the questions that have held me back for a long time.

    But they are close to being answered for me. My family has been distant enough from me for a while that it won’t hurt them as much as it would have in the past. They also understand the rough times I have been suffering. While they won’t like my decision they will understand.

    The question as to if god would disapprove of it. There’s no for sure about anything when it comes to the afterlife. Does he exist? Does he disapprove? I don’t know. While evidence does seem to point to “yes and yes” I’ve come to a point where I just don’t care much any more. I’m willing to take the risk just to find out.

    More about my situation: I have examined it quite thoroughly. There are many things that put me into this situation. My belief is that my Depression is primary among those reasons, but to add to that I also have social anxiety disorder, severe procrastination/laziness issues. I have a dislike of my gender role, which closely relates to feeling sexually unattractive also. Finally though, I’m a social outcast with different than normal morals.

    It became severe in about 2001. Since then things just slowly got worse and worse. I've lost jobs over my depression and anxiety about 4-6 months after I get it and then fall into a crippled state for a good 4-6 months before I get my act together and get another job. Each time my jobs have become worse and worse. I have nothing to offer anyone.

    I don't want to pick up another worthless job to just have this circle of losing jobs due to the same problems just continue to repeat it self.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2006
  5. blackfire, I know you're trying to help but please try to read what I say before responding with generic advise. I'm of sound mind quite often now and still think about suicide. I have a plan for it in a few months when money runs out. Yes I've obviously thought about it for a while, furthermore I have time to think more about it.

    A temporary problem? How do you know? Do you have the cure to all my problems? Professionals such as my councillor and doctor are having a hard time with it. Please enlighten me if you know something they don't.

    Like I explained above, this has been an ongoing *serious* issue for 6 years and I can remember many of the initial effects and signs of the situation dating back into my early teens (I'm 25 now). Things have slowly been getting worse and worse, my future getting dimmer every day and doors are closing around me. So explain how this temporary issue is going to cure itself and I'll eat my words.

    I do appriciate that you are looking out for Jasmine. No need to worry. She’s got quite the strong mind. Furthermore I wont pressure her into it. I wouldn’t want too anyways and would help her change her mind before agreeing to it my self. That’s why I said I “crossed a line” to even bring up the subject.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2006
  6. red_trail

    red_trail Active Member

    no one is ever past help huni (in my eyes.) for a long while i have had thoughts simil;air to your own. i have planned out everything up until what suicide note to write and the exact time its gunna heppen, the exact time Im gunna die, but in reality, no matter what you WANT to do, fate is gunna do it for u....

    please hang in there and if you have no gaols then MAKE goals to achieve. you will be surprised to see nhow much i9t makes u wanna live for life...

    here for you huni x
     
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I've never been a strict believer in talking people 'out' of suicide because it's only a temporary measure for many. I'm keener on giving them advice to help themselves. So i'm not going to lie and say life will get better, because not one of us can prove it.

    But, I can say that life 'might' get better. Our brains are designed to not only have choice, but learn what the right choice is. Should I have the soup or the salad? Should I go on holiday here or here, should I live or die?

    It's very hard to say what God will think of you, after all we only really have a book to read from that tells us what he wanted, and he might just change his mind like everyone else, who knows?
    I'de be more concerned with what I wanted. There is only one question I will always get stumped on and that's "will I regret it?".

    If we know so little about the afterlife, how can we be sure it's an improvement. Is that the reason you want to die? To improve the situation?

    Also, we could have something the professionals may not have, experience.
    That ability to share with each other that great pain we all go through regardless of our problems. A professional might know more about your condition than you do, but they will never know more about how it feels to you than you do. But we might be able to relate.

    Will you talk to us about your feelings, what it feels like to be you? That lonliness maybe, or that imaginary noose that gets smaller and smaller.
    Even if it's for nothing, then at least you won't be forgotten by the world.
     
  8. *chuckles* I knew I should have explained why I put 'god' in quotes, but I didn't want to get into a debate over it or justify my suspicions. Basically all I wanted to say is there is a possibility of a 'supreme being' like 'god' in my mind. Also there is a possibility that he will not like suicide.

    yes my life 'might' get better however that's my current frustration. It's not getting better, in fact it's slowly getting worse. In 6 years I have seen this continual deterioration and no indication of it turning around.

    On the other hand we see people that have life after death experiences and go though (usually) huge positive changes in their life, including (usually) no fear of dieing again. This leads me to believe there's a good chance of positive effects and a general turn upwards in my emotions from death.

    but just putting all that scientific data aside and assumptions and such. Let's say death is a 100% uncertain to effect me positively or negatively. Considering I've tried for 6 years other methods of creating positive change in my life and failed it feels like it might be my only option left. I'm asking for more options now. Ones I haven't tried ones I haven't thought of. And most preferably ones that will work.

    Also living in pain and suffering until that miracle solution appears in front of me (for god knows how much longer!) is not something i want to endure.

    Understanding how I feel helps a bit in assessing my situation I think. However it doesn't get me what I need. And those are answers. I have the support of my family and Jasmine.
     
  9. Red Trail, I think we have different views on consciousness. I don’t believe in fate. I control my actions enough to have “choice”. Maybe some don’t (such as the severely crippled) but I do.

    I used to have goals, I used to have many goals, the doors have been closed on them. They are unattainable by me. Other goals have been completed. There is nothing left. Maybe if I were to value something new... However values are not picked or decided on they are grown over time mostly developed in your younger years.
     
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Sorry about the religion rant lol. Something I think about and talk about a lot.

    When I see something that works or might work but is risky I try and see what the ingredient is that makes it tick. And see if you can put that ingredient into something less volatile.
    What i'm trying to say is, I want to know why near death experience can cause drastic change in peoples lives.

    So far the two most obvious reasons to me are that the sight of an afterlife can reinforce beliefs and make the world a little less lonely, so that death is in no way as unpredictable or unknown about.
    The other is the shock of the thing that might be that emotional explosion needed to distort depression itself.

    Sound a bit far out don't they but to turn life around it would probably have to be something drastic. Anyhoo, now we might have seen why this method could work (not to say it will). Can we take these ideas and put them into a different 'machine'?

    I think one example is of cutting yourself. I'm not a cutter so I could very well be wrong about this. I think the reason people cut themselves is because theyve got so much pressure built up inside and it's a way of releasing tension. The problem is you bleed and scar and may get infected. Can't there be no other way of expelling this build up.
    What about a punch bag? When I was younger I used to punch tape cassette cases. Used to get the plastic bits stuck in my knuckles and it hurt like hell but for some reason I enjoyed the feeling. Even this though is probably better than cutting wrists.

    I suppose the message here is that your you and your different from everyone else just like everyone else is different from each other. Our minds work differently and similarly. The methods your using to get better might not work because they might not suit you. But you have the power to create your own methods or adapt other peoples to suit you.
    I know you've been through a lot of different methods over the years, but are you sure you've exausted all of your options so that only the most drastic choices are left open to you?

    This is all really just abstract at the moment and maybe just the rambling of an idiot. Those methods and the anwers you said you were looking for however can come with dedication and the will to live.

    Sort of makes you wish we were robots so some guy could pull our headplate off and drill in the loose screws for us.
     
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Actually I think I might have totally misunderstood life after death experience in my reply :booboo:
     
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