Should feel good but I don't

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Malcontent, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Things in life are going ok at the moment. I have ambition for something for the first time in years, I'm focused, I'm determined to do this. I should be feeling positive but I'm not, I feel awful. I'm having panic attacks again, I'm having a hard time seeing hope in anything. I just don't know why I feel like this. I have some really great friends but I'm hardly talking to them. They ask me how I am and all I want to say is "I feel terrible, I want to die, please I need your help" but I can't say that cos I know it seems like I'm always depressed. I'm not, but I don't like to say so when I'm happy in case I jinx it. I just want someone real to tell me they understand and that it's gonna be ok. To be honest I really need a hug, not just want one I think I really need one. I haven't had a real hug in nearly two years. Right now I think I'd do anything for some genuine affection, and that's a scary mindset to be in. It seems like everyone I know is blissfully happy, I doubt that's true but it seems like it. I hate being the miserable one, especially cos there's no good reason for it, so I'm cutting myself off from people when all I really want to do is collapse and let someone else look after me for a bit. There are plenty of things I should be hopeful about but nothing seems to bring me any happiness. In the last two years I've had to learn to rely only on myself and I think the strain of it is breaking me down. I wish I could relax and lean on someone else for a while without feeling like a burden. I wish I could feel like someone cares about me enough to let me be vulnerable in front of them and it would be ok.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I know that's not even close to a real hug, but it's the best I can do from way over here.

    You don't always have to be the strong one. it's okay to reach out, to ask people for help, to lean on someone else for a while and let them be the strong one.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    :arms: you can lean on me Malcontent...I know I am not there but if I was I would let you just do nothing and fuss over you.
    You sound tired of the struggle and that is understandable

    Please feel free to write me in PM as I would be honored to be a listening ear and a supportive friend to you.

    I know how you feel as I almost posted something similar this morning...I care I really do so come see me any time you need a hug :arms:. I so miss true affection but I will do what I can for you over the net.

    Love and hugs Bambi
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    malbert :hug: your only half an hour from me :hug: the roads are impassable at the moment but as soon as the snow and ice clears a little im on my way to hug you for a day :hug: :wub: things will come together sweet :hug: :hug: :arms:
  5. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Thanks you three, I really appreciate it. "tired of the struggle" sums it up perfectly :sad:
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Here if you need anything! :hug:
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Everyone else thinks that if things are good in someones live then they are good too. And we find ourselves believing that too. So when things start to turn around even the slightest to the better, right away we expect so much from it. And when we cant get that "happy" feeling or relief that things are starting to look a little positive it really pulls us back down.

    I understand how tired you feel. From trying so hard to keep holding yourself up in fornt of others and yourself at times. And how trapped you feel when the opportunity comes to say "I'm lousy, please help", you cant. You have been struggling so long by yourself to keep standing that it feels too foreign to ask for support.

    And I also know how much a real hug would help. How comforting it would feel. To just be in the arms of another person that would say, "it's ok. let me do it for you for a while." To have someone really understand without having to tell them the whole story again. Aww man that would be bliss!!!!!

    I'm sorry that things are so unfair. That we have this wonderful site. Incredible people here that understand and try to help as much as possible. But no one can give most of us the one thing we crave. A real hug. Something so simple yet something that feels like it will never happen. Well if I could I'd sit there beside you, give you a hug that reeks of understanding and let you put your guard down for awhile. Take a breather.
    Please know people here do understand and would do the same in a heartbeat if it was possible.

    Wouldnt it be cool to have an SF meet where we all get together and just sit there and pass around free hugs all day. Then go out and party til we all drop (lol).
  8. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I totally understand how you feel because I'm going through the same things. I have this great opportunity in my life that I can capitalize on or fail.

    I, too, am having panic attacks and nightmares. But I try to remember that I can make my dream come true and until the end it's up to me to determine what kind of life that I'm going to have.

    I'm too close to quit. I hope you don't either.