Should be happy, but sad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by michaelx, May 19, 2009.

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  1. michaelx

    michaelx Member

    I have suffered with depression for over 10 years now. Things have been going better lately though. Last weekend I met a girl who I had chatted with for a while online in RL and it was like the best time I have had in a long long time because she was in a relationship and I could totally be myself.
    I don't doubt that the great person she is has caused me to have a big crush on her, but I should still be happy. She is with a nice guy and is so happy herself.
    Yet instead I have plummetted way down further then I have in a long long time. I thought I was stronger then this, but sometimes I cannot stop crying.
    I have not done anything bad because I figure it will get easier but it just seems to get harder. She is at least 1000 miles away so I will be lucky if I get to spend time with her again ever, but I just cannot get her out of my mind.
    I have not had a crush for a long long time on anyone, but I thought I would be stronger then this.
    Why do some of the best times make me feel the worst?
  2. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    Shortly after my last attempt, I started thinking about an old girlfriend. At that point I'd been married - happily, for me - for 30 years. But I couldn't get the ogf out of my head. I obsessed. Looked her up, found her married name, her address, her hobbies, her kids. Got an aerial photograph of her house... thought hard about going to see her. Almost did. Realized that I had no call on her life, no right to intrude. In short, regained some measure of sanity. I think this obsession was rooted in my feeling of total loss of control. It's easier to feel depression than to feel fear.
    There is somebody for you. She's not the one. But somebody is.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm not sure about this, but similar things have happened to me, so Im going to try.

    When we're depressed, the situations that make us happy (like your situation in chat), and for me, seeing a girl I had a crush on after a very long time without seeing her, are much more amplified. Because we feel like crap most of the time, a good feeling totally overwhelms us. So instead of just feeling good and moving on, we feel incredible and go gaga over the situation, then, of course comes the letdown and we feel a hundred times worse than we would have.

    Part of this might be chemical too. Our brains may release more happy enzymes or hormones for the same reasons stated above.

    All I know is that I've haad the same experience you have and I've suffered with depression for 20+ years.
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