Should be happy, but. . .

Straightforward: I frequently feel like committing suicide, completely genuinely, but I don't even understand why anymore.

I was a melodramatic type as a teen, constantly preaching my faux depression and youthful indiscretion, but as I got older, the feelings became stronger, more valid. It stopped being about attention and turned into a proverbial monster lying within my stomach. I can't even fathom the words to adequately describe how I feel. Sometimes I just think of purging my bank account in order to purchase a gun at the local pawn shop/gun depot (this is, after all, Ohio, so we unfortunately have them). I'll occasionally lay in bed before sleep (as I seldom fall asleep with any ease, save in my frequent drunken stupor) and just rotate image after image of different types of handguns in my head. Honestly, I'm not even entirely familiar with most handguns, but the operations are simple and I certainly wouldn't plan on using it any more than once.

This brings me to my point: I have no idea why I want to commit suicide or what continually eggs me on in my quest for rest, if you'll excuse the rhyme. I've a slew of new, genuine, incredible friends of recent, which is a new acquisition since the dissolution of my last stable group of friends a year or so ago. I've got the best job I can even conceive of for a penniless college student. I'm continually having fun. I'm doing well enough in school. I've had good responses to the resumes I've been sending out as I'm close to graduating. My family and I are closer than we've ever been before.

Why do I feel like killing myself? I'm not typically a very emotional person, save a penchant for loyalty and a newly re-established draw to companionship.

Can anyone help?

 

Maybe you just have depression, its very treatable. I don't know how your college is, but mine offers free therapy for students. Maybe you should start seeing a therapist and start discussing your thoughts and maybe options for medication.

 

I wish I could help you ... but I'm sorry ... I don't know how ..
My life looks a bit like yours, I guess most people would be happy with my life.
So I've the same questions. Hope you'll find some help.
Good luck and take care