Should be a great time in my life, but...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by skechpad, Jan 26, 2012.

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  1. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    Need to get this out of my head, so I'm grateful that there's a place I can write this down and not cause a commotion with family.

    I've been out of work for the past 5 months. I send out a resume a day but to date, have only gotten two interviews. One I didn't get, and the other I did well, but it fell through at the last minute. In the midst of it all, my wife found out she's pregnant and while I'm extremely happy about having a kid, her insurance has changed so that before the baby is born, we'll be staring down a $5000 deductible from doctor's visits alone. This is a new insurance plan her employer changed to cut costs.

    We've been living on just my wife's salary all this time with no savings. I'm completely exhausted from the job search. Every day my phone rings from debt collectors and my ex-wife is a cosigner on a private student loan that won't give any further deferments, so if I'm a day late making the $300 payment, I get an e-mail from her. Locally, I have no close friends. My closest friends are out of state and I haven't communicated with them in nearly six months.

    My wife has suffered a family member's suicide in the past and whenever I've mentioned suicidal feelings, its been devastating for her. I don't consciously want to end myself, because I seriously want to raise my child, but I seriously look at the near future and worry where the money will come from. I am on Welbutrin, and insurance is currently covering it, but when we reach the end of our health savings account, I don't know that I won't be asked to pay out of pocket for them. Tomorrow my wife and I are going to DSS to see about assistance, and while she qualifies for Medicaid, the rest of our family doesn't and her insurance will cancel if she has another insurance plan, so we may be out of insurance just to be certain we can have a healthy baby.

    Like I said. Rationally, I don't want to consider suicide. I know what it would put my family through. I also know that in the past, whenever I've been suicidal, I haven't been thinking rationally.

    Thanks for being here.
     
  2. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    Hey there.

    Hope you can keep thinking rationally… sounds like you're going through a lot.

    I've never had a child but I can imagine how stressful it would be… I think that knowing you can get irrational at times is probably a good thing to keep in mind the next time you're feeling irrational…maybe if you can just hang onto that thought then it might help you to realize that you can get over it. I'm not a therapist or anything, so it's just an idea really.
     
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Please don't kill yourself...it may seem tough now with the money situation, but things can get better. You want to stay around and see your baby, so please do that. :hug:
     
  4. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    Thanks everyone.

    Feeling a little rough this morning. We can get assistance for wife's pregnancy medical expenses w/o losing our other health insurance, nut one really bad emergency and we'd be sunk. However, if I do find work, we no longer qualify for assistance. We have about $100 to last a week and a half. Over the weekend, I laid down and cried. Now I'm holding back from crying because I have to take everyone to school and work. I'm trying to remain positive, but facing down dealing with my ex-wife. I've put off changing the online pw for the student loan she co-signed on just to avoid dealing with her.

    I've done the math and there just isn't enough $ cash coming in the next of my wife's paychecks to pay everything.
     
  5. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    Nearly a month later and not much has changed except my wife's upset with me, over something I did yesterday that she can't participate in because of the pregnancy. Our house we're renting has something in the heating vents that causes problems with her breathing, making her sick. We rushed to get into this house, and now it's making us sick. I think that there's a serious mold problem somewhere. The worst part is that there's nothing that I can do. Moving requires money we don't have, and we're now faced with car problems.

    The transmission in our only car is failing, and while we're being loaned a car, fixing the transmission with tax refund is out of the question since we won't have enough until her employer, who screwed over their employees on the insurance plan, issues her end of the year bonus in another month. I'm worried that she's gonna get screwed over again by her employer. If we fix the transmission, we still have a monthly car payment that will probably last longer than the transmission would last. I'm seriously thinking about just spending the money on an older car that we could buy outright, and have the car with the busted transmission repossessed. Starting fresh, again.

    I came here to write this because I'm worried that I can't handle it much longer. We're late on every bill but rent and water. I'm overdue to hear from my ex-wife questioning me about the student loan payment that she's co-signed for. I just want the world to stop and leave me alone for a few days, but it can't. I'm worried again about where I can go from here, because every direction looks dark and painful.
     
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Money problems are the worst; many people in this world are hurting cuz of the economy. That may not make you feel good, but to know you're not alone can help you deal. I'm on mediccare + part time job. Have you sought part-time? What field are you in? The job search is the hardest thing to do in your life, add that to other worries, it is not easy at any time. Though you may have come here to vent and express to get it out. You already know you don't want to leave your child and wife, family...pls continue to pour out your fears, worries here.
    Have you thought of looking for work in different city, is that possible?
     
  7. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    As soon as I get a job, any job, we make too much for medicaid and have to rely on the only health insurance plan offered by my wife's employer which has a huge doughnut hole of a deductible. Got to love when one of the largest employers in the nation decides to put all employees on a Health Savings Account Insurance plan in the interest of cutting costs while posting record profits.

    Now my Dad, who's been a huge help to us is upset at me after I told him it's gonna take us a while to get the car situation solved and may need the car he's loaned us for another month. It just feels like I can't win.

    TLA, you're right that I don't want to leave my family. It just scares me when I'm crying and the stray thought enters my mind of stopping the pain.
     
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Have you put down on paper the things you're afraid of? It may not be so overwhelming that way.
    Do you have any family or friends to stay with if that came up? Just brainstorming here....Stay thoughts enter my mind too, esspecially when I am crying and thinking the world is ending. Small things become a mountain when you are depressed.

    There are 350 applicants for every 2 job openings,, give yourself a break!! You ARE trying. Other thought is that your mood can come across in the interview....do they sense desperation, or a willing employee-to-be. The positive attitude comes across in non-verbal language too. I was interviewed for my pressent job and did not get the call until a month later. (The interview was terrible too, no joke). Now, have been there 20 months and searching for my next job...so I can relate a bit to you.
    If you had part-time, why does medicaid stop...low income people get help from welfare to get over tough times, that is what it is there for.
    I know you probably thought of these things before. Caring thoughts to you!
     
  9. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    My wife's salary is too high for me to even take a part-time job and cost her Medicaid by putting our household income above the threshold. The cost of moving last fall put us in dire straights with a few of our bills, putting us in danger of having some utilities shut off. Thankfully, we've put that off, but in order to do that, our funds were cut so short, we have practically no money to last the next 7 days. We have maybe one day's worth of gas to get my wife to work and back, but after that, nothing. We tried to sell CDs to a record store but when walking in was told that they are only paying in store credit. A wasted trip and lost gas that we couldn't afford to lose. I still need to refill my meds, which is looking very hard to do. I'm not at the end of my rope, but I spend a little time each day crying.
     
  10. kristy1970

    kristy1970 Active Member

    Hi skechpad, I was out of work for over 6 months, and the only thing that saved us was that my husband has a great paying job and great health insurance. I have been working since I was 14 and have NEVER before been out of work. I've been bi-polar since childhood, but only recently diagnosed. I stuggle every day with feelings of worthlessness. Finally I have a good paying job, but it took 6 months of applying and job hunting for 5 to 6 hours a day. Several interviews and even 1 where it was down to me and 1 other person after 2 more follow up interviews and I didn't get it. It SUCKS! Congrats on the soon to be baby. This baby is a blessing and I know from experience... I would have killed myself had it not been for my children. I did not want anyone else to raise them. Much love, hugs, and prayers to you and your family. Let me know if you need to talk or PM me... maybe I can help with your job search... Lord knows I'm a pro at it now! :blink:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2012
  11. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Please let her know if she can help!!!...this too will pass. thinking of you.
     
  12. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    Kristy, I will contact you. Thanks.

    It's a really bad morning. I paid some of the bills yesterday, but some had to go unpaid. It turns out my wife has gestational diabetes, which means she now has some restrictions on her diet that challenge the grocery budget. We stopped on the way home yesterday to get something for dinner and We ended up dropping $61.00. Our daughter has an absolutely great scholarship trip coming that she needs new clothes for, my wife has promised her a trip in two weeks that we can't afford. Wife absolutely refuses to ask relatives for help. Mothers Day plans are cancelled. Came home to a disconnection notice on the water. We can pay it and keep water on, but that leaves us with nothing else to complete grocery shopping with. Wife has already pawned a family heirloom to get to payday, but now I don't know when/if we can get it back out.

    I'm so far down now that all I can think about is how this is getting harder in a few months when we have to buy diapers.
     
  13. Phishfooddude

    Phishfooddude New Member

    Hey buddy please send me a pm I would like to help out if I can.
     
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes churches offer assistance in the grocery area. I know how tough it can be being in the catch 22 situation like this. I encourage you to continue looking for work. Maybe you can find a job that offers insurance benefits as well. The tough part would be the preexisting condition portion. Some companies will grandfather you in if you have current coverage. Another option is maybe to find handyman type jobs that you might be able to do on a cash basis until after the baby is born. When is your wife due? Just do your best to keep going. You have made it several months beyond what you thought you could. :hug:
     
  15. skechpad

    skechpad Member

    A week later and surprise, no money left, tried looking for things to pawn and nothing. Really don't know where to go or what to do. Have put in applications and surprise! No reply, no callback, no interview, not even an email to say no thanks. I sat down this morning and just cried. Tried talking to wife and she was concerned on how I'll handle being home alone with a crying baby. Really at the end of my rope right now. I know it 'll get better, but not how.
     
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