Things in life are going ok at the moment. I have ambition for something for the first time in years, I'm focused, I'm determined to do this. I should be feeling positive but I'm not, I feel awful. I'm having panic attacks again, I'm having a hard time seeing hope in anything. I just don't know why I feel like this. I have some really great friends but I'm hardly talking to them. They ask me how I am and all I want to say is "I feel terrible, I want to die, please I need your help" but I can't say that cos I know it seems like I'm always depressed. I'm not, but I don't like to say so when I'm happy in case I jinx it. I just want someone real to tell me they understand and that it's gonna be ok. To be honest I really need a hug, not just want one I think I really need one. I haven't had a real hug in nearly two years. Right now I think I'd do anything for some genuine affection, and that's a scary mindset to be in. It seems like everyone I know is blissfully happy, I doubt that's true but it seems like it. I hate being the miserable one, especially cos there's no good reason for it, so I'm cutting myself off from people when all I really want to do is collapse and let someone else look after me for a bit. There are plenty of things I should be hopeful about but nothing seems to bring me any happiness. In the last two years I've had to learn to rely only on myself and I think the strain of it is breaking me down. I wish I could relax and lean on someone else for a while without feeling like a burden. I wish I could feel like someone cares about me enough to let me be vulnerable in front of them and it would be ok.